Holding On
by Ambivalence
Summary: Sequel to Black Clouds, basically how Yamato and Tai coping with problems together Yaoi, Taito, some Daikeru, some language, emotional stuff... Review! Last Chapter up. There is lemon'though not too descriptive in this one, so be careful!
1. Falling

(A/N) Hi!!! I'm back! Sorry it took me so long to get this fic posted, but I suffer from short attention span while writing my stuff... Anyway, this is a sequel to my Black Clouds fic, for all of you who requested one! If you haven't read that fic first, it doesn't matter too much since you can pretty much figure things out in this. Lot's of YAOI in this, Taito (Taichi x Yamto, duh), and some strong language. And I'd like to dedicate this to Miss Mew, as she's officially my fic editor ^_~ And to all of you who have reviewed my other fics, I got so many good ones, Thanks!!! Okay then, on with the story!!

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em, probably never will!

**Holding On: Part One**

A cool breeze drifts through the window, smelling of fresh rain on pavement. It feels good against my hot forehead, helping me to forget the pain inside. Bright stars can just be seen through the lights of the city, and I remember the days when I used to wish upon them, hoping that all my dreams would come true some day. But that's all fantasy, wishing gets you no where in life, doesn't protect you at all, as I have learned. As my mother used to tell me, 'If all our wishes came true, we'd all be angels and life would be dull.' That sounds nice, to be an angel, never feel hurt or betrayal, never want again, but of course that is impossible. I'm no angel, no matter how many times Taichi calls me one, especially now. 

Man, my head hurts so bad. It's pounding, feeling as if my head is about to explode. It is one of the outcomes of being beaten almost to death. Pain, it will never leave me. I do have medicine for my headaches, but I don't know which is worse, the ail or the cure. The pills that they gave to me leave me with a major nauseous feeling and makes my whole body ache. Tonight I'm just letting the headache work itself out, even if they usually last for hours. And my head isn't the only effect that the attack had on me. I have an extreme case of claustrophobia, probably from that small dark alleyway, and have some troubles breathing sometimes. But the worse out of them all is the memories. Even after all these weeks, they haven't faded even a little. I can recall every horrible detail of that night, the night they took everything from me, not that I try to remember. They are especially bad in my sleep, causing terrible and realistic nightmares, making me live it all over again. I have pills for those too, which I do take every night. Basically, I'm a mess. Sure things are starting to go back to 'normal', but nothing will be the same again. 

Sometimes.... late at night, while fighting off the worse of migraines, I wish that I had just died then, that's how depressed and hurt I still am. But don't worry, I won't die, I won't let myself go like that, not for a long time anyway. You see, I'm not alone with my pain, only at night which is when those lonely thoughts come. I have Taichi here for me, first and foremost. He's been with me the whole way through, ever since he made his mistake of running from me. I don't know what I would do without him, and most likely I would be dead by now if it wasn't for him. But Taichi won't let me die, he's by my side almost everyday, comforting me when the headaches or memories hit hard. I just love the way his arms hold me tight, warming me to the bone, his strong hands rubbing my back lightly while he whispers sweet loving words in my ear. I'm in love with Taichi Kamiya, and I don't give a damn that he's a guy or what everyone else thinks about that. Well, maybe I am a little afraid of what others might feel about this whole gay issue, but I've never been so sure about anything in my life than this deep bond I share with my Taichi. He'll protect me always, and when he needs it as well, I can comfort and help him too. 

Even when my energetic boyfriend is not around, I still have my father and brother. Although I don't see them as often as I'd like as my father needs to work a lot to pay for our food and rent, and Takeru, my brother, doesn't even live with me. For the past few days I haven't even left the house, just too tired and depressed, and even Taichi hasn't been able to get me to cheer up very much. Maybe I'm just bored or something, but even more lately I have been feeling an emptiness inside of me. I think it is from what was taken from me, something that I will never get back. Those assholes who attacked me that fateful night, also raped me as their main goal. I lost my virginity to those dirty bastards without having any say in it at all. And it hurt, physically as well as mentally and emotionally. That was something I had wanted to wait for before losing, wait for the perfect person, like Taichi, and give it up willingly in an experience that didn't tear me to pieces along with it. Now I can't even think about sex without just about going into seizures and a faint. I just hope Taichi won't leave me because of my fear, 'though he did promise. 

Sighing, I lean my head on the window sill while kneeling on my bed and close my eyes against the pounding. This was going to be another long, lonely night in which sleep would be a long time coming. And tomorrow will be like all the other days, boring and pointless and filled with more pain and sorrow. I hope Taichi comes by early, he always knows how to take away my pain. 

~*~ 

"Yama... chan... time to, mmm, wake... up..." I came out of a deep sleep to the feeling of kisses showering my face and neck, a pleasant feeling that I could get used to. Blinking against the early morning sunlight coming through the window, I find myself staring at a small blue bird sitting straight in front of me, tilting it's tiny head to the side as if it was just as confused. Then I remembered my migraine during the night, I must have fallen asleep here at the window at some point. Turning my head, my eyes lock onto the deep chocolate brown ones that I love so much. If I stare in those eyes hard enough, I can see all the shades of brown swirling together in a delicious blend, and I melt every time I look in them. 

Taichi just staring back into my eyes with a dazed expression, and I wonder what he's thinking about, "Taichi?" He blinks at my voice, coming out of his trance. 

"Oh Angel, do you know just how beautiful you are?" Reaching over he cups my chin in the palm of his right hand, leaning in closer to me. I just shake my head slightly at his question, he asks me that a lot, and tells me everyday that I'm beautiful. It just warms me right through, but I really don't deserve those compliments. "Oh but you are... so lovely to look at... I could stare all day at you and never get bored," Taichi breaths, his lips only inches from my own. I don't resist in the least, overwhelmed with emotions, as he slides closer, brushing his lips against mine. Then just as he started to press harder and make it real, a yell interrupts us. 

"Kamiya! I told you to get my boy up and ready! No fooling around, you hear me?" My dad's voice came through the open door. 

Taichi fell back with a sheepish grin and rubbed his head, "heh, sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the moment." I just nod back and raise a questioning eyebrow. "Oh... right. Um, you're supposed to get dressed and go to the kitchen for some breakfast." 

Confused, I look over at the alarm clock by the bed and see that it's only 7:00 am. "Why'd you wake me up so early?" I yawn, suddenly realizing how tired I really am after staying up so late last night. Then I shut my mouth quickly as a black sweatshirt is hurtled into my face. And then a pair of pants follows it. Throwing them off of me, I give Taichi one of my famous death glares, "Man Taichi, you're out of your mind. I'm too tired for this, getting next to no sleep last night. Just come back later, like this evening or something." And with that I flop down into my pillow and pull the blankets over me. 

Before I can even get warmed up, the blankets are whipped right off of me, and two hands are hauling me to my feet. Taichi grabs my shirt and yanks it off in one swift motion. "Hey! Let me go Taichi! Stop it!" But does he ever listen to me? No, instead he grabs the fresh shirt and try's to pull it over my head while I'm trying to push him away. The problem is that Taichi is a lot stronger than me, and soon he gets his way. But before he can even start towards my boxers, I wriggle out of his grasp and make my escape through the door. I love that boy, but man, he can be such a pain! 

"Hey, what's going on with you two? How long does it take to change clothes?" My father grumbles as he's setting plates on the table. Just as I'm about to run by him, he grabs me by the arm and pushes me into a chair, "Sit. Eat. Your going to be late if you keep this up." Late? For what? I had no plans for today as far as I knew. Staring at the mushy omelet in front of me, I decide that I have no appetite. My dad was never a very good cook. Taichi strolls into the kitchen, ignoring my dad's glares, and plops down beside me, instantly gobbling up all of his meal. That bottomless pit could eat out of a dumpster and still be happy! He turns and grins at me, then frowns when he notices I haven't even touched my meal. I don't care, I'm just not hungry, and I'm going back to sleep. If my dad and Taichi want to act all mysterious and stuff, then they can go right ahead, but count me out. Slipping out of my chair without saying a word to either of them, I was just about to head to my bedroom when Taichi finally lets out what's going on. 

"Yama, wait. School starts in half an hour, we can't be late." 

"We?" I frown at him. 

The cheerful boy just grinned, "Well yeah, you didn't think you were going to skip another day of school did ya? We've missed too much already, and you're getting lazy just hanging around here all day. So hurry up and get ready." 

School. I had to go back there already? But *they* were from my school! And there's so many people there, everyone knows what happened to me. I didn't want to go back yet, I liked being lazy much better. Running out of the room and slamming my bedroom door shut behind me, I stood in the middle of my room thinking. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but what if everybody hated me? I mean, not many people like fags like me at that school, that's why I had never told anyone before. I've seen this one younger boy get beat up almost everyday because people had found out he was gay. What if it happened to me? I've had my ass (and much more) kicked enough for my life time, thank you very much! 

"Yama-chan?" I ignored him, willing him to just leave me here. But Taichi never leaves me alone anymore, and instead I feel his warm arms wrap around my stomach and his chin lean on my shoulder. "I love you Yama-chan, and I'll make sure that no one hurts you. I promise." He whispered in my ear. I lean back into his body and try not to shake. I'm scared. Plain and simple. I wouldn't admit that of course, and I hated that feeling, but I've been very scared of everything that could hurt me ever since I was attacked, raped and beaten. And I have every right to be. It's why I never go for those walks that I always loved to take in the park by myself, or go anywhere outside alone, someone is always with me. I'm also frightened of any stranger, whether I'm alone or not, until I get to really know them, and school is full of strange kids that I don't know. My life is so messed up right now, more than anyone can guess since I tend to keep a lot of it to myself. 

Fortunately for Taichi, he is keeping quiet at the moment and letting me think this all through. He may be loud and annoying at times, but he knows when to keep his mouth shut when there's cause. I know he wants to help me in every way possible, and really wants me to start getting out more and on with my life. He hates to see me depressed and withdrawn. So for Taichi's sake, just because of how he has stood by me no matter how stupid I've been acting, I'll give it a shot. Ducking out of his arms, I kept my back to him so he wouldn't see how strained my face was, and picked up the pants from the floor. "all right, I'll go, but only because you want me to." I told him quietly, already knowing that this was probably going to turn into disaster. He doesn't know about my fear of crowds and strangers yet, but I don't want to worry him even more. 

"Thanks Yama, and don't worry, it'll be fine. You'll see. At least it's got to be more interesting than hanging around here all day with nothing to do." I just nodded silently, and he continued, "Okay, get dressed and get your school stuff together. I'll go beg some money from your dad for lunch. Come out when you're ready and we'll leave, but try not to be too long." Taichi came over and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek before squeezing my arm comfortingly and leaving the room. I couldn't help but let a small smile escape, Taichi was always the leader, giving out orders and sharing his plans. I used to fight all the time with him over his leadership during the digiworld adventure because I hated being told what to do. It was different now though, I still argue sometimes, but it gives me a sense of security with the way he's able to handle any situation with ease and can be decisive when I need him to be. 

Slipping on my pants, I went into the bathroom and started with my hair. I hadn't actually been paying much attention to it lately, but since I was going to be seen by so many people today, I didn't want it to scare them. Setting to work with my gel and comb, I took the time to make sure every strand was in place, just like I had used to. It was a distraction for me, a way to keep my mind off of everything that had happened in my life. Before I knew it, someone was knocking on the door and Taichi's voice came through asking what the hell was taking me so long. Quickly I added some final touches and went back out. 

Taichi was waiting by the door with both of our bags, fidgeting as usual. He's always so impatient. Dad came out of the kitchen, "You guys leaving finally?" We nodded, "Well, have a good day, and Matt?" I looked over at him, "If you start feeling sick or anything happens, I want you to come straight home and phone me, okay?" 

"Sure dad, I will." He's been worried about me, and I don't blame him, but he doesn't usually show it. Grabbing my bag from Taichi, we left the house and hurried towards the high school which was only about five minutes away. 

The school is pretty big and new, and when we finally reached it I saw the hundreds of kids that went there all crowding the yard. The fear in my stomach grew, until it felt like I was going to gag, but I didn't want Taichi to know. He was hoping that going to school would help me get on with my life, and I know he really wants to help me, so pushing down the awful feeling I followed behind him a little ways and tried not to attract attention to myself. Of course, the problem with that is that it is common knowledge around our school that I was beat up and raped, and so everybody knew who I was. Only a couple of feet through the school gates, a red headed girl saw me and screamed over to all her friends while pointing. Wincing a bit, I tried to duck behind Taichi and hopefully dodge them, but before I knew it, Taichi was pushed out of the way and I was surrounded by what seemed hundereds of females. 

All of the girls were talking at once, saying how sorry they were for me, and did it hurt much, and how they had prayed everyday for my well being, and would I go on a fucking date with them? The voices all ran together, and a headache already started to form in my poor head. Their hands were reaching over and touching me as much as possible. There was no space to move, shit, I can't breath! No air, I can't stand closed in spaces, my claustrophobia was one of the worst cases but I hadn't realized how bad until now. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, all I could do was stand there frozen on the verge of freaking out. I have to get out of here, I have to get some air, but there's no where to go. My head started feeling as if there was a hammer bouncing around in it, and my vision was swimming. Just as I felt like I was going to scream and go out of control, the girls beside me were shoved aside. I could here some one yelling at them, threats and telling them to get the hell away from me. Then he was beside me, yelling desperately in my ear, but I couldn't respond, I was working on trying to get in air to my lungs. Finally the wall of people dispersed and there was air around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get enough. Finally it came in quick small gasps, but the cool air cleared my head a bit. Blinking the black dots in my vision away, I realized with horror that I was down on the ground clutching my head and a teacher was crouched in front of me asking what was wrong. Taichi was beside me, his arm around my shoulders while saying my name over and over. I looked up at him, and saw tears in his frightened eyes. Looking around, I saw that the whole school's population had stopped what they were doing and were all scattered around staring at me and whispering among each other. 

What the hell is the matter with me? I had always been surrounded by a girl fan club when I was here before, they followed me through the halls all the time. Why had I flipped out like that? Damn it, I made a fool of myself, I'm such a fucking scaredy cat! Now they'll be gossiping and spreading rumors for the rest of my life. It was too much, I couldn't face this, not right now, I made the biggest fool of myself. Shakily, I stood up out of Taichi's arms, and ran. That's right, I hightailed it out of there, away their prying eyes and whispers, away from their pity and loathing. Behind me, Taichi yelled out for me to wait, but I didn't want to face him either. I hadn't told him about my fear of small spaces, and now that he knew he would think me even more of a wuss than he already does and pity me even more. I didn't want his sympathy, or their pity, I just wanted everything to go back to normal again. I hate what had happened to me, and I hate myself for taking it so hard, for being so scared. 

I ran down the street, blinded by tears, not a clue as to where I was going. Then I realized that I was alone with no one familiar around, and I ran out of sheer terror. Who knows what kind of people are around here, just waiting to pounce on me. My lungs felt about to burst, and I really couldn't see anything, but then I was slammed into someone. Hitting the pavement hard, I curled up, gasping and crying. Why am I so damned scared? Hearing a curse beside me, then a gasp, I tried to bury myself in the cement, scared that that awful night was about to repeat itself. I didn't care that not everyone was like that, it was just a feeling in me that everyone was out to get me. 

"Holy shit, Matt? What the hell happened to you?" I knew that voice, lord I knew him. He wasn't going to hurt me. With a cry of relief I sprang up and practically flung myself into Daisuke's arms, burying my head in his shoulder and trying to stop shaking. I hated him seeing me like this, but I was just so happy to see a familiar face. I felt him stiffen a bit, then his arms went around me awkwardly, "It's okay Matt, don't worry, nobody's going to hurt you. _Did_ somebody hurt you?" Daisuke can be a block head at times, and has made a fool of himself more times than anyone can count, but like Taichi, he knew when to be serious. My brother said Daisuke could be really caring and kind when he wanted to be, which he was proving at the moment. 

It took my a few minutes to calm down, and when I did, I pushed away embarrassed. Again I had made myself look like a baby in front of someone. Wiping away the last tears on my face, I looked down at the ground and shivered. I felt his arm wrap around my back and Daisuke started leading me down the street slowly, "I was just headed to Takeru's house, and I think that maybe it'd be best if you came too. We have the day off from school, by the way." Then he went on talking about nothing in particular, just filling the silence with small talk, for which I was glad, as we went towards my brother's place. 

~*~ 

"Matt! What are you doing here?" A surprised Takeru asked when he answered the door. I just gave him a quick smile, then walked past him to the couch and fell deep into it's cushions. I was exhausted, and I lay with my face buried in the cushion, drifting off to sleep as I listened to the two younger boys near by. 

"What happened Dai?" Takeru's voice was filled with worry and I heard him walk over to me and sit on the couch arm. 

"I don't know..." Daisuke explained how he had found me, but I didn't hear the rest of the conversation as I fell into a deep sleep. I should have known better than that though, no matter how tired I was, I should have thought to take a pill first. I never go to sleep without one, because if I do it all comes back, worse than ever... 

~ 

'W...what do you want?" 

'Sorry blondy, no time to explain, you'll find out soon enough.' They had me surrounded, and I knew exactly what was coming. God please no, I can't go through this again. They're closing in, evil grins on all dark faces, the familiar fear is rising like bile in my throat. 

Can't breath, pain, it's all pain. They're taking me again, please stop... please, the pain is shooting up in waves. I can't stand pain, please don't do this, it hurts, it hurts! Their jeers and taunts reach my ears, and all I can do is squirm and groan with the pain. I hate this world, let me go, it's so cruel! 

Taichi... love... come back to me, please, please don't leave me! I need you... 

Oh Lord, the pain is too much, their dirty hands all over me, taking away a piece of my soul. 

Please... I can't take this anymore... just let me die! Fucking let me go to hell, end this misery, the fear, the pain. 

"Yama... Oh God, Yamato, please wake up..." Taichi, why'd you leave me? You left me all alone, you hate me. The pain is getting to be too much, it's exploding through my body. My eyes shoot open, wide with pain, screaming out loud I scramble away from the attackers, trying to escape. "Yamato! Calm down, it's okay it was just a dream." No! No it's not okay! They hurt me Taichi, you can't understand how much they hurt me. It's more than the physical pain, what they took from me... I can never get that back.   


(A/N) I split this up into two parts, just because it was so long... so keep reading ^_^   
  



	2. Lifeline found

Disclaimer: Still don't own digimon/characters...****

**Holding On: Part Two**

I ended up falling off of the couch with a thud, but by then I realized that I was awake, it was over, for now. Sobbing into the carpet, I ignore Taichi's soothing words and comforting touch, I just want to get away from the pain forever. People get raped all the time, why am I taking this so hard? I just can't help it, I really can't, I'm more afraid everyday.

Taichi, with his arm still around my back, started yelling at my brother who must be standing near by, "Don't you ever think Takeru! Why the hell did you let him go to sleep? Is it too much to remind him, get him to take one fucking pill?! You know what happens, baka, you know very well he shouldn't go to sleep!"

"Hey, leave him alone Tai! It's not Takeru's fault, Yamato wanted to sleep and so he did. He knew as well as any one to take his medicine, he's a big boy Tai!" My brother's boyfriend yelled in Takeru's defense.

"Fuck you Daisuke! This is your fault too, you could have helped, and now look what happened!" Oh God, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, I shouldn't have even gone to school. They were all fighting because of me.

Then Takeru joined the yelling match, "If you were so worried about him, then maybe you shouldn't have left him in the first place. When it all comes down to it, this is your fault, you were the one who ran in the very beginning, and you were the one who left him for those bastards to get, so you are the cause of the nightmares, don't start blaming us!" Did he just say what I thought he did? How can Takeru be so stupid as to bring that up! Oh no, this is my fault, not Taichi's.

The room fell into deadly silence, and I could practically feel the glares shooting between them and the tension crackling through the air. Taichi was gripping my arm so hard it felt like it was going to bruise. Finally he pulled me up, and I opened my eyes. Taichi avoided eye contact with me, and instead helped me silently to my feet. "Come on Yamato, I'm taking you home now." Lord, his voice was so cold and emotionless. I followed without a word, but as Taichi stepped through the door, I turned around and gave my brother a threatening glare that told him he was going to get a hard reprimand from me later for ever bringing that subject up. Takeru mouthed a sorry and dropped his gaze while Daisuke looked just as ashamed.

We were silent for the whole walk back, while I followed behind Taichi, watching his stiff back. Now he's going to be feeling even more guilty than ever, figuring that this is really his fault. I know he just pretends to have forgiven himself, I can see the guilt and pain in his eyes when ever he looks at me.

When we got to the steps leading my apartment building, Taichi stopped and turned around to look at me, "What happened at the school Yamato?" I could hear the worry and hurt in his voice.

I knew he wouldn't leave off until I told him, "It was nothing... just can't stand being closed in, that's all." I muttered quietly while studying the ground at my feet. It wasn't like I ever lied to him, I just held back certain information that I thought would hurt him.

He sighed a few steps above me, "Why didn't you tell me? I thought the headaches and your nightmares were the only thing left, and now you have claustrophobia? You have to let me know, Yama-chan, if you don't, you could get hurt even more. And I don't want to hurt you either. I would never have brought you to school today if I knew you hated the crowds." Taichi had come back down to my level and wrapped his arms around my back in apology and comfort. I leaned against his chest and closed my eyes, taking in his scent of fruit and minty cologne.

"Gomen," I whisper into his jacket, "I just didn't want you to worry so much about me. I really am sorry."

I heard him sigh against my hair as he rubbed my back like he usually does, "No, don't be sorry, it's not liked I really asked. And I can't help worrying, but it might help if I knew everything so I could know that you're all right. Is there anything else wrong that I should know about?"

My head started to shake a negative, but then that would be lying to him and I needed him to trust me, so instead I just sighed in reluctance and gave a small nod. Taichi didn't answer, he just turned around with an arm around my back and led me up the stairs and to the elevator, away from the public eye. I didn't look at him once on the way up, worried that he might be mad at me for keeping things from him. He wouldn't stay angry, if he was, though. He was just being overly concerned and protective again, and although that annoyed the hell out of me sometimes, it also gave me comfort and a safe feeling. Taichi would always be here for me, I'm pretty sure, as he had promised me he would never run away from me again.

I let myself be led to the my door and unlocked it with the key. When we got inside, Taichi shut the door behind us and gently pulled me towards the couch where we could talk. Sitting down, he still didn't speak, just watched me carefully, being patient for once in his life. I stared at my hands guiltily, then started to tell him the few other things that I was afraid of, "It's... well... my claustrophobia is really, really bad. When I get into a space that I can't get out of, like all those girls back there, I... I can't breath or move. It's like all the air as left, and I'm falling. You had thankfully managed to clear most of them away before I totally freaked. I might have hurt someone. I'm also... also afraid of... of anyone I don't know well. Like... like all those kids at school really scared the hell out of me, and... and when I... ran away, at first it was just to get away from all the stares, but then I realized that nobody I knew was around. Taichi... I was so terrified, it felt like the whole world was out to hurt me, you know... and I was so happy to bump into Daisuke. If I hadn't, I don't know what I would have done." I buried my face in my hands, so ashamed and embarrassed at feeling like that, at showing how much of a wimp I am. "That's why I haven't gone out much lately... I'm scared at the whole fucking world... I can't step out of the house without wondering if I'm going to get hurt again today. And then there's all the memories... and the nightmares... and headaches that I have to put up with because the pills make me feel even worse... and... and... I'm just a fucking messed up freak. Okay? I told you every fucking thing, I'm a gay freak who has been raped and have had all my pride and... and soul ripped out of me... You happy to hear that? Are you?" By now I was yelling, my face contorted in anger. I don't know why I'm acting so selfish, and I _know_ he's not happy to hear that, but I'm just so mad at the whole thing.

Taichi's face was a mixture of disbelief, guilt and hurt. I can't believe I'm yelling at him like this, it's not his fault, I guess it's just because I've been holding it in for so long now. When he just sat there staring in shock at my out burst, I couldn't stand it anymore, I was about to burst into tears again, but hated to be so weak in front of him. If he didn't think I was a wimp before, he sure did now. Jumping up off of the couch as another headache started up, I ran to my room and slammed the door before belly flopping onto my bed and burying my head in the pillows. My head started pounding, worse than last night. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up, it just makes it worse. The sobs tore out of my throat before I could stop them, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain in my head and heart. Shit, it hurts so much, and even holding my head tight between my hands to keep it from moving didn't help. It felt about to explode with the pain, and I couldn't help crying out.

Suddenly I was lifted up and held against a warm body as Taichi's voice came over the pounding in my ears. He rocked me slowly, and I could feel his own salty tears on the back of my neck. I couldn't think against all the pain, and cried against his shirt trying to get rid of it, but the sobs just made it worse. He pulled me away, and I tried desperately to get back into his warmth, but he smoothed back my hair and held me with the other hand. He's always so much stronger than me. My eye's were tightly shut, blocking out the painful light, but I felt his hand trying to open up my mouth. After a few minutes I managed to unclench my teeth long enough for him to shove in a couple of pills. I swallowed them dry, then was let back against Taichi. He held me tight and resumed his rocking while talking soothingly about nothing in particular. Taichi has a special calming affect which helps me to get through almost anything. Slowly the pain resided a little, and I lay limply in my love's arms, gasping for air. That had to be one of the worst migraines yet, and I couldn't believe that I was still alive and that my head hadn't burst like a melon.

Slowly my mind drifted away from reality, and I felt comfortable and protected in my Taichi's embrace. Just as I slipped off into darkness, exhausted from the over exciting day, I felt his soft lips against my forehead and his whisper of love.

~*~

Usually after someone pours out their feelings, let's another know their deepest fears and secrets, they feel so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders. All the built up anger and fear as been let out in a big relief. But for some reason, that wasn't my case when I woke up. I guess maybe I felt a little better, and was thankful for Taichi slipping me those pills last night, keeping away my nightmares, but the emptiness was still there. So I had told him everything, that still didn't make any of it better. My virginity, soul, and heart were still lost, and I would still have those nightmares and headaches. I was still scared of the world and I still hated closed spaces. Nothing had changed. It felt like I was slipping, slipping off the edge of a deep, dark pit and was unable to get a grip, about to plummet into darkness any second. I wanted to get out, to feel the firm ground again, believe me, but it seemed that every time I got a tighter hold, something would push me back again, further and further. I'm afraid, so afraid, that any moment I will lose my strength and be lost forever.

I must have been lying there for quite awhile, half asleep, trying to push down these awful feelings, before my senses finally started to return. I could feel limp, strong arms wrapped loosely around my body, holding me in comfort, and could feel a soft, warm breath against the back of my neck, lifting my hairs slightly. Taichi. I couldn't believe he stayed the whole time with me, for me. How could he put up with me? Especially how I acted yesterday, he's incredible. If anything was keeping me from falling, it was him. Maybe he was my only support. If he wasn't here, if he left me, I don't know if I could...

No, don't think of that right now, clear your mind of all those death thoughts. Blinking against the morning sunlight, I open my eyes and stare out across my room. I really should think about cleaning it soon, that'd give me something to do. By the smell, it was not going to be a pleasant job... maybe it _could_ wait for awhile. Then my thoughts shift to the other smell coming through the cracks of my door, smells of pancakes and eggs and maybe even bacon! Suddenly I am actually feeling hungry. That's something, I haven't had much of an appetite for weeks now, but it smells so good...

"Taichi?" I whisper over my shoulder, mouth watering slightly. "Taichi!" giving him a small nudge I slip around in his arms to face him directly.

"Huh? Wha...?" His beautiful brown eyes slowly crack open, staring out unfocused and sleepy. "mmm... Angel," He mumbles, tightening his arms around me.

Then he closed his eyes again, about to go back to sleep. Sighing gently, I glare at him in mock anger, knowing one way to get him up. Quickly I close the few inches between our faces, and give him a hard, deep kiss straight on. Taichi's eyes snapped back open, fully this time, and he pulled me in tight against him, not letting our lips break contact. After only a few seconds I feel him slightly open his lips and his tongue against my own lips, seeking entry. I part my lips, and he slips his tongue in, pushing it against mine, and running it over the roof of my mouth. I love the feel of his warm lips against mine, of his tongue dancing easily with my own. This is what I live for now, for his love. And he's so gentle with me, even if he does get a little impatient sometimes. Just as we started really lip sucking, the breakfast smells ran through my nose again, reminding me exactly why I was kissing him in the first place. I gently pulled back from his mouth and stuck a hand up when he tried to follow.

Pouting a bit, Taichi gave me his cute glare, "Stop teasing me! What's up with you?"

I just give him a small grin back, and tell him simply, "I'm hungry."

For a few moments, Taichi just stares at me, blinking a couple of times as if I were crazy. "You're... hungry? Really? Well I..." Then he stopped, eyes widening as he took a sniff of the air, "My god! Why didn't you tell me there was food! Come on, let's go see what's up!" Eagerly Taichi jumped out of bed, pulling me behind him.

Just as we were about to open the door, it opened itself and a blonde head poked through. When he saw Taichi standing there with me in his arms, he gave us an uncertain smile, "Uh... hey guys. I, um, made breakfast for you." Taichi didn't say anything, but when I looked at him, he was glaring at my brother. Takeru continued, "I just... wanted to apologize, for yesterday and all. Tai... I really didn't mean any of that...honest. And I'm sorry for the whole pill and yelling thing Matt." He looked at us so pleadingly that I forgave him right then and there. He was my brother after all, so I never can hold a grudge against him. And I know Takeru didn't mean much yesterday, he was just upset and defending his boyfriend.

After minutes of silence, Taichi finally asked in a cold tone, "Do you have eggs and potatoes out there?"

"Um... yeah... along with pancakes, bacon and real maple syrup" Takeru answered uncertainly, wondering like me about the way Taichi was acting.

Then Taichi grinned widely, much to our surprise, "Good, then your forgiven. Can we go eat now, please?" He said cheerfully.

Takeru and I stared at him in shock, before we both burst out laughing. Leave it to Taichi to let his stomach make everything all right to him. He just watched us with a hurt expression, "What?" He asked, making us laugh harder. I held my stomach, the only thing keeping me from falling to the ground was Taichi's arm around my waist. It felt so good to laugh like this, it had been so long since I had and meant it. After more minutes of our outburst, Taichi finally got too impatient and went for the door, dragging me along with him.

Taichi plopped me in a chair as I calmed down and wiped away a few tears, then he grabbed a plate, piled it with every kind of food on the stove, then slid it in front of me. He smiled, "Eat, your getting too thin." Then he went to obtaining his own breakfast, which piled three times as high as my own plate. Takeru came up behind me and we watched Taichi in astonishment as he shoveled the food into his bottomless stomach. Finally I turned around and started taking small bites of my own meal. Takeru sat down beside me with his plate of food.

"So where's your walking stomach lover?" I grinned around a forkful of eggs, making conversation with my quiet brother.

Takeru shrugged and grinned back, "I told him I couldn't supply nearly enough food for both him and Tai. I don't know where they put it all! He also had to go shopping for a new soccer shirt, since he tore his other one. I offered to go with him, but he told me to come over here and make up with you guys because he had to play on the same team as Tai and didn't want a stupid argument to ruin their so called team abilities."

I gave a small snort, starting on some of the crisp bacon, "At least the cooking lessons I gave you paid off."

"Heh, that's for sure." We went on talking about how much our boyfriends were alike, and small things in our lives long after we finished eating, me leaving over half of my meal as Taichi had given me so much. Taichi of course pulled that over in front of himself and polished it off, even after having three more helpings before that. Takeru told me that Dad was off at the office because of some technical difficulties with the tv equipment and might not be back until late. I wasn't very surprised over that of course, dad was always off working.

It wasn't until around one when Takeru left. We said our good-byes, then I went over and collapsed on the couch, exhausted after all that talk and actually feeling full for once. Taichi stood in front of me, "Hey, I'm going to use the shower, you going to be okay?"

"Of course I'm going to be okay. I'm in my own home you know." I snapped, suddenly feeling a small surge of anger. I know he's just being all concerned again, but he doesn't have to think that I can't be alone in my own house. I didn't look at Taichi, feeling bad about my outburst, but I could feel the hurt in his eyes.

"Oh, all right then. Can I borrow some of your clothes?" I nodded and he left. In a few minutes I could hear the water running in the bathroom and a door slam shut. I'm sorry Taichi, I didn't mean to make you upset, I'm just really feeling out of sorts lately. My good mood from breakfast faded quickly, leaving me with a depressed feeling. What was wrong with me? I wish I knew, I really shouldn't be acting like this. I mean, it happened months ago, I should be starting to get over it by now. I remember Taichi telling me once that I was made of ice, stubborn and solid as a rock but even the smallest chisel would break me at some point, chipping away at my defenses until there was nothing left of me. That attack was a big blow, shattering me in one hit. It just wasn't fair! Why'd it have to happen to me? Out of all people walking around that night, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If only I had left for home earlier, or had gone straight home in the first place. If only... But it had happened, and it was no use thinking about what I could have done instead.

The dark feeling was starting to take over me again. I couldn't stand it, it felt like I was drowning, unable to surface for air. And all the while, that terrible emptiness was inside of me, never growing, but never leaving. What would it take to fill it up? No... I shouldn't be thinking about that, it only makes it worse. I need to take my mind off of it. Quickly standing up, I make my way over to the kitchen and turn on the tap, watching the cool water gush out of the nozzle. I grab a dirty plate from the counter top and hold it under the stream, rinsing it and setting it aside for a good washing later. I take another one, rinse it, then another, mechanically keeping my arms in motion and my mind blank. I don't dare think about anything, don't want the empty feeling to slip into my mind again. I just keep my eyes trained on the rising steam from the now hot water, not even noticing how it's burning my hands. Another plate rinsed of food chunks and syrup, now to start with the cups. Blank mind, no thoughts, no pain. I ignore the way the pain is tearing me up inside, ignore the darkness eating away at my soul and the way the fear is taking over my mind. Just concentrate at the task at hand.

"Yama-chan?" Ignore that distracting voice, I have to tune out the world. It only brings me pain and fear. I know I'm closing my self up again, settling myself deep in my mind away from reality, but I need to... I can't stand the emptiness. I don't even notice that he's beside me until my hand is pulled away from the burning water. Blankly I stare down at his hand holding my two, inspecting the way my hands are bright red from the heat. He reaches over and turns the hot water down, testing it until it's at a cool temperature and puts my hands back under it, washing away the pain. Slipping his other arm around my waist, he pulls me against him, "Oh Yama... I'm so sorry..." his breath tickles my ear, making me shiver with pleasure.

My thoughts are still scrambled, my mind still mostly blank, but I can think well enough to know I enjoy the way Taichi is holding me. Leaning my head into his chest, I listen to his strong heart beat and somehow it reassures me. Dazed, I stay tight in his grip and watch contentedly as he rubs my reddened hands gently under the cool water, soothing their burning. Then he takes them both in his hand, his hand is so much bigger than one of my own, and kisses them lightly before wiping them off with his shirt. "There... all better Love." Taichi drops my hands to my side and wraps me in a large, warm hug, letting me snuggle into his shoulder while he rests his chin on my head. His scent is of the lilac soap and fruity shampoo he had just used, and I take a deep breath of it as I start to come back to my senses. "I wish I could do more to help," Taichi mumbles into my hair, "You really scared me, with that distant look in your eyes like you were in some far off place. And I somehow doubt it was a happy place. I just... feel so useless..."

His deep sigh makes me tilt my head up, and I can see a great sadness and fear in his eyes, fear for me. When he sees me looking, he smiles, relief showing clearly, and his eyes light up. Staring into those melting chocolate orbs, I give him a tiny smile to show him I was okay, "You're not useless Taichi... you're wonderful." I could feel the tension drain out of him a bit, and he gave me his trademark grin.

"You're just saying that 'cause you're my Angel."

"No," I protest, "It's because I love you!"

Taichi just lets out a small grateful laugh, then slides his left hand under my thighs, lifting me up in his arms. Usually I would push away from something like this, the close contact and the feeling of being weak, but this time I decide I'm very comfortable in his safe arms, as he cradles me lovingly against his chest. "I know Yama-chan, and I love you, my beautiful golden haired sexy a-"

"Taichi!" I could feel heat crossing my cheeks and knew I was blushing fiercely. The things Taichi says! He's always calling my beautiful, or angel, and even sexy once in awhile, even though he knows how uncomfortable it makes me. I'm nowhere near an angel, and I don't think myself as beautiful, but of course I have to admit it does make me feel kind of special and warm inside when he calls me those things. Taichi was always one for praise, knowing just how to lift me out of depression.

Instead of saying anything, Taichi gives me a tender smile and carries me to the living room were he sits on the couch, letting me curl up on his lap. Resting my head against his chest, I feel pleasure run through me as he starts combing his gentle fingers through my hair, trailing his other hand up and down my back in a slow, soothing motion. His breath tickles my skin as he leans his head against mine, making my heart ache with love at his nearness. I feel so safe and secure in his arms, like nothing can hurt me here, no bad things can reach me while I have my Taichi holding me, protecting me. Relaxing, I let my mind drift as I happily doze in his embrace, both of us silent with the tranquil mood that has settled over us. While listening to his steady heart beat, it is then that I realize a difference inside of me. Something was missing... no, wait... something new was there. The hole inside of me seemed to have withdrawn for the moment. I could still feel where it was, or is, but it wasn't gaping open like it had before. There was something filling it, trying to make it disappear. It felt... so nice, shutting out the pain that had been there moments before.

Taichi shifted a bit beneath me, bringing my body into a more comfortable position, "Don't go to sleep Yama-chan," his voice mumbles, sounding as if he was the one about to fall asleep. I just nod against his chest, confused at the sudden elation inside of me. I try to think back, when had the emptiness disappeared? Where'd it go? I had been feeling it in full not more than twenty or so minutes ago, and now it is gone, or suppressed at least. It must have closed off when.... when Taichi got back out of his shower and had his arms around me... that's when it started to let me out of the darkness. And as I think even further back, I can recall other times when Taichi had brought me out, helped to keep me from drowning in the dark waters of my soul. Like yesterday, after the 'incident' when he held me after my breakdown, calming me until I could sleep, taking away my pain. I hadn't noticed then how the empty hole had faded away for those moments that he was with me, I only noticed how it was there when he was gone. I always knew he could take away my pain, help me through 'most anything, but could he replace what I had lost as well? Could just the way his strong arms held me, bringing our bodies together as one, telling me how much he loved me, calming me when I went out of control... could all those things heal the loss of what they stole from me?

"'love you, Yama..." His soft lips brush against my forehead, and his arms tighten slightly. I think... I think that maybe he can fill me up inside, pull me up from the edge of that dark bottomless pit, hang onto my hand when the waters become too rough for me to handle alone. As long as he...

"Taichi?"

"Mm? What is it love?"

"Never leave me, okay? Promise not to leave me alone forever?"

"Yama... I already did promise..."

"Promise me again... please?"

"I promise never to leave you, my Angel..."

Yes, I think I will be able to live longer now, with that knowledge that Taichi will always be around to help me. I know I will still have those times, maybe even every day, when those empty feelings will overwhelm me. Taichi can't be by my side 24-7, but he will always come back before long. He will always be around to hold me close when I need the comfort. And maybe one day, his love will fill me so completely that the hole will disappear for good, and I will never feel it again. His love... yes... that's what it is, that's why I don't feel so empty when he's close to me, don't feel the fear and pain inside.

Taichi's worried voice cuts through my thoughts, "Yama-chan? I can still go out to play soccer right? I mean, you'll only be without me for a couple of hours, and-" I stop him with a finger to his lips, soft laughter escaping my mouth.

"Of course Taichi, you goof..." Before I can get into any more of my name calling, his lips dodge around my fingers and are pressed against my own. I relax again, knowing Taichi would never hurt me, and we lay like that for awhile, just reveling in each other's warmth and our own pleasure at being together. When we finally part, I sigh in content, burying my head into his chest once again.

"Taichi?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too."   


(A/N) Okay, I know, very sappy ending, hehe, but hey, it was alright... right?? Please Review!!! I don't know if I'll go on with this one, since I have no idea where'd I go... If you really want more then I'll need ideas!! Ja ne!


	3. Bumps in the Road

HoldingOn3.html (A/N) Whew, next part done! I decided to keep going with this since I got so many nice reviews requesting more parts, so here it is! This is Yaoi - Taito, with very tiny hints of Daikeru and a sort of mention of Ken x Kari. Anywhoo, just read and you'll see. Angst, WAFF (I think), and soccer! 

Disclaimer: Don't own digimon characters... I hope to God you already knew that!   


**Holding On: Part Three**

Tai's POV

Do you know what the most wonderful feeling in the world is? For me, it's waking up in my lover's arms, feeling the light weight of his head against my chest, his even breaths tickling my neck, warm body pressed against mine as he sleeps. I've always loved watching him sleep, even before I really knew my real feelings for him. It's the way he looks so peaceful and innocent, as if nothing bad has ever hurt him and nothing ever will. And he looks so young, so fragile that the slightest disturbance will break him into a million pieces as I hold him protectively in my arms. I love the way his perfectly colored golden hair falls across his gently shut eyelids, brushing against my neck and chest, and the way his lips curve slightly upward in an innocent smile that I rarely see anymore when he is awake. 

But even more pleasureable than that is getting to watch him wake up. Before he is aware of the world and the follies of humankind. His eyes will flutter open slightly, and I will see the light glimmering in his crystal azure depths as they glance around with partial confusion and wonder. His body never moves, it's always his eyes first, checking around to see what exactly is around him before he ventures to wake any further, to see if there is anything worth getting up for. Then finally he will let out a small tantalizing sigh, he will reach up with one slender hand and run it sleepily through his hair, the pride and joy of his life. He always looks the cutest when he is first waking up, not that he isn't cute during the rest of the time, but at this moment he is still untainted by reality, unfocused to the world around him. 

Now as I watch him awake in my arms, he goes through the same routine as always, never fails unless he is frightened or shocked out of his sleep. The morning sun coming through the window falls across his head, alighting his hair in a golden brilliance, and glinting off of his partially opened clear, blue eyes. God, I swear, he is the most beautiful being on this planet. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he is really an angel fallen from heaven, somehow managing to land in my arms. He never believes me, now matter how many times I tell him, but I can still see the appreciation that glows in his eyes, telling me that I'm saying the right thing. 

His hand finishes its regular swipe through the blonde hair, and suddenly he stiffens in my arms, letting out a small wimper that tears at my heart. Even after all these months, the terror of that one night plagues him endlessly, making him fearful at every sudden movement or reminder. 

Making sure not to tighten my hold and scare him even more, I place one hand beneath his chin, tilting his face so he can look directly in my eyes, so he can see there is no danger. "'Morning Angel, sleep well?" At my smile his face immediatly softens and his body relaxes again. 

Crystal eyes shimmering with unshed tears and love, Yamato buries his head into my chest and I wrap my arms around him once again, protecting him from anything that may hurt him. I hate seeing fear in his eyes, making them wide and untrusting. Lord knows why he trusts me as much as he does, not after what I did to him, all the pain that I caused him. He has told me over and over how he forgives me, how it wasn't my fault, but sometimes I still can't help but feel the guilt and shame at leaving him behind, making him walk home by himself only to be raped and almost beaten to death. How can I not blame myself? But still my Yama loves me and trusts me with his life, he says I'm the only one able to take away his pain. And I believe him, with all my heart, I could never even pretend that he would lie to me. So even though I don't deserve him or his trust, I still do have him, for which I'm eternally grateful for. Everyday my love for Yamato grows stronger, and everyday I wish I could take away his pain forever. 

"You okay Yama-chan?" I know he hates that question, but I always like to make sure, even if he does tend to keep his problems to himself. 

The blonde sighs against me and half pushes away to look into my eyes again, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to go make breakfast for Dad, you coming?" No, you are not fine, and I can see that, see the pain in your eyes and tension in your face. You like to pretend that everything is fine, but the pain and fear never seems to leave you. I wish more than anything in the world that I could heal you, honest I do. 

"Sure, right behind you, all the way." I mean that in more than one way, and he knows it. 

Sadly I watch my beautiful koibito pull away from me and swing himself over the side of the bed. I don't usually sleep over here since my family doesn't like to put up with it, but Yamato was having a really bad day yesterday and needed the comfort. His depression came on so suddenly and worse than I've seen before, and I can tell you it scared me more than anything. The blank, dead look in his usually sparkling eyes and the way he didn't even know I was there when I said his name. It seemed to take forever to break him out of his trance like state, I was terrified for every second it took. Fortunately I managed not to freak or anything, and it seemed I said all the right words as I finally got him to come back to the real world. I hope never to see that look again, although I'm not too sure that I won't, maybe not for awhile at least. 

I had stayed with him for the rest of the day, not daring to leave his side again incase he fell back into his dark hole. Most of the day we just cuddled on the couch, him on my lap while I comforted him as much as I could. Yamato even tried to explain something of what he was feeling, which is quite unusual for him. From what he said, he felt like he was barely hanging on the edge of a bottomless pit or drowning in a black sea, or something like that. He told me that what hurt him most, made him so depressed, was what those bastards took from him, something that was more special to him than anything. Obviously he was talking about his virginity, and just thinking about how he was forced to give himself up like that in the most painful way, makes me sick to my stomach. I still dream of making Seb pay for what he did to my Love. 

"Taichi, are you coming or not? Maybe you're not hungry this morning?" Yamato's soft teasing voice broke through my thoughts, and I looked up to find him already dressed, and about to go out the door. 

"Hey! Wait a sec, I'm coming! Make sure you make a whole lot of food, I'm starving!" I leaped out of bed with my usual energitic style, and went to catch up with him as he disappeared through the opening. I didn't even bother to change out of my boxers and t-shirt (both of which were Yamato's) as I could feel my stomach already growling at the thought of Yamato's wonderful cooking. He's the best cook you can find anywhere, I'm not kidding! Just the thought of his light, fluffy scrambled eggs with special herbs along with his homemade toasted bread and pancakes sets my mouth watering enough to fill a lake. Yamato says I'm way too obsessed with food, but I can see he enjoys making it for me, and who am I to take that away from him? 

I skid into the kitchen and am immediatly pushed back out, "I don't want you messing up my kitchen or distracting me with your whining while I'm trying to prepare breakfast. Out, go watch some tv or something." No matter what happens, Yamato will always be commanding and very particular when it comes to his kitchen, he can't stand anybody else in it, especially when they are klutz's like me. 

"Hey Mr. Ishida, what's happening?" I grin as I collapse into the couch cushions, leaving Yamato in his own little paradise. His father is sitting in the large arm chair nearby, his favorite seat that I had learned long ago about never sitting in it myself with the help of a new bump on my head. 

He barely glances up from his newspaper, "Good morning Tai, how are you? Is Matt making breakfast?" 

"I'm great! And yeah, he's in the kitchen right now." He nods, and doesn't say anything else, so I just shrug and flick on the television set. As luck would have it, it's saturday, which means a whole morning of cartoons which I almost always watch, no matter how much my little sister teases me. As I find one I like, I turn up the volume then glance at Mr. Ishida. He just takes a sip of his coffee and keeps reading the news. Yamato's dad is pretty cool in my opinion. First, and most important, he knows that me and Yamato are completely in love and are going out, and he's totally fine with it. He even welcomed me into the family and teases us all the time in a friendly way! Unlike my dad, who says he's okay with it, after almost killing me when he found out, and still won't even mention Yamato anymore. He just pretends it's not really happening, but almost always disappears whenever I invite Yamato over. At least now I know my father won't try to kill me or disown me or anything stupid like that. The problem is that he's a complete homophobic, so I never told him about Yamato's and my relationship. Unfortunately he caught us together once. He was ready to murder me right then and there, but we managed to convince him otherwise, now he just barely puts up with it. The other reasons Yamato's father is great, is the way he trusts us to be alone together and trusts me to be there for Yamato, to help him out when his father can't be there, as well as helping us out when we need it. 

"Dad, Taichi, breakfast." 

At breakfast I listened to Yamato and his father chatter easily to each other, mostly with Mr. Ishida saying stuff like his son should eat more and go outside, while Yamato would argue back with either a 'I just don't feel like it' or his more popular response, 'whatever'. I managed to stay out of most of the converstation by keeping my mouth stuffed with food, only answering when asked a direct question. 

Afterwards, I was helping to clear away the dishes and was just putting a stack in the kitchen sink when Yamato came in muttering to himself. "What's that Yama?" I turned around and watched him with concern. He was looking a little depressed again, his body almost rigid with emotion. 

His blue eyed gaze turned up at me, and he gave a shrug while setting down the last of the dirty plates, "Ah, nothing." He stared at the dishes in disgust before shaking his head and stomping back out of the room. 

Confused, I hastily followed Yamato to his bedroom where he grabbed a comb and a bottle of gel and headed for the bathroom. Just before he stepped through the door, he finally remembered me, "Taichi, go get dressed. Looks like we have to go out today, think of something will ya?" Then he slammed the door shut. 

We're going out? Well, obviously that was not Yamato's idea, so before going back to the bedroom, I decided to go find his father and see what's up. I found him in his chair again, watching television. "Mr. Ishida? What's wrong with Matt? He says we have to go out." 

"Huh? Oh... right. I'm having the house cleaned today professionally, it's gotten way out of hand, so we need to stay out so they can clean carpets and stuff. Matt's just mad because he thinks he can clean the house just fine, except that I've been waiting for him to do it for the past two years! They're expected to come within the next hour, so I'd like for you boys to be out by then. I'll give you some money, and try to keep him outside for awhile okay? He needs some fresh air." He explained, giving a shrug and turning back to his program. 

"Uh, sure thing." No wonder Yamato's in a bad mood. He hardly ever goes out anymore, and most likely the only reason he's agreeing to it now is because I'll be with him. Back in Yamato's bedroom, I proceed to get dressed, borrowing some of his clothes again as I never went back home yesterday to get my own. After digging around a bit I finally found a shirt that wasn't black and was reasonably clean, while deciding to just wear my shorts from yesterday. While putting these on I suddenly remembered Takeru mentioning a soccer game going on today down at the park, just a fun one with our friends. Maybe that would take Yamato's mind off of things, and he shouldn't mind since he knows everyone that will be there. 

Yamato came back from the bathroom a short while later, his hair shaped to perfection in a sort of smooth spiked style that he usually does. He still looked kind of down, so the first thing I did when he got close enough was pull him towards me into a comforting hug, trying to relax him a bit. As usual, it worked as he almost went completely limp in my arms. "So... where to?" He mumbled into my shirt. 

"Soccer." Was my reply, pleased with the response as Yamato lifted his head in surprise. He also looked confused, so I explained further, telling him about the game that the group was putting together for the afternoon. Yamato looked very skeptical so of course I switched into my almost whiney voice that usually suckered anybody to do anything I wanted, "Come on Angel, it'll be tons of fun. Almost everybody is going to be there, even the genius's, Izzy and Ken. You'll enjoy yourself, I promise. Besides, you need the fresh air." 

"You've been talking to my Dad, haven't you?" Yamato accused me, but then sighed in defeat and pulled away, "Fine, I'll go, but only because you want me to." 

=-=-=-= 

"Tai! Matt! Glad you could join us!" Sora waved over to us from the picnic table where the rest of the gang were grouped. Takeru smiled and waved at us from his position on Daisuke's lap as the boy who had inherited my goggles lazily held the blonde while making faces at the crazy Miyako who was drooling over some passing boys. Ken Ichijouji and Koushiro Izumi sat on one side of the table in front of the redhead's laptop discussing something, which I'm sure contained a bunch of long technical terms that nobody but other genius's could understand. Those two are always figuring out something or other together, but no, they are not going out or anything like that. As far as I know, neither one is gay or even bi. In fact I happen to know that Ken has a secret crush on my sister, 'though he made me promise never to mention that under pain of torture! And last but not least was Sora Takenuchi, my best friend from kindergarden, who was at the moment sitting cross legged on the top of the table while tossing a soccer ball around in her hands and grinning at us as we headed towards the group. 

I waved back at everyone and started to jog over to them, until I noticed that Yamato wasn't beside me anymore. Looking back I found him a few paces behind me, dragging his feet glumly as he followed. "Yama? What's the matter? You know everyone here, so it's alright. Isn't it?" 

His head snapped up, then he shrugged and glanced over at the waiting group of kids, "Yeah, sure. Just thinking, that's all." Was his only explaination before pasting on a small smile and hurrying past me. Shaking my head, I follow close behind. Something's upsetting Yamato, but of course he won't tell me unless I push it too much, which I won't do since that just makes him upset. 

While Yamato went over to talk to his brother, I made my way to Sora and sat down at the edge of the table beside her. I reached over and grabbed the ball out of the air as she tossed it up again, and started to spin it on my finger. Sora laughed and swatted my head, "So, how's Matt doing?" She knew better than to ask Yamato himself that question as he would either end up very angry, ignore it, or just say he's fine. 

I shrugged, "Fine." I wasn't about to start discussing our problems with anyone but Yama, I didn't care how close of a friend she was. Besides, I knew if Yamato found out I was telling someone else about his private fears and stuff, he would probably either kill me or never speak to me again, and I sure didn't want either one of those happening. Before she could ask anything else, I quickly threw the ball and bounced it off of the side of Koushiro's head. 

The redhead jerked his head up and glared at me, "Hey! What was that for?" 

"Are we playing or solving life's problems? Get off that damn thing and let's get started!" Jumping up I called over to the others to get over here and soon we were all grouped around the picnic table. 

"Okay then, Tai, Matt, you're the leaders, pick your teams." Koushiro told us with a smile. 

"What? Why are we on separate teams?" I glared angrily at him, not sure if I liked being against the one guy who needed me. 

Koushiro raised an eyebrow, "Because you two are the oldest of course. Now pick." 

I looked at Yamato, but he didn't seem to be upset over this at all, so I just sighed and nodded. My team ended up with Sora, Koushiro, and Takeru, while Yamato had Miyako, Daisuke and Ken. Soon we were all positioned on the field, me and Ken starting the kick off and we got down to business. Ken smiled shyly at me just before the game started, he was still getting used to having friends around but I could see he really enjoyed it. I grinned back good naturedly and dodged around him with the ball, Ken turned and was hot on my heels. I was almost at the goal at the other end where Miyako was playing goalie when Daisuke speeded in front of me and kicked the ball away. Daisuke is on my soccer team during the in season, and I have to admit he's just about as good as me, not quite, but almost. Panting a bit, I turned on my heel and watched as Yamato jogged down the field to take a pass if Daisuke needed it, and Takeru was headed straight for his boyfriend. Of course, just because Takeru and Daisuke were going out, didn't mean they were going to be easy on each other in competition. 

Sora was our goalie, and I saw the look of determination on her face as she watched the ball closing in on her, even though she still had the bright smile on. Instead of taking the shot though, as Daisuke usually would have since he loved being a star, he saw Takeru was right in front and passed the ball to Yamato who was a few feet to the left of him. Yamato easily controlled the ball and shot it into the net, scoring a perfect goal. His team cheered while ours just rolled our eyes and threatened to get them next time. 

After half an hour of playing, the score was tied 10-10, and since we were all hot and tired by now, we decided next goal wins. Wiping some sweat out of my eyes, I grinned over at Yamato, then kicked the soccer ball high over the opposite team's heads, trying for a one shot goal. Miyako managed to grab it and she kicked it over to Yamato who took off down the field with it. It actually looked like he was having a pretty good time, and I secretly congragulated myself for thinking of this to take his mind off of things. I jogged slowly down to our end but didn't try to get the ball too fast as I saw that Koushiro was already on that. I was just ready to cheer him on when it happened. It was so fast that I didn't even realize what was going on until I heard the terrified scream cut through the air. 

Koushiro was only a few steps away from Yamato when he suddenly tripped on a clump of grass sticking up. He went flying straight out into the surprised blonde, knocking them both down, Koushiro landing on Yamato. I raced as hard as I could over to them just in time to see Koushiro get knocked back, holding his hands to his nose as blood spurted out, a shocked look on his face. But I hardly registered that as I saw Yamato lying on the ground in a shivering ball, screaming his head off. 

"Don't touch me! Stay away! Don't hurt me, please! It hurts, oh it hurts, get off of me, please... go away! GO AWAY! STOP HURTING ME!! IT HURTS!" He screamed over and over. I rushed by Sora and Miyako who were holding Koushiro while everyone stared open mouthed at the hysterical boy. 

I was terrified out of my mind, seeing Yamato act like this. This has never happened before, but of course he's never been bowled over either since the attack. I reached his side and tried to calm him, but the moment I touched him, he screamed even louder and punched out at me, catching me in the shoulder hard enough to make me wince. "YAMATO! STOP!" I screamed back at him, if he kept this up he was going to hurt himself or someone else in the very least. His blue eyes were glazed over as he stared wildly about, reliving that horrible nightmare, his face tight with agony. I didn't know what to do, he was too out of it to even know I was there. Then as he screamed again at something I could not see, I grabbed his wildly swinging arms and pulled him into me, wrapping my arms around him tight so he couldn't move. 

"Shh, Yama-chan, Angel... It's okay, stop this, please. You're safe now, I won't let anybody hurt you, I promise." I whisper in his ear as he tried to pull away in jerky movements, still screaming and pleading. "It was just Koushiro, Yama, you know him. He wouldn't hurt you either, he's a friend. It's okay now, shh, you're okay..." 

Suddenly Yamato seemed to come out of it with a jerk and a gasp, latching onto my shirt and started to sob into my chest. I pulled my shaking koi onto my lap, where he curled up, not taking his face away from my shirt for a second. "Oh... oh Tai-Taichi... I'm s-sorry-y... he... he scared m-me... an-and I th-thought... they were... were... Don't leave me T-Taichi, p-please don't... don't leave m-me..." He sobbed, twisting my heart to hear the fear and pain in his voice. 

"Shh, I'm not going anywhere Angel, you're safe with me. Don't you worry, everything's going to be all right." Rocking Yamato gently, I looked up a found six very worried and frightened eyes on us from where the rest of the kids were huddled a few feet away. Koushiro seemed to have stopped his nosebleed, and it didn't look broken from here, just a little swollen. Takeru was staring at his crying brother with wide eyes, looking like that frightened eight year old that I remember from our adventures again. He seemed to be shaking almost as hard as Yamato and Daisuke was trying his best to calm him down. I sighed apologetically and stood up with Yamato cradled in my arms, his face still hiding from the world, "Sorry about that guys... looks like we'll have to call it a game huh? It's just... uh... you know... he's still having a hard time with it an' all. 'Your nose okay Koushiro?" 

Koushiro stood up and nodded, giving me a slight grin, "Yeah, no problem Tai. You have nothing to apologize for, I understand." The others behind him nodded as well. 

"Thanks guys. I guess I'll be taking him home now. You okay Takeru? Don't worry, Yamato will be fine, he's just shaken up right now." 

Takeru wiped his eyes quickly, and gave me a small smile, "I know... it just scared me, that's all. You'll get him to phone me when he's feeling better right?" 

"Yeah, of course. See ya all!" They waved as I turned away and headed quickly for the car, eager to Yamato home as soon as possible where he'll hopefully calm down. When I finally got the car door open and tried to set him in the seat, Yamato clung onto my shirt tighter, shaking his head against me. 

"Don't g-go Taichi, please? I-I don't wanna be... be a-alone, they... they'll h-hurt m-me..." 

I sighed and pulled him into a tight hug, "Yama-chan, I can't carry you all the way home. I'll be right beside you, just let me get into the driver's seat okay? I won't leave, I promised you. I won't let anybody hurt you," Slowly the blonde's sobs resided as he nodded slightly, taking a few more minutes before he let go of me. "Okay, I'm just going around the car to the otherside now, alright? We're going to your house." When I pulled away from him, Yamato turned to face the front, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them while hiding his face against them. 

As quickly as I could I ran around the car and got into it and started it up. Yamato's shaky voice was heard over the engine, "We... we can't go to... to my house... the cleaners, re-remember?" 

Shit, I had forgotton about them, and I doubt his house is even half clean yet with the state it was in before we left. "I guess we'll just have to go to my house then." He didn't say anything, but I knew we both didn't want to have to put up with my dad's suspicious nature of what we do together. But we don't have any other choice, I need to get Yamato to a bed where we can talk and he can rest. With another sigh, I pull out of the parking lot and head for my apartement building, glancing over at the silent boy beside me from time to time. His head is still buried in his knees, and he's shaking like hell. Damn it, this is my fault for sure this time, I shouldn't have made him go out today. We could have went to a quiet, isolated spot where no one could scare him, but noo, instead the asshole that I am made us go play a contact sport with a bunch of other kids. If I ever used my head, I should have been able to foreseen something like this. Baka, baka, baka, I repeat over and over in my head. You'd think that by now I'd have learned to think ahead. Baka! 

I swirve into the parking lot of my family's apartement building while pounding the steering wheel in time to my self name calling. By the time I've shut off the engine, I'm ready to beat myself up for being such an unfeeling bastard. Why, oh why do I hurt Yama like this? "Fucking idiot!" I bang my forehead into the steering wheel, ignoring the pain of the hard plastic digging into my skin, "Damn fucking asshole!" I didn't even realize I was swearing at myself out loud until I felt a touch on my shoulder and looked up into the frightened and confused watery blue eyes staring at me. Quickly I broke the gaze, feeling unworthy of his concern, and slammed my way out of the car. 

Making my way around to his side, I tear the door open and reach in more calmly to carry him out, but Yamato shakes his head, "No... I can walk." His voice sounds strained, like he's trying not to cry again. He slowly steps out of the car and stands up, looking very shaky on his feet. After locking up the doors, I wrap my arm around his waist, giving him support while we slowly walk to the apartement, both not saying a word. 

When we got through my door, Yamato was shaking again, and I quit my self loathing for the time to pull him closer to me, trying to comfort him. We headed straight for my room, but we had to pass the living room where my father looked up from the television. Narrowing his eyes at how I was holding Yamato, he ignored my koibito to talk to me in a forced patient voice, "Tai, where do you think you're going with him?" Even though he's accepted my relationship with Yamato, my father doesn't trust or like it one bit. He doesn't believe in the least that it's right for two boys to be in love, that it's not normal. That's why I usually hang around at Yamato's house instead of here. 

I glare over at him, "We're going to my room, and don't even think of bothering us," He starts to open his mouth but I cut him off, "Just leave off! Yama-chan has had a really rough day, and believe me, I would rather go to his house, but we can't. So just deal with it!" And with that I lead Yamato to the bedroom that me and my sister share. Fortunately she's out with mom shopping today so I don't have to put up with her questions and motherly concerns. Slamming the door behind me, I lock it and take Yamato to my bed, sitting on it with him on my lap. 

Yamato leans against me miserably while I rock him gently, trying to soothe away his pain. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I ruined the game, and... and hurt Koushiro... I'm sorry..." He whispers, trembling. 

"No Angel, you have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault, you couldn't help it. And Koushiro is fine, don't even think about it, okay? If it's anybody's fault, it's m..." I quickly bite my tongue on that, knowing Yamato hated it when I blamed myself, and I really didn't want to upset him now. But Yamato already figured out what I was about to say as he pushed away slightly to look into my eyes. 

"No it's not Taichi," his voice is a lot calmer now, "It's not your fault... really. I didn't have to go play you know, I wanted to. Please don't put the blame on yourself, it's nobody's fault... it just happened, okay?" His beautiful azure eyes plead to me to listen to him. I guess he's right, I didn't actually force him to go, he agreed to it, kind of. 

Sighing heavily, I smile at him to show him I agree, and gently brush some blonde hair out of his eyes, leaning down to place a soft kiss on his forehead. "Okay Angel, you're right, I'm sorry." Yamato sighs as well, leaning his head back against my shoulder, "You tired love?" I ask him, falling backwards on the bed so that I'm lying down with him on my chest. 

Yamato mumbles something that I take as an affirmative, and tucks his head beneath my chin. I guess he would be tired after all that excitement. Lord, I wish so badly to take away his pain, but he just won't let go of it. I hope that one day he'll be able to push it back and face the world again without fear. 

Feeling tired out myself, I was about to drift off to sleep when I remembered I had to do one more thing before we could sleep. "Yama-chan? Yamato... where're your pills?" He mutters something about them being in a sock drawer at home. Quickly I sit up, not letting Yamato go off into dreamland as I know very well the consequences of that. 

The blonde slumps against me, groaning in his half asleep state, "What're you doing Tai... I'm so tired..." As he starts to nod off again, I shake him, standing up and pulling him with me. "Wha...?" His blue eyes widen in confusion as he stares at my obviously worried face. 

"You can't go to sleep without those pills, you know that Yama. Especially after what happened today." His thin body visibly shudders, and he pulls away while running a hand through his mussed golden hair. 

"Yeah... yeah, you're right... sorry." Yamato swayed a bit on his feet, but managed to stay standing as he walked over to the window looking out over the city. I hear him sigh sadly and he leans against the window sill, then speaks, "Taichi... what am I going to do? I'm so fucking messed up." He doesn't look at me but I can see his shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs. Quietly I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his slender waist, pulling him backwards into my body. I can't stand seeing him like this, it cuts me up inside, tears at my heart. My poor, poor Yama, I hate to see him cry. He's so fragile inside now, the slightest cause of hurt breaks him, sucks him dry. And here I am, about as much use as a dead doorknob, trying to comfort him when as usual, I'm the cause of his pain. God, if I knew it wouldn't kill him, I'd probably have killed myself by now with how much I keep screwing things up, making his pain worse. 

Rocking with his body a bit and nuzzling his pale neck, I whisper soothing words into his ear, trying to calm him, to trust me. "Shh, it's alright Yama-chan, I'm here for you." 

"Always and forever, right Taichi?" His voice comes out choked, almost scared. My soul cries out with his sorrow. 

Smiling a bit, I stroke his golden hair with one hand, and he relax's a bit, leaning back into my shoulder. "Always and forev-" Suddenly I'm cut off by a rude banging on the door. Yamato immediatly stiffens and pulls away, continuing to stare blankly out the window. We both know who's at the door. 

Cursing beneath my breath, I yell out, "What do you want? I told you to leave us alone!" I kick at a dirty sock out of my way and glare at the wooden barricade. 

My dad's voice booms through it, "Taichi! Get out here now, we need to talk. It's important." Important my ass. Nothing's more important than my Yama. 

"About what?!" I stubbornly yell back, watching Yamato's stiff back as he leans his forehead against the glass. 

"About your grandmother, now stop yelling and come. Matt can stay there." My father's voice was firm, and I knew he was getting impatient. 

With a sigh I turn towards the door, "I'll be right back Yama-chan, okay? Don't worry, and don't go to sleep!" He nods without looking, so I shrug and yank the door open after unlocking it to see my father's retreating back heading towards the living room as he beckons me to follow. He sits down on the couch, and with a glare I silently collapse into a chair near by, waiting for him to get this over with. If this is about my sex preferences, I am going to scream and kick his ass. 

Instead my father sighs, "Taichi, your grandmother is very ill right now, on the edge of death. I'm afraid we are going to have to go down to her for awhile okay? We're leaving tomorrow, so I want you to start packing and say goodbye to your... uh, friend." 

Uh... I think my mind just blanked out on me. All I can do is stare at my serious looking father as if he just said the craziest thing in the world. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. I shake my head a bit and ask, "What?" 

"You heard me." Was his only stern reply. Okay, let me get this straight... he wants me to just pack up and head out for who knows how long when my boyfriend really, desperately needs me? I mean, is he serious? My Grandmother lives miles and miles away, in the middle of nowhere. I can't leave Yamato alone like that! Not right now, that's just not right. He won't like this, not one bit. 

Flying to my feet, I glare angrily at my father, on the verge of exploding, "Can't I stay here? I can't leave! I'm old enough to stay here alone!" 

He calmly stares back at me, not even blinking, "Is that very fair of you? Don't you think your grandmother would like to see you one last time before she goes?" Man, I can't even argue with him! I... I... Dammit, I don't know what to do! 

"FINE! You just enjoy ruining my life so much, don't you?!" With that one last yell, I stomped back to my room, only to run into a very stressed looking blonde standing at the doorway. He stared at me as if he didn't know what to make of me. I stared back sadly, not sure of what to say. 

He spoke first, in a betrayed voice that made my heart sink, "You... you're... leaving?" 

I grabbed him in a hug, not caring if my father saw us, just needing to feel him against me. "I'm sorry Yama-chan, I'm so, so sorry, I have to... I don't want to, believe me. I'm sorry..." I choked back a sob, knowing that I needed to act strong for him as he trembled in my hold. But before I could say anything else, he pulled back, avoiding my gaze.   
  
"Whatever, it's only for a bit, I can take care of myself for a little while you know." I could hear a hint of anger in those words. I just silently nodded and wrapped him up again, letting him relax in my arms while I apologized again. "It's okay Taichi... I... I'll be alright. I understand... really, I do. You have to go. I don't mind, honest." 

I sniffed a bit, then nodded again and held him back, staring into his pained azure eyes. I wanted to capture every breathtaking detail of them before I left. This would be the first time we'd be apart for so long since I first ran away from him. Even then it wasn't long before we were together again. But I shouldn't worry so much, he is a grown boy after all and doesn't need me taking up his space every second of the day. He'll be okay, I'll make sure he stays at Takeru's house since his dad can't be there for him all the time. After taking a few minutes to convince myself that we'd both be fine apart for a little while, might even enjoy the break (which I didn't believe for a second), I grinned at him brightly, trying to lighten the mood. "Alright then, my beautiful Angel," I grin wider at his light blush, and sling an arm around him, leading him back into my room, "Do you think you could help me pack? I need someone to keep me on track as I tend to let my attention wander easily, ne?" 

Feeling delighted at his small smile, I chatter about unimportant matters of life while we go through my clothes and choose what I should bring. I really hope this trip doesn't last for more than a few days, I'm really going to miss my Yama. I'll be thinking about him the whole time my grandmother's dieing, and right now I am selfishly almost hoping she'll have a quick death, letting me get back sooner. Not that I want her to die or anything. Well... the only thing I'm wishing for at the moment is for Yamato to be okay without me for awhile, for nothing to happen to him. Of course, he will have his father and brother... I shouldn't worry so much. 

"Wow, nice undies Taichi!" Yamato giggles from behind me, and I turn only to have a handfull of boxers thrown in my face. Laughing back, I grab the nearest ball of socks and send them back at him. Soon we're in a full out clothing fight, laughing our heads off, and just not thinking about anything serious. I'm so glad he's taking this so well... God Yama, you don't know how much I'm going to miss you. And I know that inside, you're crying, and there's nothing I can do to help. Don't worry, I'll be back, I promised. You'll be just fine, I know you will be. 

=-=-=-= 

(A/N) Yes, I'm pretty sure this will be continued! And I'd like to thank Starrysapphire for her great ideas, one or two of which I'll be using (already am) ^_^ And to everybody else who reviewed and gave me motivation to continue! 

Don't forget to Review!!!!!! 


	4. 

HoldingOn4.html **(A/N)** Wow, I actually got around to finishing this part. I don't know how well it really turned out, it's quite dramatic, but it's something. Writer's block is a terrible, terrible thing to have happen. Oh well, I'm going to try to finish up this series soon and get on with a different one. And in case you have very short term memory, this is Taito and Daikeru meaning Yaoi, meaning boy loves boy. Um... I had my best friend ask me why Yama is always getting these headaches, and really I'm not sure, just to make the story more interesting I guess. He got quite kicked around in the head when he got beat up, so now he has headaches and no, he's not going to die from some horrible disease ^_^;; heh, just to clear that up. Just ignore anything that doesn't seem to make in real sense. Ah.. let's just get on with the fic!   
**Disclaimer:** Don't own digimon or the characters... happy? I didn't think so. 

**Holding On: Part 4**

Matt's POV:

A high pitched, and totally fake scream blasted out of the television speakers as some hollywood actress stood dumbly in front of the lamest monster I've ever seen. What a dumb, pointless and very unscary movie this turned out to be. Stifling a yawn, I look over to the other end of the couch to where my younger brother was curled up, his cerulean eyes half closed as he watched the movie. Next time we decide to rent a flick, I think I'll choose it. Takeru just has no sense of taste, he always ends up getting either a lame horror show or a movie focusing on basketball. Gag me. 

This was my second night staying at his house, and according to Taichi, I'll be staying here under brother supervision until he gets back. Great, I feel like I've done some sort of crime and now am not to be trusted. I'm not mad though, I know that Taichi is just being his good old protective self and is trying to help me. Plus he probably feels better this way. 

Taichi... It's only been two days and already I miss my koi, I don't know how I'm going to last the predicted one to two weeks! I know, I'm all grown up and don't need someone to baby me, but I really do feel so much safer with him nearby instead of thousands of miles away where I can't reach him if I need him. All because of... of... well let's just call it the incident... my self confidence and esteem have been shot to bits. I can't help feeling like I'm contaminated and weak, I mean I let them take... God, I can't even think about that without physically choking. But anyway, you get the picture. 

And then there's the dark hole trying to swallow me up, trying to make me drop right off the edge into a never ending and inescapable darkness. Crazy, ne? But that's what it feels like. I can't help the feeling, it's just there and it won't go away. Well, not completely. Only almost a week ago I had finally figured out the solution to pushing shadows away, all I had to do was stay near Taichi, take in his love. That simple. Not even my father or Takeru could do that, only my true love. Of course now my koi has gone off for the next week or more and I'm left to be consumed once more with my fears and inner demons. Maybe my brother can help fend them off, with the help of some of our friends, keep me from going insane. Well, maybe not all of our friends, just a couple of really, really good ones. I don't think that Koushiro is going to want to hang around me anymore after I totally flipped at that soccer game and just about broke his nose. And I should cross Sora and Miyako off my list too as they looked pretty shaken up over that, and would probably smother me with their over motherliness anyway. And that could not help me one bit as, oh yeah, I'm claustrophobic! Dammit, I'm so messed up, it's not even funny. No one can have any idea how hard it is for me to just find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

With a depressed sigh I shift on the couch so that I'm lying down on it with my head on the armrest, and stare up at the yellowy-white ceiling. Taichi... my Taichi... That's what I need to focus on now. I can clearly bring up his face in my mind, his wild brown hair that feels so soft and thick in my fingers, his perfect smile and mischievious grin, his sparkling deep chocolate eyes that I could get lost in for hours. Everything about that gentle, caring, loving boy seemed perfect in my mind's eye. Well... almost perfect, he did tend to get impatient, stubborn, hyperactive and touchy at times. As well as the fact that he always seemed to act without thinking. But that's what makes him seem so innocent and kawaii, most of the time. Of course, I'm still trying to get over the fact that this boy whom I've longed for since I first met him actually loved me back. It seems so unreal... but I know it isn't. We have had to go through so much to finally be together, especially me... 

No! Won't think about that, block those thoughts out of my mind. Got to think of happy things, like Taichi... like the last wonderful thing he did for me before he left with his family... 

_~Two days ago~_

Avoiding eye contact with any passing human, I let myself be led towards a quiet area of the park, my arm linked with Taichi's own tanned one. I was starting to have my doubts about this little excursion as I was quite happy with staying at home with him, away from the prying, and to me, cruel eyes. But I kept my fears to myself and looked up as my koi finally slowed down. I was surprised to see that no other people were around, which meant that I can relax now. I'd only ever come out to the park, or anywhere in the the city for that matter, with someone close to me, preferably Taichi or my brother. 

"Let's sit here for awhile, okay?" I look over at Taichi who has his cute grin aimed at me, and I agree immediately, liking how the loud city noises were muted here. I really can't believe that in a couple of hours Taichi will be gone, and I won't see him again for at least a week, maybe even longer. I know I can be strong, but I need Taichi and I know I'll miss him badly once he's gone. 

We sit down in the green grass, me stiffly and Taichi relaxed. After a few moments of silence, Taichi reaches over and pulls me into him, letting me lay my head on his shoulder as we stare out over the lake. Finally Taichi speaks, never one to cope with silence, "I'm going to miss you Yama-chan, I really am..." 

"You make it sound like we're never going to see each other again," His chocolate eyes widen at my casual comment and he pushes me away a bit so he can look into my own blue eyes. 

"I didn't mean it like that, I'll be back in two weeks at the most, probably even sooner." I can see he's trying his best to be comforting, so I give him a small smile and a nod. 

"I know. I'll miss you too." 

Taichi relaxes again but moves around so that he's facing me directly, "Yama-chan? I... I have something for you... to help you..." I can hear the hesitation in his voice, and I'm sure he's scared he's going to mess up and hurt me somehow. When I don't say anything, he nervously pulls something out of his pocket and holds it out to me. Curious, I peek at his open hand, and gasp. A perfectly smooth stone ring is laying there, swirling with all the shades of blue and sparkling with flecks of gold. It's the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. 

As I just sit there gaping at it, Taichi clears his throat, "Uh... it's for you. It's a promise ring." I blankly stare up at him as he takes my hand and slides it on my right ring finger, "For however long you keep this, I promise to always be there for you when I can, to never leave you forever, to always come back. I promise to help you through anything and never let that darkness swallow you whole. I promise... I promise to love you... forever..." 

Oh... my... god... Did he... did he think that all up himself? Did he mean it all? Am I dreaming? This is almost too good to be true, I can't believe Taichi would actually do something like this. It's just... he never seemed to be the type to appreciate what this could mean. But one look into his eyes and I can see he is more serious than he has ever been in his life. Oh no... I can feel the tears building up, man, I'm going to start bawling. This has to be the greatest gift I've ever received... his promise. 

As the tears start flowing down my cheeks I can see Taichi's expression start to change to concern and fear, so before he can say anything stupid I throw myself into his arms and sob happily into his shirt, holding him for all I'm worth. "Oh... oh Taichi... oh god... I can't believe... Oh thank you, th-thank you... You... you don't know h-how much this... this means to me.... I love you... I love you Taichi... thank you..." 

_~Present Time~_

Thinking back to that wonderful day I hadn't even realized I had closed my eyes until I heard a small "eep" and then Takeru shaking me, "Matt! You're not asleep are you? Did you take those pills?" 

"Fuck the pills," I grumble, opening my eyes to see my brother kneeling beside me, looking very worried. Sitting up I habitually run my hand through my hair to calm myself and notice that the movie has finally come to an end. I hate taking those pills to sleep, I've come to despise medication very much, even if it does keep away my nightmares. It's so hard relying on one little white pill to keep me sane while I sleep. 

Takeru stands up and looks at the ground uncomfortably before raising his concerned eyes to meet mine, "Hey oniichan? I'm sorry..." 

Taken aback, I just stare at him for a few moments, trying to figure him out. "About what?" I finally ask. 

"About... about... I don't really know... just everything I suppose," If anything, he looks ashamed. Then I feel my eyes widen in greater shock as I see some crystal tears start to form in his eyes as he blinks, trying to hide them. "I... I just don't like to see... to see you hurt... and... and I-I'm scared that... that you... you're..." Before he can get anymore out of his trembling mouth I grab my younger brother into my arms, holding him in my lap as I bury my face into his soft hair. I can feel him shaking in my grip as he hugs me tight. 

"No... no Take-chan... no, I'm going to be okay... don't worry about me... please. I'm sorry... I didn't mean to upset you. I'm not going to leave, honest..." I keep mumbling soothing words into his hair as I rock my brother in my arms. I can't believe this, all this time I was so worried about myself and Taichi that I had forgotten how this all might be affecting Takeru. I hadn't meant to hurt him, I just never thought about it like this. Especially after what happened at that soccer game we had, when Taichi told me how worried my brother had looked while I was freaking out. I just hadn't realized how worried he was. 

It took more than a few minutes for both of us to calm down, but once we did the only thing I did was grab a pill from the bottle on the table beside us and pop that in my mouth with a swallow of water before we settled down on the couch. We just silently watched a late night cartoon while seeking comfort in each other's company. It wasn't long before I slipped off into another dreamless sleep, still holding my dozing brother, already feeling as safe as I did with Taichi. 

"'Love you, 'niichan" Takeru's soft whisper reached my ears, but I fell asleep before I could answer back. 

~~~~~~ 

The first thing I woke up to was a pair of wide cinnamon-brown eyes inches from my own. "Shit!" I jumped back, falling over the arm rest of the couch and landing on the floor with a thump. Groaning, I sat back up, rubbing my head where I had hit it on something and glared at the goggled headed boy who was laughing his head off back on the couch. 

"Keru-chan! Matty-poo is awake!" The irrepressible Motomiya called out, still giggling from his perch on the arm rest. Daisuke Motomiya... my brother's boyfriend, and as much as I like him, he can be just so damned annoying sometimes. 

Ready to strangle him, I leapt to my feet with a growl, "Don't you EVER call me that and don't you EVER wake me up with your ugly face in mine again, is that clear?!" Yeah, so I'm definitely not a morning person. With that I shoved him from the arm rest onto the floor and flopped back down onto the couch, glaring angrily at nothing in particular with my arms crossed over my chest. 

"Dai-chan! I hope you're not bothering my brother!" Takeru's stern voice floated through the kitchen door along with the smell of breakfast. 

"Oow," Daisuke sat up wincing and rubbing his back, but when he saw my glare the grin was right back on his face, "Of course not Keru-chan, he's just excited to see me!" Was his reply yell as he stood up and brushed himself off. Then he turned back to me, keeping his friendly Tai-like grin wide, "So Matt, shall we eat?" 

With a sigh and a shrug I shook my head in answer, "Nah... not hungry. You guys go ahead." I really wasn't feeling hungry at all, actually I haven't been hungry for quite awhile now. It seems to me the last time I ate was two days ago. I had managed to skip out on dinner yesterday by telling my brother I had already eaten before I came over, which of course I hadn't eaten a bite all day. Deep down I knew that this was a bad thing, but my mind's argument was that food wasn't going to fill the emptiness inside of me anyway, so what was the point? 

Takeru walked into the room right then with a plate piled high with toast and jam (his specialty) and another with waffles in the other hand. "Here ya are guys. Eat up!" He sat them down on the table, and Daisuke jumped right up and started inhaling a piece of toast, at least that's what it seemed like. "Uh, Matt? You going to eat or what?" I just stayed in my sprawled position on the couch and didn't even glance at my brother. Kinda rude, I know, but I just wasn't in a very good mood this morning. Might have something to do with the knowledge that my life, what's left of it, is going down the drain. 

"He's... not... hungry." Daisuke helpfully informed us between a bites of his waffle that he now had, bits of it flying out over the table, which did little to help my appetite. 

"Oh really...?" A blond eyebrow rose questioningly in my direction waiting for a better excuse than that, or a reason behind it. Without answering, not about to get into an argument this early in the day, I just shrug and turn away, then wince as a sharp pain shoots through my head. Damn it, not another headache already, this was going to be one hell of a day with the way it was already starting. I've been getting these terrible migraines almost everyday, except for the last three days I've been lucky. I thought maybe I was finally over them. Guess not. "Matt? You okay?" 

Through bleared eyes I see my brother's worried frown and try to give him a reassuring smile, but then the next lance of pain tears through my head and I end up groaning instead. Now I have Takeru really worried, and even Daisuke has stopped his frantic stuffing to send a concerned glance my way. Takeru is making his way over to me but I jump up and run to the bathroom. There's no way I'm going to take their sympathy and pity, I can get through this just fine without them crowding me. Takeru's yell follows me as I slam the door shut and lock it before collapsing on the floor holding my head. It's starting to feel like a vice is squeezing it, trying to crush my skull. The pain is becoming unbearable. As I grind my teeth against a painful scream, I can feel the tears sliding out of my eyes. Damn this hurts, why does this keep happening to me? All I want is to forget the past completely, but it won't leave me alone! Oh man... I can't stand pain... make it go away, please! I miss Taichi, I want him here to comfort me, I need him. Not my brother, or his boyfriend... just Taichi, he can always take away the pain. 

I'm curled up on the floor now, just trying to sink into the cold tiles forever as I try not to cry out at the agony in my head. Through my pain filled mind I can hear my brother yelling for me to open the door but I can't move now, it'll just make it worse. Damn, damn, damn! I've got to get over this fast, it's hurting my brother as well. Can't think... oh God it hurts... 

I don't know how long I huddled there before I felt my brother's arms around me. I didn't open my eyes, the light always makes my headaches worse, but I'm guessing they picked the lock. My mouth tastes like blood from biting my tongue so hard to keep from screaming and worrying everybody even more, but once I felt Takeru's hug I couldn't keep from sobbing, "Tai-Taichi... I-I want Taichi..." The words just tore from my throat before I could think, realizing afterwards how bad that sounded when my own brother was the one trying to comfort me. But it's so hard to think around the pain. 

"Shh, I know, it's okay 'niichan, Tai will be here before you know it..." Takeru's soft soothing voice kept whispering in my ear, and slowly the pain started to reside and my sobs cease with it. After what felt like an eternity, my head was left with just a dull ache. As my head cleared I tried to stand up, only to find my muscles wouldn't respond, probably too weak from not eating properly. "Dai-chan, come help me move him back to the couch. It's too cold here and I don't want him getting sick on top of everything else," I felt another arm slip around me, my eyes still shut against the lights as they helped me into the living room, carefully setting me down on the couch again. I'm such a weak baby, I hate other's seeing me like this, I'm completely pathetic. 

"You want something to eat now Matt?" I shook my head slowly, now that my appetite was 100 percent gone. I heard a sigh and opened my eyes halfway to find both boys kneeling in front of me, concern written all over their faces. When I didn't say anything still, Takeru sighed again, "Well... you tired? or... or do you want to watch tv or something? Or what?" 

"Tv" I mumble, avoiding their stares, feeling very uncomfortable. And I certainly didn't want to take any more pills now. Daisuke nodded and quickly turned on the television set, handing me the remote, then they both stood up and sat down on either side of me. I guess they're just trying to be of comfort to me, and I don't mind that much. But still embarrassed over my display back there I decide to ignore them and started to flip through the channels. Hmm, not much on today... infomercial... Barney... soap opera... aliens... ah, the news. Setting down the remote, I lay back against the cushions and start to watch a reporter describe a robbery of over 5 million at some huge corporation. Half listening to the report, I stared down dreamily at my beautiful ring, thinking of Taichi, and didn't notice the change of stories until I heard a familiar name. Confused, I look back up at the tv and listen in growing horror at the report from some news lady. A ball of ice started growing in my stomach, and I think I'm hyperventilating, but it's hard to tell with the room tilting like this...   


> 'Yesterday a high school student was released from juvenile on probation with the help of his lawyer who managed to argue well in his defence. The student was arrested barely a month ago for gang rape and beating of a fellow student...' 

  
Suddenly the tv went blank, but I hardly noticed as I stared uncomprehendingly at it, feeling the terror filling up inside of me. Faintly I was aware of urgent voices in my ears and someone shaking me, but I couldn't understand, couldn't react. This seemed so unreal, like that nightmare coming back. They couldn't mean... they just couldn't be talking about ... about him... and... and me! They just couldn't be... Oh please no, please... I don't want him to be free... free to come after me again! Suddenly the room spun around crazily and then the terrified fear overwhelmed me and my world went black. 

~***~ 

Tai's POV:

It's very late at night, or maybe it's really early in the morning, as the big old grandfather clock in the hallway gives out one bong then the house fills with silence once more. Stiffening for what seemed the hundredth time that night, I quietly listen for any movement from the rooms above me, trying to figure out if anybody woke up from the noise. I really hate that clock, it makes me jump everytime it chimes at every hour and half hour. Relaxing as the house remains silent, I turn back to the program I've been watching on television. We're staying in our grandparents' old house for now as my grandfather has been staying at the hospital with my sick and dying grandmother. It's not a bad place, the house that is, it's just old and seems about to collapse on our heads at any moment. At least it has cable and telephones, so my grandparents aren't all that primitive, allowing me to keep in touch with the outside world. 

So what am I doing up this late at night watching tv and trying not to get caught? Man, I'd be in MAJOR trouble if my parents found out, especially if they saw just what I was watching. Right in front of my now not so innocent wide eyes, one muscular black haired dude is seeming to be trying to swallow another dude's dick whole. Both of them are slick with sweat and drool, moaning and groaning as the one guy seems about to climax. That's right, I'm watching gay porn. And right now I'm not sure whether I want to hurl at how these guys are going at it like animals or if I want to be doing the same thing to MY boyfriend. Actually, that's kinda the whole reason I'm watching this in the first place, for the experience. I've never had sex before, no matter what everyone thinks, so I have to learn somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Now staring at the bright screen in morbid fascination, I can't help but imagine my Yama in some of those positions... Alright, I'm sick, I know, but how can any hormone frenzied teenager NOT think about stuff like this... it's just... Yama... he's so beautiful, I mean absolutely, wonderfully beautiful. He's the only one I ever want, and I want him so bad, I want him to be mine forever, I want us to be together for all eternity and all that jazz. And of course to my young virgin mind, that means sex to help seal the deal. 

You see, I have this one big problem that will probably never leave me, I tend to block things I don't want to see or think about out of my mind. And right now while I'm watching these two guys fuck each other silly, I'm blocking out the idea that Yamato might never want to have sex with anyone ever again. He's just too torn up over what happened to him, and I don't blame him, but I'm definently not happy about it. I don't know if he'll ever get over it. But I truly love him, and will always stick by his side, no matter what he does or doesn't want. I'll live, I just want what's best for him. My mind is at the moment automatically locking most of this stuff out so I don't have to worry about my future and can just live happily in my momentary daydream. Ah well, one of these days I'll take the time to think everything through. 

It's been just about three days since I left my Angel, and I haven't stopped thinking about him for a minute. I especially can't get over the expression on his face in the park, before we parted, when I gave him that ring. It was a special ring, and it had taken me practically forever to find the perfect one... the lady who sold it to me said it was a promise ring, I give it to the one I love and promise them something special. I picked out the blue one because it reminded me of Yamato's crystal blue eyes, and I had hoped he would like it and know what it would mean. And what a reaction I got! It was more than I had hoped for, but the look on his face told me I did what was probably the best thing I ever could have done. His pale face brightened with happiness and his eyes glowed with love and tears, and before I knew it he was hugging and sobbing into me, telling me how much it meant to him and how much he loved me. It meant much to me as well. I can't wait to see him again... I think I'll phone him tomorrow, just to hear his sweet melodious voice again. Heh, I know this late night hentai is really starting to get to me when I get all poetic and mushy! 

The clock lets out another bong, telling me it's 1:30am, and I'm thinking bed time as well. My poor brain has taken in enough sick dirt to last me a life time. With a huge yawn, I flick off the television set and stretch. This has been a long day, and I'm exhausted, not to mention my now rotted mind. In a slow shuffle, I make my way to the room I'm sharing with my sister (I never get my own room!). There is only one bed in there so I had chosen the floor out of brotherly love for my sister. As I crawled through the darkness in search of my sleeping bag, I can hear my younger sister's steady breaths, telling me that she is fast asleep. Which is good, as I wouldn't want to lie to her about what I was doing up so late. Finally I found what I was feeling for and quickly crawled into the warmth of my thick sleeping bag, these old houses were sure chilly at night. Soon I was comfortable and let myself slowly drift off to sleep. 

I was woken up what seemed like only minutes later by a loud ringing, and when I checked the glowing clock on the bedside table I found out it _was_ only minutes later as it now showed 1:42 in big red numbers. Confused, I fumbled around for my shirt and quickly slipped it on as I sleepily stood up out of the warmth. The ringing wasn't stopping and I could hear the floor boards creaking above me as one of my parents went for the phone. Who the hell would be stupid enough to call this late at night? Oh no... I hope my grandmother hasn't passed away while we were sleeping. Through the ceiling a muffled voice was heard, and then my name was gruffly yelled through it, telling me to pick up the phone. Kari was now sitting up in bed, sleepily rubbing her eyes and staring around in confusion like me. 

Who would be phoning for me? Curious I step out of the bedroom to the kitchen where the other phone hung on the wall and picked it up. "Hello?" My voice came out all cracked and weird with sleep, so I cleared my throat and tried again, "Hello? Taichi here." 

A small and almost scared sounding voice reached my ears, but my tired mind wasn't letting me in on who it was, "Tai? I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you guys, but this is really important... Tai? You there?" 

My eyes snapped back open as I realized they were drooping shut and found out that I was still on the phone, "Hai? Who is this?" 

"It's me, Takeru, Tai I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" His voice started to get hysterical. 

"Woah, calm down... what are you sorry for?" Takeru, phoning me this late at night, sounding like he just committed murder could only add up to one thing... Yamato... oh god. Suddenly I was wide awake, "Takeru! What happened? Tell me!" 

"It's... it's Yamato, he's..." 

"Yama!? What's wrong with him? Is he hurt? What-" 

"TAI! Shut up for a moment, he's not hurt... as far as I can tell anyway." Quickly I take a deep breath, trying to slow down my racing heart. From what Takeru had sounded like, I had thought Yamato had died or something. "It's just... well, Matt is sort of freaking out right now..." 

"Freaking out? Over what? What's going on?" Something must have scared Yama bad. Oh man, I'm so sorry for leaving him, even if I did have no choice. I knew something bad was going to happen if I left. 

"Okay... I know you're really not going to like to hear this, but we were watching tv and the news came on... and, Tai..." 

"What?! What about the news?" The kid was really trying my patience, especially as a flood of fear and guilt was trying to break over me. 

But then the next two cold words reached my ears, letting that flood break, "Seb's free." Oh shit no, this can't be good. No wonder Yamato is having a fit! Seb... oh my god, that bastard! How could they let him out of jail after what he did? This is bad... no this is worse than bad! Yamato can barely get through life with Seb locked up, how's he going to now that he's free? Fuck... "Alright, I'm coming home as soon as I can... try to get him calmed down or something in the meantime." I'll go home and make sure Yamato doesn't hurt himself, and I don't care what my father says. I need to make sure my Angel is okay, I need to help him... he needs me. I've said this before, and I'll say it again... this is all my fault. I always leave him to get hurt... 

~***~   
Matt's POV: 

"Oniichan? Snap out of it, please!"   
I can hear the voice, my brother's voice, but I can't understand it. It's all a mixed blur of jumbled sounds that barely penetrate the roar in my head. His face is in front of my wide eyes, but I can't see him, can't focus, the whole world is spinning in a blur of colors and light. No... no leave me alone 'toutochan... go away. I feel like... like I'm dead. I can't feel my body, it's like I'm floating above it watching my rocking form and my brother crying for me to listen to him. It's like a dream... and I don't want to wake up. If I do then he might get me. I don't want to go through it again... the pain, it's too much. Can't wake up, can't let him hurt me again. God help me... 

A knock at the door... I wonder how long I've been like this. It seems like hours, like seconds, like years. All I can do is sit here and try not to think about anything that matters. I won't let him hurt me, I won't feel the pain anymore. Another person has entered the room, I think. I can hear a different voice blending in with my brother's, one that sounds familiar. No... can't think, can't wake up. Faintly I can hear the two people talking beside me, both sounding tired and worried. I wish I knew why. I hope I'm not hurting anybody, I just don't want to feel the pain again. 

'How long has he been like this?'   
'Since early this morning, he... he just woke up and now won't speak or anything'   
'Damn it... Yamato, can you hear me? It's Taichi.'   
Taichi? Is that who it is? I'm glad he's here, if it isn't just part of my wishful imagination. Maybe I should wake up now and... No! wait, I can't, not while he's still out there. Got to stay here, safe, don't want to hurt...   
'Please Yama-chan... please talk to me, I'm here and I won't let anyone hurt you.'   
No... no... no... no... don't you see? I can't talk, he might find me. You can't be here for ever.   
'I've tried everything, he just won't respond!' Takeru's voice sounds terrible, he should go to sleep.   
'Not everything. I... Angel please, I don't want to have to do this...'   
Do what Taichi? Please, just leave me alone.   
'Fine, if that's the way you're going to be. Just don't say I didn't give you a chance, this is for your own good. Now WAKE UP!" His yell was followed by a large stinging sensation on my right cheek. Pain! No...That did it. Swiftly I was pulled back into my mind and quickly held up a hand to my cheek feeling it's sting. He... he slapped me! Taichi, the one I love, hit me! I don't believe it.... why? Why would he do such a thing? He knows I hate pain, I thought he'd said he would never hurt me again. 

"Yama-chan! You back with us now Angel?" I felt stupid as I could only stare at the one person I had trusted most in the world. He hit me... 

I could see the worry, fear and partial confusion in Taichi's large chocolate eyes as he stared back, searching my face for something. Then he reached over to place a hand on me and before I knew it I was flinching away feeling my eyes start to fill with tears while I shook my head in denial. Taichi's face filled with hurt and understanding, "Yama-chan, I'm sorry. But I had to, you were in shock or something and that's what I was supposed to do to get you out of it. I honestly meant nothing by it, I love you." I could see the sincerity in his eyes as they stared fearfully into mine. I wanted to just feel his arms around me right then, but... 

"You... hit... me," My voice was full of shock and betrayal, I couldn't help it. It hurt. 

Taichi winced and looked away guiltily, "I... I know Yama-chan, but I _had_ to, don't you understand? I was scared, you weren't responding to anything, it was the only way. Please understand," His eyes turned back to mine full of pleading and... was it fear? Fear that I would leave him? 

Before any more doubts about his love could get to me I fell against him, unable to stop the sobs that shook my whole body. I felt his arms wrap around me and I realized how much I had missed his comforting embrace in only the few days he had been gone. "Shh, it's okay Angel, I won't let you go." His whisper tickled my ear as he rubbed slow circles on my back. I love Taichi so... so much. He's right, he had to slap me out of my stupor, he hadn't really meant to hurt me. 

For a moment I almost relaxed in his arms, but then the reason for my break down in the first place came rushing back to me until I was shaking so bad I thought I would go into a seizure, "He... h-he's... b-b-back... T-Taichi" 

"I know, I know Angel. But I'm here now, and nobody will hurt my Yama-chan ever again while I can help it. You're safe, he can't hurt you here... I promise." The arms tightened around me as he whispered soothing words to me. I wish I could believe, but it's so hard to after all that had happened. I trust Taichi, and I know he'll do his best to protect me, but it's so hard not to be afraid that I'll get caught alone one day without him around. 

I'm so scared, so scared of getting hurt again. I don't even know why the fear is so strong, it doesn't really make any sense, but it's there all the same. So afraid of pain... but just being here with Taichi holding me I can't help but feel a little safer. In fact the fear almost vanishes whenever he's touching me, or even near me. Sniffing, I finally stopped the flood of tears as I look up into that beautiful face I love so much, "Arigatou Taichi, aishiteru." His eyes light up again at my words, making me crack a tiny smile for him. 

Taichi gives me his famous grin and hugs me again tightly, "Aishiteru Yama-chan, my Angel." 

A sudden thought strikes me, "Taichi? Why and how are you here anyway? Did you guys get back early or something?" 

The brown haired boy grinned sheepishly, "Actually I kind of ran out and took the bus here when my dad wouldn't drive me. He thought my grandmother is more important then my poor Angel. And as to why... well Takeru phoned me in the middle of the night telling me you were freaking out and I needed to get over here right away." 

I couldn't help but stare at him in amazement, "You... you did that for me? You're dad's going to be very mad with you, you know." 

"I don't care what he thinks, I had to come. And of course I did that for you, I promised you I would never leave you forever and I'll always be here when you need me." I couldn't believe how quickly Taichi can always calm me down when I think the world has come to an end. It's a miracle I had ever lived without him before. "I'm so sorry I left you in the first place. If I hadn't, I could have..." And I can't believe how fast he can screw up everything. 

Slowly I push away as he trails off and I wonder what my expression looks like as I glare through hooded eyes at him. So Taichi is still feeling guilty, he always thinks everything that happens is his fault. I can't stand it when he does that, blames himself for something he has no control over. He knows I hate it, and I've told him before how I hate it. "You could have what, Taichi?" My voice comes out low, almost angry. I'm not really mad at him, I know he can't help it, but lately my fears have not been helping my mood swings at all. I don't want him feeling guilty over me, it'll just complicate our relationship even more. 

"Yama-chan..." He's avoiding eye contact again, running his fingers through my hair in a way that makes me just want to melt into him. 

"You could have what?" I don't melt, I'm a stupid baka with too much stubborness in me to let something go that easily. 

"I... I could have... uh..." Taichi stops, then sighs and rests his head against my shoulder, "I don't know..." he finishes lamely. 

Suddenly I feel very drained and very bad for making Taichi feel bad, I just want to go to sleep and hope to wake up feeling all of my fears and problems disappear and to only wake up with Taichi by my side forever, "Exactly..." I whisper in a tired voice, leaning once again into his chest, which was still soaked from my previous break down. I'm such a wreck, why am I even still alive? You'd think that with the way all these problems have plagued me relentlessly I would have gone nuts by now and just ended it all. And maybe I would have, that darkness would have swallowed me long ago, except I can't leave. I couldn't hurt Taichi like that. I'm just so sick and tired of everything that causes me to act like this. And now that _he's_ out, I'm going to be a complete nervous wreck. How will Taichi be able to stand being around me? I have to try to get this under control before I either do something stupid or lose my Taichi. 

"Come on, you're exhausted. We'll sort out everything in the morning. I'll stay here with you tonight, okay?" Taichi stood up as I nodded, pulling me to my feet. I finally lifted my eyes and stared around the bright room. Takeru wasn't in sight, he must have retreated to his room awhile ago once he saw that Taichi had things under control. He's probably peeved off at having to stay up almost the whole night looking after me, well I didn't ask him to babysit me! Gah... stop it Yamato, you're doing it again. I shook my head vigorously to wipe out any nasty thoughts. Taichi noticed my movement, "What?" 

I shook my head again and muttered, "Nothing." Taichi watched me for a second, before shrugging and leading me to the bedroom I was staying in while I was here, his arm holding me up literally. Once in the room Taichi quickly pulled off my shirt and his own, then handed me my pills from the table. I hate them so much, but I know I have to take them or hurt Taichi even more. Quickly I swallow one with a grimace and a gulp of water then collapse into bed. Taichi crawls in after me. My back is to him but almost right away his arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me back into him. It feels so good to go to sleep like this, feeling his warmth against my chilled skin. I sigh almost happily and cuddle deeper into him as my eyes close. 

"Good night my Angel, I love you." Actually I think it's well past morning now as I had spotted sunlight coming in through the blinds, but that hardly registers in my tired brain. 

"'night Taichi, 'love you too, " Were my last mumbled words as I slipped once again into a blissful sleep, pushing all thoughts of my fears away for a few hours. Taichi's here now, I'm not alone, he'll keep me safe from my nightmares. I don't even want to think about the rest of my life yet... 

~~~~~~ 

**(A/N)** Ahem... uh, yes, I know they probably wouldn't let someone off that easily for such a crime, but it's fiction ya know? Anyway, if you have any good ideas for the next part PLEASE tell me, I really don't know how to go on!!!! 


	5. revealments

HoldingOn5.html (A/N) Wow, I got this one typed up faster than I normally do, thanks to all those good ideas sent to me (thanks ^_^). Anyway, not much big happens in this chapter, but now I have ideas for the upcoming parts, so I hope it turns out well.   
Oh, an extra warning besides the obvious Taito is there are some limish scenes in this, but nothing out of hand.   
Anyway, can't think of anything else to say, so on with the fic...!   
_Disclaimer:_ Guess what?... that's right! I *don't* own these characters from digimon! Surprised? 

**Holding On: Part 5**   


In everyone's life there comes a point where they have to make an important decision, and when it all comes down to it, that decision is the choice between life or death. Will you live for another day or will you give up and die? This dilemma is now waiting for me to choose my path, but how will I know which is the correct way to go? I choose... not to die, for death will not solve my problems or anyone else's. But I do not quite choose life yet either. With life comes mistakes, cruelty and pain. I do not choose death and I do not choose life. I will remain between until one or the other is forced upon me. That is my decision. 

~*~ 

Tai's POV

Ten minutes. Ten minutes before I get out of this boring as hell English class. Another ten minutes to pack up and run over to his house. Yama-chan... so much more interesting to daydream about my angel than to pay attention to whatever lesson the teacher is trying to make us learn today. English has never been my strong point, and never will be. Better to dream... those icy blue eyes that suck at my very soul, so deep and emotional, like drowning in the deepest ocean. His golden halo of hair, soft to the touch, I can run my fingers through it for hours. Everything about my Yama is perfect, from his delicate pale skin to his soft, moist lips to his long slender fingers, so graceful and gentle. I can picture him at this very moment, and hear his light, smooth voice calling my name... 

"Taichi..." So beautiful, with a musical quality added to it. 

"Taichi!..." Wait a minute, since when did his voice sound like... "YAGAMI TAICHI!" ...Like my teacher. 

"Ah! Oh... um... yes Sensei?" My attention is snapped back to the present as giggles run through the room. Once again I am caught daydreaming, and if I were anybody else but me I would probably be very humiliated, but since I am me, well... I'm used to it, happens all the time. 

The crabby, old lady glared at me through her tiny narrow glasses that were perched at the end of her nose. I swear she hates me more than anyone I know, she's the reason I've broken the school's record for detentions, for which, by the way, I'm very proud of. "Yagami, I've told you over and over to pay attention in class. You're turning into a grade 'A' moron with this attitude of yours. Did you not hear the announcement? You've been called down to the office young man, now hustle your bustle and get a move on. Don't try my patience today!" What a bitch. She's the only person I know who still uses that strange phrase, 'hustle your bustle' and the only teacher I know that would call one of her students a moron! 

"Uh... gomen Sensei, I must have missed that. I'll be going now..." Why would the office call me down? I swear I haven't done anything *that* bad lately! Secretly jumping for joy at being able to escape from this hell hole, I quickly gather up my books and walk out of the classroom as the teacher starts back on with her lecture. 

At the office desk the secretary, a very nice lady whom I've gotten to know really well over the years of being sent here, directed me straight to the principle's room. When I got in there, kind of nervous as to what exactly I had done, the principle pointed to a chair across from him. He didn't look angry, that had to be a good sign, right? "Ah, Yagami, I needed to talk to you about one of your friends that supposedly still goes to this school, Ishida Yamato I do believe." He was always one to get right to the point. 

Relieved that I wasn't in any trouble, but still curious and nervous as to why he wanted to talk about Yamato, I hesitantly ask, "Yeah, I know him. What about Yam- Matt?" I have to remember not to use his nickname in public yet, to most people we're just friends. Don't need to make things any more complicated than they already are. 

The principle shuffled through some papers, "Hmm, yes... well then, you most likely know about the fact that he has been missing a large portion of his education?" I nodded dubiously, wondering what was going on. Yes, Yamato has missed an awful lot of school lately, actually it's more like over a month of it. But I thought he had it all talked to them about it. "Good. Then you must understand how far he is falling behind. Ishida's grades were not good to begin with, and now it is getting almost too late to catch up in time." 

"Yeah..." I said slowly, trying to figure this out as we went along, "He told me there was an understanding or something that you guys worked out about his absence. You know, with the situation and all..." 

"Did he now? Well, if he worked something out, he has not shared it with me. I do not believe that anything was worked out, and he has still missed too many classes to catch up. I know very well his situation, but it has been over two months. I have heard that he is healed fine, and if he wanted he could have chosen to do schooling at his home if he had a problem with coming to the school." He raised an eyebrow at me as all I could do was stare in shock. Yama, my Yama, was lying to me? He told me, I remember very clearly his exact quote, 'Don't worry Taichi, everything's worked out with the school,' Why the hell would he lie about that? To *me*? 

Finally I shook my head as I realized I was still in the office, and found my voice, "Uhm, oka~ay... what are you telling me this for?" 

"Well since you are a very close friend of his, and I heard you've been helping him out, I thought maybe you should talk to him about this. He needs to start doing his work and studying as soon as possible to make up his lost time. And it's too late for him to do it at home as well, as we could not keep track at the speed he is progressing there not to mention no teacher help. He needs to start coming to school." 

"And if he doesn't?" 

"If he doesn't, Ishida would have to repeat this grade over. Simple as that, but hard for him for his future." 

"Fine. I'll talk to him." Oh I was going to talk to him alright. I can't believe this. I already knew he was afraid of coming back to school, but he didn't have to lie to me about it! And I swear I am going to get him back here on monday even if I had to literally drag his ass down here. Good thing today is Friday, I'm going to need the whole weekend to convince him. With a quick bow to the principle, I got out of there as fast as I could. The bell had already gone a few minutes ago and the hallways were almost empty as I made my way to my locker. I quickly put in the combination to the lock and swung the metal door open, shoved in my books, pulled out a few I would need for homework, and slammed it shut again. By the time I was out of the school doors, I was fuming with anger and disappointment. Damnit Yama, I thought you trusted me by now. 

~*~ 

Matt's POV

The afternoon sun shone through the open window with a breeze that ruffled the pages of the book I was reading. It was a beautiful day out, and I was enjoying it through a window as well as I could, unwilling to go outside without Taichi around. All in all, I was in a very good mood today. No headaches, no pills (until I go to bed that is), and a very relaxing day. The best thing was that Taichi would be here any minute now. He was staying over here until Sunday when his parents got home from their visit. From what I heard, Taichi's father is not very happy at all with the way his son just left like that when his grandmother was most likely dying. As a punishment for now, until they get back and can think of a worse one, Taichi has to go to school which he would have gotten to miss out if he had stayed with his parents. I didn't mind that though, the rest of the time Taichi was with me. For the past week we've been ordering out for food, and cuddling on the couch all night in front of the television, watching some action movie or something. I love the way my wonderful koi holds me in his arms every night, the way he rakes his gentle fingers through my hair and sends little butterfly kisses down my neck. Taichi can be the most romantic guy when he wants to be. 

The door to the apartment slams shut and I quickly place the bookmark in my novel and sit up in the couch from where I had been lying all day. It's strange how I can stay there for hours on end now and feel no need to move. No will to do anything. It almost scares me. I peek over the back of the couch to see Taichi's back as he takes off his shoes and turns around to face me. The smile I had ready for him disappears as I see his face, "Something wrong Taichi?" He looks almost angry. 

Taichi's chocolate-brown eyes, now hardened with some strong emotion, glare into my own, "Yes there's something wrong! You!" 

"Me?" I repeat weakly. Why is he mad at me? My heart tightens in sudden fear, he's not having doubts... is he? Why is he mad? What did I do? Shit... 

"Yes you! You lied to me! You fucking lied about school, you don't trust me! I should say there's something wrong!" Taichi throws his pack down and storms closer, shaking with anger. 

Oh no... this is bad. I don't remember lying... he's mad at me. He doesn't think I trust him. Oh Taichi, I trust you, I do, I trust you... don't be mad. What did I do? I haven't lied to you... please don't be mad. All that comes out of my tightened jaw is a small whimper, I've never seen him in such a rage since he tried to kill Seb for me. Does this mean he hates me now? Oh God... no, he can't hate me, what did I do? I trust him! What did I do? 

"How could you... Yamato? Yama, you alright?" His voice has suddenly changed to concern, why? He's mad at me, I did something wrong. He's going to leave me again... What... oh man, why do I feel so dizzy? My chest is so tight, and the room is starting to spin. I can faintly feel a pair of hands grab my shoulders, "Holy shit, Yamato! What the hell?! You're not breathing! Calm down! Take a breath, come on!" Oh.. so that's what's wrong with me. I can't breath... I can't *breath* Ow, my lungs are burning, but they just won't work. Something's wrong with my vision... 

"YAMA-CHAN! Snap out of it man!" And just like that the oxygen rushes into my lungs again. Spots dance before my eyes as I gasp for more air, and my whole body feels weak, limp. What happened? Even I don't know. He's still hanging on to me as if his life depends on it, or mine, "Yama-chan, are you okay? Oh man, I'm so sorry..." 

"Let go of me!" Did I just say that? I didn't mean to... Or maybe I did. I don't know, I just feel very confused right now. 

Taichi let go slowly, his eyes reflecting hurt and disappointment. He leans back slightly, "Yama... I... you..." He seemed just as confused as me. 

My voice comes out choked, like I'm trying not to cry, "I didn't lie... I didn't... I trust you Taichi... I do... please believe me." He avoids my gaze. "You... you *don't* believe me?" I feel sick... what did I do? Why won't he look at me? 

"I don't... know. I'm sure you said... something about having it all worked out with the school about your situation. But the principle talked to me... he says you haven't told him a thing. Sounds like a lie to me." Taichi mutters, fidgeting with his hands. 

I told him... oh. School. Suddenly I felt like laughing, hysterically that is, "I... I did have it all worked out Taichi. I didn't lie..." 

His large eyes blink at me in surprise, "But... he said..." 

My body almost relaxed finally. I can't believe how worked up I got over this! If I had just asked in the first place instead of just assuming the worse... "I never said it was worked out to the school's satisfaction. I worked out that I wasn't going back to school and they could just kiss my ass goodbye." 

Taichi just stares at me for a few long moments, then his face finally breaks out into his humorous grin that I love so much, "You worked that out huh? And I thought... oh man, this is too funny," And just as suddenly the grin disappears, replaced with a guilty frown, "Gomen nasai, Yama-chan. I shouldn't have accused you like that, I'm really sorry. I just thought... well there's no excuse, I should have kept my temper in check and asked you about it first. Can you forgive me?" Taichi looked into my eyes with that puppy dog expression that makes me melt everytime. How can I not forgive him? 

"I love you Taichi, of course I forgive you. You just really had me scared there, you know? I thought you... you were going to... to..." I sigh and look away, unwilling to say it out loud lest I jinx our relationship. What started out as a wonderful day has gone down hill so fast I can barely remember what was so good about it. I can feel Taichi's sorrowful gaze on me, but I don't feel like talking anymore. My eyes fall on the book beside me and I snatch it up, flipping to the marked page. 

"Angel... I promised you, remember. I'd never leave you for something so silly." I feel his body move closer to mine and he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him. Doesn't he know how easily promises can be broken? I give him a slight nod and try to focus on the words in front of me which seem to be blurring for some odd reason. "Yama-chan, don't do this now, please? I said I was sorry and I'm not going to leave you." 

I keep staring at the book, unable to make sense of the words, and answer emotionlessly so that he can't hear my tension, "Do what?" 

Taichi sighs and shifts, then promptly grabs the book from my hands and throws it onto the table. I don't care, it wasn't like I was really reading it anyway. "Doing this! Ignoring me and the rest of the world. You do it every time you don't want to talk about something, but it's just hurting you more to keep it in. Talk to me, Angel... please!" 

"About what?" I've always been very stubborn, and this is no exception. If I don't feel like talking, then I'm not going to, and that's all there is to it. Taichi doesn't need to hear any more of my problems, it just makes him worry more than he should. 

"About..." He pauses as he shifts his hold once more, then continues on the one subject I despise, "School. Yes, we're going to talk about you going to school on Monday. You have the principal worried about your future with the way you keep missing classes. And I'll bet money on the fact that your dad has no idea how you're skipping out on school, right?" 

With a tired sigh, I try to explain to him, "Look Taichi, I really don't need this. I've been through too much, and just want to..." 

"Give up? Let the public scare you for the rest of your life? You can't keep hiding Yama, if you want to feel better and get over some of your phobias you have to get out there and face the world instead of cowering here in your hole." Taichi cut me off, sounding just as stubborn and frustrated as me. 

Hiding? Cowering? What the hell does he know? I shove away to tell Taichi just that, he has no right to be judging what I do with my life. If I want to hide from everyone, then I can and will. He has no idea how hard it is for me to face strangers, *he* wasn't the one who was beaten and raped. 

Kneeling at the opposite end of the couch from Taichi, I give him my icyest glare, the one that always makes him nervous from what he's told me, and prepare to give him a piece of my mind. Then I get a look at his face which is set as hard as mine and all that comes out of my mouth is, "Fuck you!" And not wanting to see his reaction I jump up and run into my room, slamming the door shut with a bang. I only take the time to lock it before I fall down on my butt in the middle of the floor. What the hell is wrong with me? Did I just... did I just swear at my boyfriend? 

"Yama-chan?" Taichi's worried voice comes through the door, accompanied with a small knock. What am I supposed to say? I didn't mean to get that upset! I'm not even angry with Taichi at all, why was I acting so stupid? I quickly reach up to wipe some wetness off my cheek before I realize what I'm doing. Wait a minute... tears... damnit, now I'm crying. I'm such a baby, a fucking stubborn and heartless baby. "Yama-chan, let me in. Please?" Curling up in a fetal position on my moderately clean floor, I silently listen to Taichi's soft voice as tears slide out of my eyes. Why do I have to be so stubborn? I should just let him in and apologize. He was only trying to help me after all. I shouldn't have yelled, I shouldn't have been such a bastard. I can't believe I started a fight so soon after he got back. Stupid baka... Taichi... I'm sorry... I should make this up to him, I have to back down before I hurt us both. 

Wiping the last tears from my face I stand up and unlock the door which is immediately shoved open as Taichi stares at me for a moment with wide eyes before grabbing me into his arms. I obligingly rest my face in his shoulder as he squeezes the breath from my body, muttering from where his face was buried in my hair, "I thought... oh Yama-chan, you had me so worried. Don't ever do that again, okay? I'm sorry... I'm sorry... don't scare me like that... I love you, I only want what's best for you. I won't tell you what to do anymore, just don't run off like that." 

I listen patiently for him to finish with his guilt trip, and keep my face in his shirt even after he loosens his grip finally. Then it's my turn, "Ai shiteru Taichi. I shouldn't have done that, sorry. I'll go to school." I mumble into him without moving, but Taichi lifts me up easily and carries me back over to the couch so we can sit. 

"You sure?" I nod firmly and he sighs, sounding relieved. "Thank you Angel. And don't you worry, it'll be different than last time we tried this. I know what to expect this time and I'll be right with you the whole time, okay?" With another nod I allow myself to relax, cuddling into my koi's warm body further. His arms wrap around me, one hand rubbing a slow circle on my back, "Ai shiteru, Yama-chan." I feel a loving smile tug at my mouth, and I let out a small, happy sigh. Maybe everything will be okay now that Taichi knows what I'm afraid of. He won't let anything hurt me for as long as he's around. I'll try to be stronger, for him and myself. He's right, I can't hide from the world, I have to do something if I ever want to get over myself. 

Funny how I can be so exhausted from doing nothing all day. With that one last thought in my mind, I drift off into the darkness of my mind. 

~~~**~~~ 

Small white-capped waves lap at the shore of a sandy beach. There's no one in sight for miles either way, and the only sounds are the waves and a few seabirds flying overhead. Alone. Shivering, I wrap my arms around myself, looking down the beach into the distance. I can see tiny dark forms of people down there, but they're so far away, I can't even hear their laughter from here. I'm completely alone here, not to mention cold and afraid. What am I doing at the beach? I don't remember coming, I'm just here. Something makes me look the other way and when I do I feel the familiar rise of fear. A dark alleyway has appeared out of nowhere, it makes no sense for it to be here, but it is. It's chilled, stale air reaches my nostrils, making me feel nauseous. Then, a few feet into the dark alley, a dark figure moves, and a low chuckle reaches my ears. Oh no... I know this... this is bad... 

"Hey blondie..." His hoarse whisper mocks me as he takes a step closer. His features are hidden with shadow, but I know him. He's coming... he's coming to get me now that he's free. "Good to see ya again blondie. Come here will ya? Come to me blondie, you're mine now. You know that." No... no, I don't want to go to him. This isn't right, he's going to hurt me again. "Come on, don't keep me waiting. I'm very hungry." I can feel his evil grin directed at me. I don't want to feel the pain... please... But something seems to have taken control of my legs, they're moving me into the darkness, I'm not in control anymore. No... no... don't want to feel pain, help me... Another step closer, now he's laughing at me. A low, hollow laugh that chills me to the bones. He's going to hurt me... 

Nothing I can do... he's pulling me in. I can feel myself giving up the struggle, knowing the pain is inevitable. The darkness is about to swallow me whole, nothing... I can... do. 

"Yama-chan! Where're you going? I thought we were going to have a picnic. Stop fooling around," A pair of arms grab me from behind, instantly pulling me out of the dark alley, back onto the beach. Surprised at my sudden release from pain, I turn around to face a bright pair of chocolate-brown eyes. Taichi's cheerful grin gives way to a childish laugh as he tugs again at my arm, "Stop standing there Yama, we're going to have a wonderful day. Look, the sun is out!" And sure enough I look up to find the blue sky totally devoid of any sign of clouds. 

Warmth, I can feel it. I'm not alone here, he's come back, my Taichi is here again. All fear leaves my body as I let out a sudden laugh at his attempts to get me to the picnic blanket. "Race ya there!" I giggle, sprinting ahead. Taichi yells out behind me as he races after me, laughing as he tries to catch up. The wind, not so cold anymore, rushes through my hair, making me feel glad to be alive. Alive. Yes, I'm living, no pain. I slide onto the blanket, Taichi right beside me. Breathing hard, I stare into his eyes once again, then gasp as he pulls me into his arms. I feel his warm kisses against my neck, running up to my cheek. It feels so good... so good to be with my Taichi like this. His lips head back down to my bare chest, and I let out another gasp of pure pleasure when he catches a nipple in his mouth. 

"Taichi..."   
"mmm, yes Angel?"   
"Take me... take me now..." 

~~~**~~~ 

My eyes fly open as I try to sit up, only to find the weight of an arm holding me down. Bright afternoon sunlight fills the living room as I struggle to comprehend what was going on. What the hell was I dreaming? Taichi... oh God... I want him so bad. Shit... get a hold of yourself, it was a dream! A dream? Holy shit, I was dreaming, and it didn't end up with me freaking out! Quite the opposite actually. "TAICHI! Wake up! Wake up, Taichi!" I finally get past his limp arm and start shaking him until he groans. 

His eyes blink open slowly and he stares at me, apparently confused and still half asleep. Then I got him to wake up fully, "I slept Taichi, I forgot to take a pill!" 

Taichi sits up in a hurry, "What? You forgot...? Oh shit, shit! Are you alright? Oh Yama, I'm sorry, I forgot! You okay? Oh man..." 

"Taichi! I'm fine!" I cut him off as he looks about to beat himself up. Then I smile at him as Taichi suddenly shuts up with his mouth hanging wide open. He blinks at me some more, then suddenly it dawns on him. 

"You're... fine? You mean you didn't dream?" 

I shake my head, "Nope, I dreamt." 

"You did? But... Oh! You... Oh wow! So it was a good dream? That's great?" Taichi grins as he finally gets the point. "What'd you dream about?" 

"Well it started out pretty bad, almost went into my nightmare... but then..." I stop, then feel my cheeks heat up as I finally recall how my dream ended exactly. What was I thinking? Why would I want Taichi to 'take me' as I put it when sex was the source of all my problems? 

Taichi gazes at me expectantly, "Then... what?" To my embarrassment, I flush even more, and quickly duck my head to try to hide my face in my long hair. "Yama-chan?" His fingers brush aside my bangs, then lifts my chin to look at me. When he sees my blush, one eyebrow raises questioningly, "Then what?" He repeats softly. 

"Then... then you came... and... and well..." I just shrug helplessly, and I could swear that my whole face was as red as a tomato now. From his expression though, I'm pretty sure he got the reason behind my blushes. 

"Oh... so... was it a good dream then?" His grin disappears as he inches his face foreward. All I can do is nod slightly as I feel his warm breath against my cheek. "That's... great..." His soft lips brush against my own, and I eagerly put my arms around his shoulders, one hand holding the back of his head, his doing the same. He pushed his lips against mine hard suddenly, making me gasp in surprise then in pleasure as Taichi took the opportunity to suck at my bottom lip. He's never done that before, but it feels so good. I can feel my lip swelling in response to his suckling and I let out an involuntary moan. My head is spinning in confusion and pleasure, and I can't even comprehend what's what right now, but I do know that this is something wonderful. His lips have left my mouth now, making their way down my chin, then my throat, his nose nudging into my skin. Lord... this feels... so good... I let out another moan as I rake my hands desperately through his thick hair, pulling him towards me as he starts to unbutton my shirt while sucking at the side of my neck where it just joins the shoulder. I can feel his teeth as they nip the skin, it doesn't hurt, just makes me groan for more. My mind is completely blank of all thoughts except for the need to have Taichi closer to me. My Taichi... 

He had my shirt half way undone, his tongue flicking down my chest, when another voice penetrated the pleasure filled fog in my head. As reality suddenly struck me, I jerked away from Taichi, who did the same himself. For the first few moments we both stared at each other in complete mindless awe, breathing heavily and trying to grasp the meaning of what had just occurred. Then someone's throat cleared behind me and I reluctantly tore my gaze away from Taichi's intense one, my eyes falling on the form of my dad who was looking torn between amusement, shock, and embarrassment. Taichi must have come out of his daze as well as I heard him gasp and jump up from the couch, then just stood there staring at the floor. 

Finally after minutes of uncomfortable silence I gathered up my courage and spoke as I shakily rebuttoned my shirt, "Dad... uh... we were... I mean... What're you doing here?" I stuttered, surprised at how my voice trembled, not with fear but with after emotions of what we had just about done. 

"Uh..." My dad cleared his throat again, leaning against a wall, "Well, I live here... as far as I know. Work cleared out early so I thought I'd come home and see how you were holding up. Of course by the looks of it..." He trailed off with a wave of his hand. 

"Oh..." More silence. 

Taichi suddenly looked up, "Okay, well... I need to get some homework done, I'll be in the bedroom if anyone needs me." He gave me a small grin before darting out of the room. Homework my ass, he's probably freaking over what my father's going to say about this. I've never seen his face look so pale, Taichi's that is. 

An amused chuckle brings my attention back to my dad and I catch him grinning at Taichi's retreating form. Then he walks over and sits in his favorite chair across from me. We stare at each other some more, then I open my mouth to explain but he cuts me off with a wave, "No, no. I don't want to hear what happened. I just want to know one thing," He stops until I give him a nod, "Did you *want* that to happen, or were you feeling forced into it." 

"Oh... I wanted it, I guess. He didn't force me Dad, I was very willing. Don't know why though..." I shook my head confused. Up until now I couldn't even think of sex without feeling sick or like passing out. Now I had almost gone through with it after thinking I never would go further then kissing Taichi for the rest of my life. I wasn't completely horrified with the thought, still nervous now, put not petrified with fear like before. "How... how long were you standing there?" 

"Not long, just enough to see what the situation was. You two were completely out of it, you hadn't even heard the door slam shut when I first saw the display." He grinned again, and I knew everything was alright. My dad's pretty cool when it comes to my relationship with Taichi, for which I was very surprised at. I had always been sure he would never approve, so I hadn't told him. He actually found out by accident after Taichi came over to confess his love to me, but he was okay with it after we talked. 

"Thanks Dad." I gave him an appreciative smile as I stood up, "I better go make sure Taichi's not banging his head against a wall or something." 

"Alright Matt, but for future reference... I'd rather not see that sort of thing on my couch." My smile turned into a grin as I nodded. "And Matt?" I turn around to see a serious look on his face. 

"Yeah?" 

"You be careful. Don't do anything if you feel pressured or don't think you can handle it okay?" I nod again, then walk over to my bedroom. Of course I'll be careful. Taichi wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do anyway, and I would definitely let him know if I was in opposition to certain actions. That was something I couldn't help anyway. 

~*~ 

Tai's POV

Well I wasn't banging my head against a wall, I'm more mature than that! And what was I doing instead? Hiding. Yes, I had jumped straight into Yamato's bed and pulled the sheets way over my head, hiding from Mr. Ishida, shame and guilt. Actually, you can never hide from guilt, and I found out this soon enough after I got comfortable under the hot, stuffy blankets. What the hell did I think I was doing? I took advantage of my beautiful, frightened Yama, that's what I did! After all that he had been through he's been scared to death of anything more than mouth to mouth kissing, and there I go and try to have sex on the fucking couch! I blew it... I blew it all to hell. Why am I so god damned impatient? Just because he was turning red from some dream that focused on me and him did not mean he wanted to make out right then. I read to much in his expression, I'm sure of it. I wonder if he's going to trust me enough to ever want to be alone with me again. 

I was just running out of breath in the airless nest I had made for myself when the blankets were whipped off of me and I found myself staring up at a pair of blinking azure eyes. They didn't look too angry with me or frightened of me, but maybe I just can't read expressions that well. 

"What're you doing?" Yamato asked, still standing in the same spot by the bed. 

"Uh... hiding, I guess." Was my weak response. Why was he even here talking with me after what I'd done? 

The blonde just nodded slightly and sat down on the edge of his bed with a sigh, "Oh. Don't worry, my dad's not going to kill you. He just warned us not to let him catch us on his couch again." 

"Oh." I repeated, suddenly interested in staring my hands. Was that all he was worried about? No... I have to apologize, I shouldn't have let myself get out of control like that. I opened my mouth to tell him how sorry I was when I was cut off. 

"Thank you Taichi." My mouth stayed open as I looked up quickly. Did he just *thank* me? For what? Yamato wasn't looking at me though, he was studying the ring I had given him, turning it on his finger with the other hand. 

Finally I found my voice, "For... for what?" 

Yamato sighed again, still avoiding my gaze, "Well... for everything. For just being here for me. And I know that... that you're blaming yourself for what happened before my dad walked in on us. I just want you to know that, well... I was enjoying then and you didn't force me and... and it made me realize just how much I really do love you. You've been willing all this time to put up with my stupid problems... so... thank you..." 

I had been silent for his small speech and now just stared at him even harder. So I... didn't take advantage of him? He was in agreement with what we had just about done? And to top it off, he's thanking me. Lord, I really don't deserve him in the least. He still loves me. And... I love him more than ever before. He's had to put up with more crap from me than I ever had from him. "You know me too well Yama-chan. But I'll just say you're welcome. And thank *you*." The blue eyes widened a bit and finally looked back at me. When he didn't move I reached over and pulled him down beside me, letting the pale face bury into my shirt, "Oh Angel, you're so beautiful... so wonderful. How did I ever capture your heart? Sometimes it still feels like I'm dreaming this all up. I love you Yama-chan, my Angel." Then I heard him sniffle and felt dampness soaking into my shirt, "Yama-chan? Are you okay?" 

The blonde head came away and he looked at me with bright tearfilled eyes, and smiled, choking on the words as he whispered, "Y-yeah... Taichi... oh Taichi... I... I... m'sorry... about earlier... I w-was so mean. Tai-Taichi~i..." He pressed his tear streaked face once more against my chest, sobbing my name over and over. 

I didn't know what to say, all I could do was hold him as he cried and whisper forgiving and loving words to him. My poor Yama, he's been through so much. Sometimes I forget how hard this must be for him. I wish... I wish I could just go back in time and take away all his pain before it began. Slowly his sobs begin to reside as he takes a couple of deep breaths. Reaching a hand up, I gently brush back his damp bangs and lift his chin so I can look into his eyes. Those are the feature I love most, his beautiful, ocean deep sapphires that now stare back at me admirably. I could spend eternity staring into their depths and never grow bored. I notice the wet tracks that run down the side of his cheek and without thinking, dip my face down to wipe them away with my lips, licking the salty taste away with my tongue. Yamato's quiet for this, but lifts his face to give me better access, sighing with contentment. Sometimes I *can* do certain things right. 

After his face was dry to my satisfaction, I lick my lips one more time and kiss his forehead softly before bringing my head back to look into his eyes once again. They look calmer now, not so full of grief, but still filled to the brink with love and wonder. I smile, and he smiles back, "Taichi... you're so sweet. Stay with me always?" His whisper is so soft I can hardly hear it, but I smile even more lovingly when I do. Yamato seems to always need to hear me promise him over and over that I won't leave. I understand. He trusts me, but it makes him feel better to hear it out loud. 

"Ai shiteru, Angel. I promise to stay with you forever." We both know forever means for as long as I can, but we like the sound of it better. It's more reassuring. Yamato smiles again and snuggles into me, as I wrap him tighter in my embrace. As long as I live, I promise myself to protect my Yamato. I can't even believe anymore that I ever denied him love to begin with, but now I'm slowly making up for hurting my koi. My captivating, golden Angel. 

We both really weren't that tired anymore after the nap we had a little earlier, so after a half hour more of lying in each other's arms, Yamato finally pulled away again and looked up at me. His eyes glittered with happiness as he hugged me and smiled a little up at me, "Taichi?" 

"Mm?" I traced a finger along his smooth cheek absently as I looked into his eyes. I wonder if it's a sin to look so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Yamato closed his eyes part way as my finger slid along his chin, then shook his head slightly, "I... do you have homework?" What a way to kill the mood. 

Confused, I just grin and nod a bit, "Yeah... some. Why?" 

"Oh. I guess you should do it then right?" He looked slightly unsure of himself, and clutched onto my shirt with his hands. 

"Well... I've got all weekend for that Angel. I repeat, why?" 

Yamato sighed and leaned back, studying me as he answered in a shy tone, "Well... I was wondering if... well you're in most of my classes, and... and I need to catch up some. Could you help me? I mean if you don't want to-" I cut him off with my finger across his lips as I smile in understanding. He really is going to go to school on Monday, although I don't know how much good I'll be for helping him with homework as my grades are just barely in the passing zone. 

"Of course I'll help you Yama-chan. You don't need to ask. Come on, I have most of my books here, I'll show you what you missed and where we're at, okay?" I sit up slowly, bringing Yamato's thin body up with me as he smiles brightly and nods. 

In a few minutes time we were both sitting on the floor in front of a text book, Yama resting his head against my shoulder as I tried to explain some of the concepts that we had learned in math class. We stayed like that for hours, as Yamato was very determined to know what was happening in all of his classes. Then at some point much later, I yawned deeply and noticed how the sun was completely set. Looking down at Yama, my arm wrapped around his body, I noticed as well how his eyes were now closed, his head drooping until it was almost in my lap. Quietly I shut the book we had been working on and lifted him up. I set Yamato on the bed gently before crawling in beside him, his peace only disturbed by a small sleepy groan before he settled right down. His face looked so contented, no hint of pain in his smooth features. I'm sure that once in a while he'll still have that old nightmare, but at least he can now get some good night's sleep. Maybe he'll even dream of me again tonight. I'll certainly dream of him. 

~*~ 

(A/N) Aww! hehe, oh well... It was okay, right? Anyway, I'm working on the next part, but it's hard to write a lot with my exams coming up. I'll try to get it up soon though! And those reviews certainly help! 


	6. Facing the World

HoldingOn6.html (A/N) Alrighty, next part up! Ah... more angst and...usual stuff apply, read it and I'll blab a bit at the end, k? ^_^;;   
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em *sniff* 

**Holding On: Part 6**

*** 

Matt's POV

Well here I go, walking down the street towards the one place I had hoped never to see again. We, Taichi and I, are taking the long route to school, planning on getting there just after the bell so that I won't have to walk through the crowded school yard just yet. I'm grateful for that consideration, yet it won't help in the long run. The crowds are going to be just as thick at lunch, and just facing all those kids in the classroom is going to be torture. I don't even know half the kids in most of my classes, but at least I'm used to their faces. And it's not only having to face the multitudes of student bodies during the breaks that are going to make me very nervous, but that fact that I'm going to be stuck in a small, seemingly airless classroom that is filled with people. I am really hoping my claustrophobia doesn't decide to kick in over that. In conclusion, I'm a nervous wreck right now. I'm not scared, just very unsure of the situation and of how my body and brain are going to react. 

At the moment I'm just trying not to think about all of that. Keeping my mind blank of all thought and just enjoying the fresh air. I don't get out much anymore due to the fact that I can't go anywhere without a close friend/relative/boyfriend with me because of my fear of strangers. Of course Taichi is with me now, walking beside me as we head to school. He's so sweet and considerate, hardly the boy I knew back in the Digiworld days. Back then we were always fighting in some form, usually ending up with me completely ignoring him, and him trying to get me to admit I'm wrong. Now it seems he's always trying to please me and make sure I'm comfortable and happy. He's so patient with me, most of the time, that I really don't know what to do. I feel like such a whiner and a baby, then feel guilty when Taichi tries to calm me down or make me feel better. I know he likes to comfort me, and I like it as well, but it makes me feel so pathetic. Oh well, seems as if there's nothing I can do about that now. 

Okay, so those thoughts aren't helping my mood much either. Better to think about nothing at all. Finally looking up from the sidewalk that I had been staring at the whole way, I scan the park that we're cutting through. The school is just around a block from the other side of the park. It's a beautiful day actually, now that I take the time to notice I can feel how warm it is. The sun is fully out, not a cloud to be seen, which is wonderful weather for the winter. Even though the grass is mostly brown and there is only a few dead leaves hanging off of the scattered trees, it's still a beautiful place to be walking through. I sigh miserably, wishing I had the nerve to come out here more often, but this is one place I would absolutely refuse to come to as many weirdo's tend to hang out here. So I refuse to come to the park, and am terrified of being alone in the city because of the dark alleyways between every building. That only leaves my house that I feel safe in to be by myself. I really am pathetic. 

A hand falls lightly on my shoulder, halting my steps. Blinking against my dreamy thoughts I finally focus in on the reason we had stopped. One, we were at the exit of the park, and two, I had been about to run straight into the fence at the side of the path. Shaking my head to clear it, I turn my head slightly to see Taichi staring back at me with worried expression, "You okay Yama-chan?" 

"Um... Yeah... I was just thinking, s'all." I mumble, looking back at the ground and wishing I could just go home now. 

Taichi remains silent for a few more seconds, then he shrugs a bit and starts walking again, me right beside him, "Alright then, we're almost there anyway, but I would like to get you there in one piece so try to watch where you're going, okay Love?" 

Annoyed at how he was ordering me around again, but pleased with the way he called me 'Love' in public, I mutter a non descriptive word/grunt and lean slightly into him. I can almost feel Taichi's smile as he carefully wraps an arm around my waist, keeping me against him. His warm, protective body makes me feel better almost instantly and I let out another grateful sigh. We stay walking like that for the next block, ignoring the way some people looked at us since we didn't know them anyway, but when the school building came in sight Taichi let go of me and I reluctantly pulled away. It wouldn't do any good for kids to see us like that when I had enough problems to deal with already. 

The hallways were quiet when we went through them, I guess we got here a little later than intended. First class was Math, which fortunately we had together so I didn't have to face my first class alone. Taichi was actually in all of my classes except fourth, in which I had computers and he had gym. But that wasn't too bad as Koushiro was in it with me and I usually sat beside him as we knew each other so well. I wonder if he's forgiven me yet for punching his nose in, I haven't spoken to him since then. I'm then snapped out of my thoughts once again as Taichi knocks on the classroom door and our teacher opens it. 

Mr. Isaku frowns at us slightly, glancing at his watch, "Good to see you finally showed up Ishida. Only a few months late are we? Well get in there, you've got a lot of catching up to do. You too, Kamiya, I've warned you about being on time." 

Flushing under the man's gaze, I quickly follow Taichi into the classroom. That teacher has never liked me, he always tries to make my life as miserable as he can. You'd think he'd have a little consideration for someone who had been raped! I notice Taichi glaring back over his shoulder as well, he can't be too happy about that comment, but I'm glad he has sense enough not to open his mouth. I didn't even glance at the rest of the class until I was seated at my usual desk by the window. That's when I noticed everyone was staring at me, many of the kids turning to whisper to their friends as they gave meaningful looks my way. All those eyes turned my way, seeming to pierce right into my very soul. Most of them were not very sympathetic either, in fact, they looked down right disgusted. Why...? 

"Hey Ishida," The boy in front of me turned in his seat as Mr. Isaku turned to the board. Unsure of the sneer he was giving me, I just nodded in acknowledgement. I didn't know the guy, I just wanted him to turn back around and leave me alone. But he just sneered more, "Why'd you do it?" 

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion. "Do what?" What was he talking about? I didn't do anything that I knew of. 

He gave a snort, "You know, turn queer. Everyone knows how you gave yourself to that gang. I can't believe you bribed them to fool around with you like that, and then blame it on them! That's just sick man." The boy started laughing until the teacher glared over in our direction. Then the boy turned to face the front with one last whisper, "Faggot." 

Well what the hell do you do when someone says something like that to you? What can you do? Me, I freeze. It's like I just can't comprehend what was said to me. No, he didn't say that, he couldn't have. It's impossible, I am not... I would never... No! No, no, no, no, NO! But... that _would_ explain the weird looks... and... Did he say everyone thought that I... No... Please, it's not right. How could they think...? But they did. I... I... No, I can't think about it, I can't. I knew this day was going to be miserable, but why did this have to happen? 

For the rest of the class I stared out the window, blank minded. I don't have the slightest idea what was taught to us, I don't even remember the bell going off to signal the end of class. All I could do was work at keeping those awful words from the guy in front of me out of my mind. But suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder and Taichi's voice cut through my daze, "Yama-chan, class is over. What's up?" 

Slowly I turned my head to face him and saw the expected expression, worry and confusion. He didn't know, he didn't know all the awful things that were being said about me. Everyone knew except him. I forced a smile, hoping it satisfied him, and stood up. I can't break down, even if the only thing I want to do right now is burst into tears and feel his arms around me. But I can't, that's just shameful, and I don't want to ruin Taichi's illusions that this day will go alright. I have to make him believe that I was okay. Even if my thoughts were still going zero miles an hour. 

"I'm..." I cleared my throat and avoided Taichi's look as my voice cracked, then tried again, "I'm fine Taichi, just was falling asleep in this boring class, I guess." My smile felt frozen and wrong, and I'm pretty sure that Taichi wasn't falling for it. 

"You sure?" He wasn't being fooled, he always had told me he could read my slightest expressions like an open book. 

I nod and start for the door, carefully not catching his eye as I knew his concerned look would send me over the edge. "yeah... yeah, I am. What do we have next?" 

"Uh... okay, if you say so." He still doesn't believe me, but that's okay, as long as he drops the subject. "English... we have English next." 

Good, a subject I can just shut my mind from. English was my best subject, so it didn't matter if I didn't pay attention for this class. Better not to let any unwanted thoughts slide through my mind, I just hope I don't suddenly freak. 

As we walk through the hallways, I don't miss the stares being sent my way. Most groups of kids went silent as we pass by, only to start up whispered conversations once our backs are to them. They're all talking about me, how I... how I... No! I did nothing! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't... I'm not like that... 

If Taichi noticed anything, he didn't mention it. In fact, he said nothing for our entire way there. I hope he's not angry with me for lying, saying I was okay when I wasn't. That would be just too much. I need him, I don't want him to be mad. But I don't want to sound like a baby by whining about what the other kids are saying about me. Even if they are really bad. 

~*~ 

By the time we walked into the cafeteria for lunch, I was on the verge of a huge breakdown. Two more kids during English had asked me about if I had sold my body, and called me a fag. Their words were getting harder and harder to block out, they kept slipping into my mind, making me want to scream. Of course _that_ would just make me seem crazier than they already thought me to be. And the looks and whispering weren't letting up one bit. I really wish Taichi wasn't so unobservant and would catch onto what was going on, that way I wouldn't have to feel like I'm keeping something from him, and maybe he could make things better. 

My arm is almost yanked out of the socket as Taichi spots our friends at a far table and drags me to it. Balancing the tray of cafeteria food on the other hand, I glumly follow. When we slide into seats at the table I finally look up to see who's all here. There's just four of the digidestined group sitting, Mimi, Sora, Jyou and Koushiro, all of them stopping their conversation as we join them. I see the look they all share and quickly turn my attention back to my tray. I'm absolutely, one hundred percent _not _hungry, so all I do is shift bits of soggy noodles around with my chopsticks, ignoring everyone and everything around me. They know too. 

Someone clears their throat, then there's silence until Taichi finally speaks up in an impatient tone, "What's up with you all today? Man, you're acting as if somebody died or something." I cringe at the thought. There are probably a million bullies in our school who would love to beat me dead from what they think I did. 

"Tai, shut up. Matt? Are you okay?" Sora's voice softens as she questions me, but I ignore her, still intent on breaking up a long noodle into as many pieces as I can. 

"Sure he's okay. Why wouldn't he be? So far we've managed to get through the day without a single incident, haven't we Yama?" Taichi sounds confused. 

I shrug and answer monotonously, trying not to let my voice quiver with the emotions I was really feeling at being called a slut, bitch, fag and a million other names so far today, "Yeah." 

I hear Mimi sigh dramatically from the far side of Taichi, "Well, this is just like old times isn't it? Matt acting the cool, tough guy and Tai dense as ever." My face flushes as I hold back my threatening tears. They're going to blow it, Taichi's going to find out and I'm going to feel like an idiot. 

Jyou, sitting right across from me, tries to get my attention, "You mean Tai doesn't even know? How is that possible, it's all over the school!" Okay, he's the idiot, why can't they just keep their big mouths shut?! I don't want to hear about it, I don't even want to think about it. 

Finally Taichi bangs his fist on the table, making me wince, "What the hell are you talking about?! What don't I know? I don't have a clue to what you guys are talking about!" 

Okay, that's it! I can't take this anymore. I don't want to see Taichi's face when they tell him, I don't want to give even more for these gossips around me to talk about, and I sure as hell don't want to feel all those stares on me for another second! Jerking up from the table, I push the tray away with its untouched food, making up an excuse so that Taichi won't follow me, "Be right back Tai, just gonna go answer nature's call." I don't wait for his answer but walk out of the cafeteria as fast as I can without running. I wasn't lying to Taichi either, I'm going to the bathroom and answering nature's call, the call to let out my building angst. 

"Hey watch it Pansy! Don't you dare touch me!" Some strange boy growls as I try to dodge him. Fuck... I can't take this anymore! 

~*~ 

Tai's POV

Confused at Yamato's abrupt departure, I watch as his body disappears into the crowd. Then I turn to face the other four at the table, "Okay, what's going on? Tell me!" They all exchange that same look I had caught when we first sat down here. Something's up, and I'm sure it has to do with my Yama, with the way he's been acting. He's keeping something from me, something important the everyone else seems to know about. Maybe I really am dense, I mean how could the rest of the group know something about Yamato I don't? He hasn't spoken to any of them for awhile as far as I know! 

Everybody at the table glances at one another, as if they're trying not to be the one to tell me what they know. Finally all eyes come to rest on Koushiro, the only one who hasn't spoken so far. He sighs reluctantly, "Fine, I shall inform him of the situation." His deep black eyes fall on me, "You are not going to be glad to hear this Tai, but since you obviously haven't been paying attention to the world around you, I shall try to make it clear. Just... don't blame me for what the others in the school vicinity have been saying. I want you to know first that none of us at this table or in the digidestined group agree or believe in it in the slightest." I don't say anything, but prepare for the worse and give the redhead my best glare, prompting him to get on with it. He clears his throat and continues, "Right... well it seems as if rumors have started spreading throughout the school, starting a few weeks ago by some unknown source." 

When he stops I glare even harder, "What kind of rumors?" My voice is dead serious. If this is hurting Yama somehow... 

Sora decides to pick up the explanation, probably figuring I wouldn't hit a girl if I got mad over this, "Tai, everybody is saying that Matt let himself get raped by those guys willingly. Or that he paid them to sexually abuse him." 

"What?!" Is all that comes out of my mouth. I don't believe this. I _don't_ believe _this_! How did I not hear about this sooner? What the hell is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with this school? Why would anyone say this about my sweet angel? How could they...? Fuck... I'm such an idiot! "Does... does Yama know?" Somehow I already know the answer to that. 

"Well it's pretty obvious he does. He was looking pretty upset." Mimi informs me, crossing her arms as she glared at me. "I can't believe you didn't notice!" 

Huh, you're not the only one. Oh no... poor Yama... so that's why he was acting like that. But why wouldn't he tell me? Kuso... I'm so mad, fuck this school! In fact... Quickly I hop up on the table before anyone could stop me and glare out over the students, "FUCK YOU!" I scream, before jumping back down and making a mad dash towards the door, leaving my friends behind to gape in astonishment. I have to find Yamato, I don't want him to hurt himself. I just know he's taking this really hard. Fuck me, why do I have to be so dense! I should have been able to see what was going on. At the very least, I should have talked to Yamato. I had seen how out of it he looked after first period. I just don't get one thing, why didn't he tell me? I know he trusts me, he said he did, so why wouldn't he tell me what was going on when I asked? Baka Taichi... Of course he wouldn't tell you, Yamato's always been like that. He doesn't want show weakness. And now... oh man, I should have seen it. Hold on Yama, I'm coming. 

~*~ 

Matt's POV

Here I am, sitting on a dirty floor, in a dirty stall of the disgusting boys' room, biting my arm to keep from crying. If I cry, everyone will see my red eyes and tear stained face and know, know how pathetic I am, know what a baby and absolutely worthless shit head I am. Heh, funny how I get so upset over them calling me names, but can call myself them without a second thought. I hate myself. I completely abhor me. 

Shit... why? Why, why, why? I would never _let_ myself get abused like that, how could anyone even think that? No... don't think about it. 

All my life I've been very good at closing myself off to the world, shutting down my mind so that no thought or emotion would show itself. It's my way of dealing with the world. Keep it out of my head and it will go away. All I need to do is take a deep breath, ignore the taste of blood from biting my arm so hard, and unfocus. Block out all thoughts, all the madness. Don't think about how fucked up I am, how everyone thinks that I'm a sick perverted faggot, how... how... Damnit! Just stop! Don't cry Matt... don't let the emotions overcome you. Don't cry... please... 

It's just... so sudden. Everything was getting so much better, my nightmares were not nearly so frequent, and I had managed to get rid of most of my headaches... and now this. This... this is just breaking down my defenses faster than anything before. I've always taken pride in my image, how others see me. Of course that's all ruined now. I hate... hate... 

"Yama-chan? You in here?" Taichi's whisper cuts through me like a knife. He knows now, he knows of my shame. And now he's looking for me... Well that did it, that burst the dam. Tears come pouring out of my eyes before I can stop them, and I choke back a sob, but I think Taichi hears it anyway. I see his shoes appear under the door of the stall I'm in as he tries to open the locked door. "Yama... let me in!" His voice sounds urgent, but I can't move, I just can't. If I do, I'm going to collapse to the floor, letting out my emotional pain all over the dirty tiles. I just choke some more on my silent tears and listen to him sigh. Then Taichi's tanned face appears under the door as he quickly slides underneath the opening. He sits up and stares at me with wide eyes at first, "Oh... Yama..." 

I can't stand it anymore, I can't! I don't care if he sees me crying, it's not like he hasn't before. I don't care, I just need to feel his arms holding me, to feel how he cares. But before I can make a move, Taichi closes off the space between us and pulls me into his body, and I can't help sobbing into him, words flying out of my mouth almost incomprehensibly, "T-Tai-Taichi... I... I... didn't... l-l-let th-them... h-hur-hurt m-me... I'm... f-fag... b-b-bitch a-and..." I cut off, clutching onto Taichi's shirt for my life as my tears soak him. I'm such a damned baby, blubbering like this, but I just can't stop. 

"Shh, Angel, I know..." Taichi tries to comfort me. 

"No... no you... you d-don't kn-know... It... it hu-hurts, i-it hurts. They... th-they think... I... I..." Ugh, shut up Yamato, this is the stupidest thing to cry over. So they've been calling me names and... and think I go get other guys to... do things... to me... Shit, I know I shouldn't be this upset, but it _does_ hurt me, it tears me up inside. I'm not fishing for sympathy, but at least I would like a little respect! After all I go through, and what it took just to face this small part of the world again, this is what I have to hear about. It's... it just hurts, why would they think something like that of me? I would never... I didn't... No... I just want to get away from their accusing, disgusted looks, their mocking whispers. Run... I've got to get out of here, I can't take it! I'm not strong enough! Let go... let me go! Let me go! Let me GO! 

"YAMATO!! Stop it! Get a grip, this is not the time to be getting hysterical on me!" Taichi's yells cut through my hysteria, and I snap my eyes open, not realizing I had even closed them. The brown eyes infront of me are wide with worry and fear. I blink, trying to focus my spinning thoughts, and look away from him. I guess I got a little out of control. At least I've stopped crying... for the moment. And instead of the anguish I was feeling before, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's back... I can feel it worse than before... it's almost as strong as it was in the Digiworld. Taichi had me almost convinced that it would never come back like this, that I could face the world as long as he was near, but it didn't work out that way. Oh Kami... the darkness... Those stupid kids were just feeding it with their horrible rumors and names, and now it's trying to suck me down again. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. Do I even want to keep my grip on the edge if all those people that I would have to face every day hate me? 

"Yama-chan? Are you... I mean, you don't look so good." I ignore Taichi's attempts to get me to look at him. I've hurt him enough since we first met, I don't deserve him... If everyone sees him with me, they'll be saying nasty things about him too. I don't want him to hurt like I am. Suddenly my head is snapped around and I find myself staring into the most serious look that I've ever seen in Taichi's eyes, "Damnit Yama, you are NOT going to do this to me! I know that look, and I'm not going to let you close yourself off again. I will _not_ lose you like this, not after I almost lost you once before. Now snap out of it and _talk_ to me!" 

He's... he's scared. The keeper of courage is afraid... I haven't seen him like this since... since _then_. My heart melts at the sight of him trying to keep control of himself. No, I don't want to push him away, not after it took so long just to get him. But what would the others say... "Taichi... I... the other kids... they'll..." I look away once again, this time to stare dejectedly down at his hands holding my own. 

"They will what, Angel?" He asks gently, reaching up one hand to brush his fingers along my cheek, cupping my chin to make me meet his eyes again. Feeling a little better at the contact and the gentle look in his eyes, I lean into his touch, wishing that we could stay this close forever. 

I sigh, "They'll call you a... a fag too. And... and other stuff. It hurts, Taichi." Please don't leave me, please don't go Taichi. 

To my surprise, Taichi lets out a gentle laugh, his eyes showing no remorse what so ever. "Do you think I care about that? Yama-chan... my Angel, I don't give a damn what any one of them says about us, as long as I have you. Is that what's got you so upset?" I nod hesitantly, not sure of what to say in this new light of things. Taichi sighs softly, "Listen to me, those names, they're just words. Words coming from a bunch of insensitive, naive, judgementel, self-centered, dumb ass jerks. They have no idea what we're feeling, and they don't care. In fact I've heard that people like that are scared of difference and just say and do things to protect themselves from that feeling of helplessness. It doesn't matter what they say you are or did, you know the truth. Who gives a shit about what all those strangers say, it's your real friends who count. _I_ know what really happened; Izzy, Mimi, Sora, Kari, Takeru, Daisuke, Ken, Yolie, Iori, and Jyou all know who you really are and how wonderful and great you are. They're the ones you should be thinking of, just ignore the others. Once they see you're not bothered by their immaturity, they'll start to drop the matter and move on to more interesting stuff. I love you Yamato Ishida, and nothing's going to change that, especially all those uninformed assholes." Taichi finally stopped his grande speech/rant, apparently out of breath. 

The only action I was capable of at that moment was to sit there in his arms and stare open mouthed. Was that Taichi speaking like that? But... but I guess he's right. Now that he's brought it to my attention, it is just a bunch of strangers and jerks that were acting like that. All of my real friends had approved of our relationship at some point or another. Then why had it hurt so much when others were telling me what they thought I had done? Maybe... maybe I was just afraid of losing Taichi. I thought if he heard about what they were saying about me, he'd want to stay away from me. That's why the darkness was coming back, I had thought that Taichi was going to leave me, and he's the only one keeping it at bay. Of course now I know that's just plain stupid, Taichi wouldn't leave me because of something like that. "Where'd... where did _that_ all come from?" I finally asked, still trying to think all of this through. 

Taichi looked surprised, "You know... I really don't know. It just sort of came out. But I meant every word of it." He did, I could see it, he was as sincere as Mimi ever was. Taichi was right, who cares what people said when they had no idea what they were talking about, he's always right. As long as I have my Taichi, I _won't _care. 

Relaxing for the first time today, I give my wild haired koi a real smile and lean into his chest, inhaling to take in his wonderful scent, "I believe you Taichi. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you." 

"No problem Yama-chan, just don't expect any more speeches of wisdom like that for a long time. That was just not me. But I'm glad I could help. And Angel...?" 

I give a small laugh, "Yes Taichi?" 

"Uh, can we get out of here now? It really stinks." I laugh again when I realize we're still in the bathroom. I had almost forgotten about that. Taichi's right, it does smell. I nod and he helps me to stand up. When I finally get my balance, I look at him to lead the way out, but he doesn't move. Instead, Taichi pulls me in for a passionate, warm kiss, pressing his lips gently but firmly against my own. Before I can react though, he pulls away and gives me a grin, "Come on, let's go." I just nod dumbly and follow, feeling much better. I could never doubt my love for Taichi, he's just so sweet and understanding, I really could never have lived without him. 

By the time we made it out into the hallways, and were headed towards our lockers, I felt much better. The knots in my stomach loosened enough for me to breath easier, and I managed to ignore most of the looks sent our way by watching Taichi's body infront of me sway through the crowds. The rest of the day went pretty much the same, people swore at me as I passed and gave me evil stares, and I pretended I didn't hear or see them by focusing on my boyfriend. I still felt the pangs of hurt when I did hear them or catch a disgusted glance aimed at me, but they weren't tearing at my insides like before. Taichi wasn't going to leave me because of what the others thought, so I'll just try to think the same way. 

At the end of classes, Taichi and I grabbed our books and headed straight for the front doors, him leading once again. I felt a lot safer being able to have in my sights anyway. I was about to let out a sigh of relief as Taichi pushed open the door when a hand jerked me around. I managed to let out half a yell before I was sent flying down to the floor, clutching my jaw. 

~*~   
Tai's POV

"See Yama, we made i-" A shout cut off my triumphant words and smile, Yamato's shout. Fearfully I spun around then gaped for a moment at the scene. My poor angel was curled up on the floor, face buried in his hands as a hulking brunette stood over him, preparing to set a kick in motion. Without a second thought I set my fist flying into the guy's stomach, making him gasp in pain and face me in surprise. I knew this guy, Nick, as one of my old buddies. I used to hang around with him and his gang when I wasn't with the digidestined group. Nick was worse than I ever was when it came to homosexuals. He hated them with a passion, and I like the idiot I was, had laughed right along with the other guys as he called out profanities to the gays that we knew of. Was I really like that? It seems like so long ago. Now I'm one of the 'fags', of course, he doesn't know that. Yet. 

"What the fuck do you think you were doing to Matt?" I growled angrily, glaring up at Nick while I kneeled beside Yamato. The blonde didn't move, just lay there all curled up and shaking. This is definitely not something he needs right now for recovery, and I'm sure he's in shock. At least this time he's not screaming hysterically, so that's a good sign right? 

The brute just stared down at me in his own sort of shock, looking as if he had just swallowed a mouse. Then he shook his head and smirked, "You had something queer following you, so I took care of it. Don't tell me you haven't heard about this mother fucker here?" 

My mind froze for a second as I processed what he had just called my boyfriend, then turned away to look at Yamato, ignoring the other for the moment before I could let my rage take over and end up doing something stupid. "Did he hurt you very bad Yama?" I asked quietly, rubbing a gentle hand on his shoulder, "It's okay, I'm here now. I won't let them hurt you." I heard the gasp from the gathering crowd around us, but I ignored them, keeping my attention on the only thing that mattered to me. I felt Yamato stiffen, then his hands moved away to look at me. Bright blue eyes flickered around as he stared at all the people around him, before focusing back on me. "You okay?" 

Yamato shuddered, then nodded slightly, "I... I think... so. Taichi... I... there's too many... around. I want to... go home, please?" His soft whisper was shaky, and he looked like he was having a bit of trouble breathing again. 

"Yeah, of course." Sliding an arm around him slowly, I helped Yama to stand up and excited whispers started up from the small crowd of kids at the sight of Yamato leaning against me. Finally sure that my koi was well enough for now, I turned my gaze back on my former comrade. "You ever touch Yamato again, even turn you unworthy eyes his way, I'll make you regret it for the rest of your miserable, pathetic life, you got that?" My voice was low and menacing, and I meant every damned word of that threat. 

"Tai, what... I mean, you're one of _them_? You're a fucking queer?" Nick looked absolutely disgusted, probably thinking of all the times he'd hung around with me. 

The blonde beside me suddenly made a choked noise, "Tai-Taichi... I... I'm... s-sorry..." My arm tightened around him as I swore under my breath. He sounded so afraid, did he really think I was going to feel bad over some stupid names? I thought that whole speech thing I somehow managed to come up with had cleared that up. Or maybe he thought I still thought this guy my friend? Or that I would leave him... Ah fuck this. 

Spinning around, I caught Yamato in both my arms, making him face me, and pressed my lips against his before anyone could blink. Yamato's blue eyes flew wide open in panic, but I didn't let him pull away until he relaxed enough to kiss me back a bit. Giving the shocked and confused boy my famous grin, I turned back to the now slacked jaw Nick. "Hmm, I guess my answer to that is an affirmative. I'm gay, deal with it. But any more shit out of you, or any of you homophobics out there, you'll be sorry to have messed with me or my beautiful koi." And with that I grabbed the thin blonde around the waist and walked out of the doors, through the crowd that seemed to just part for us. I know I may have made a mistake in showing such open affection in front of so many people, but it was worth it to see their faces. I'll just have to make sure not to get caught by myself in some dark alley way where they could beat the shit out of me... uh, better not to bring that up in front of Yama. 

We were half way home before Yamato seemed to wake up out of his trance. Feeling pretty good about what I had just done, I grin over at him and peck his soft cheek, pulling him in closer to my side. "Wow... Taichi... I... that was... I mean..." 

With a laugh, I kiss him again as he tries to catch up on what had just happened. He looks so cute when he's confused and blushing like this! "A promise is a promise," I tell him cheerily, "Besides, that was fun! The look on their faces, hehe. You'd have thought I had just told them I was the man in the moon!" 

Smiling a small, wonderful, rare smile, Yamato looks down at his blue ring for a moment before wrapping his arm around me with a soft, "Thank you" 

I just squeeze him in reply and lead him contentedly down the side of the street. It's funny to think that just a few months ago, I had been one of those kids making fun of two guys walking with their arms around each other. I've changed so much since Yamato confessed his love for me, and I find it almost impossible to think about what my life would be like without him now. I had always been sure that being gay as wrong, and had been right up there with Nick, picking on others like Yama. And now I'm one of _them_, as Nick had so nicely put it. I have to admit I love it, as long as I'm with my Angel. 

We were almost to Yamato's apartment building, I could see it a few blocks down. Yamato sighed again, this time he sounded almost contented, and I turned my head to tell him once again how much I loved him, just to see that beautiful smile of his. Then suddenly my vision went black, followed by a heavy pain in the back of my head as Yama was pulled out of my arms. Faintly I heard his scream, and someone dragging me, but I didn't seem to be in control of my body anymore. Oh Kami... Yamato... what's going on? Someone's hurting him, oh no... this can't be happening! We had just gotten away from that! I've let him down... I have to help him, he'll hate me... Damnit! I can't... YAMATO! 

The last thing I heard before I went into complete unconsciousness was the sound of a deep, familiar voice, "So Blondie, did ya miss me?" Yamato... I'm so sorry... 

*** 

(A/N) Um... too be continued! Yeah, this'll wrap up within the next two chapters (finally! ^_^). Hehe, Yama's going to stand up for himself, so don't you worry! He'll protect his poor, zonked out Taichi ^_^ Well, the crisis will most likely be over next chapter, then for those of you who have been patiently(?) waiting for it, I'll stick some lemony goodness into the very last chapter!! hehe, that should be interesting to write ^^; Well, I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, and I really appreciate your reviews!!! (My thanks to all who have reviewed so far!)   
  



	7. Face Your Fears

HoldingOn7.html (A/N) Hey there, guess what? I'm going away for 7 to 8 weeks for the summer so this will probably be the last chapter for a while, so sorry if this seems kind of long/rushed/wierd, I just didn't want to keep you guys waiting to long! Anyway, hopefully when I get back there'll be more reviews to get me back in the writing mode, hehe. Um... more angst, yaoi, fight, an' stuff. 

_Disclaimer: Don't own the characters obviously, just the story_

**Holding On: Part Seven**   


Matt's POV

A surprised yell escaped from my lips as I was shoved into the nearest alleyway, my head spinning as it tried to catch up with what was going on. Then suddenly I was surrounded and having major deja vu as a cruel voice growled from the shadows in front of me, "Hey Blondie, did ya miss me?" Shit, I knew it, I knew it! It's him, he's back for revenge! Kami help me... 

So far I wasn't in complete freak out mode, I don't think my mind had yet grasped the meaning of all this. Then another boy stumbled into the alleyway, dragging something behind him, "Heya boss, what should I do with this 'un here?" This one? Who's he... Oh my God... Taichi! What did they do to him? 

"Just keep an eye on him 'till I need 'im." Then I was grabbed by a rough hand and shoved against the dirty wall behind me, my head smacked against the bricks making stars burst in my vision, "As for you... What d'ya have to say for yourself, you little whore?!" Seb spat in my face, his foul breath making me choke. I couldn't focus, couldn't think and felt like I wasn't even there at all... definitely in shock. I was pulled forward, then smacked against the wall again, almost hard enough to crack my skull, "I asked you a question bitch. Answer me!" 

"I... I don't... know what... you're talk... talking about." I gasped, desperately trying to figure out how I was going to get out of this mess. It was obvious that Taichi was out of commission for the moment as two skinny creeps held him up nearby. I hope he's going to be okay, I haven't even seen him move yet. They better have not hurt him too bad, that's all I can say. 

"You fucking know what I'm talking about, Bitch!" This was followed by a sharp punch to my stomach, shoving the air out of my body. Now I could barely breath and my head was feeling as if it was about to explode with pain. And even worse, I was beginning to realize just what the situation was. I could already feel the fear climbing up my throat. "You're going to pay, you and that gay-assed dicklicker over there." Oh no... no... Taichi... They can't hurt us, please, they just can't. 

Suddenly Seb lets go of me and I slump to the pavement, still trying to catch my breath in painful gasps. Kami... my whole body feels like it just got run over by a truck, especially my head. Oh man, how ironic is this? Once again I'm caught by those horrible guys, and for a second time Taichi is unable to help me. I just don't think I can handle this... not by myself. It hurt enough the first time, wasn't once enough? 

"Bring 'im over here boys." I look up in time to see my boyfriend thrown onto the ground a few feet in front of me. He didn't move, but I heard a small groan. Then Seb came back into my view. "Since you had the privilege of having this done already, we'd thought we'd give you a demonstration of how we dun it. Of course, this time 'round, we can't afford to have you live to tell the tale, that mistake won't be repeated!" The guys standing around us laughed, making me cringe at the malice I could hear in their voices. Why? Why are they doing this to us? It just doesn't make sense. I know they want revenge, well Seb does anyway, for getting him thrown in jail, but do they have to do it like _this_? Maybe I'm having that nightmare again, maybe this isn't really happening. That's it, I'm asleep and dreaming this. Only this time, Taichi is going to be hurt like I was. Oh Taichi... no... Just a nightmare... got to wake up... wake up... NOW! 

But I didn't wake up, as I stared in a daze at the shiny object dangling in front of my face. When my eyes focused on it, I realized it was a knife. A knife that Seb was holding and bringing it closer to my still unconscious love. Oh no... Fuck, this can't be happening, not to him, not to my Taichi. He's had to put up with enough crap from me, and he does not need to experience the pain for himself. I can't let this happen... I can't. It'll ruin him. I've got to help... somehow... 

Then I was snapped out of my dreamlike state when I saw the knife go to Taichi's pants... I _won't_ let this happen! With a strangled cry, I jumped up, ignoring the pain in my stomach and head, and sent myself into Seb. Seb is one tough guy, I tell you, and he has one hell of a hard body, something I got to experience for myself as I launched into him from the side. In his complete shock at my attack though, Seb went flying onto the graveled pavement, the knife shooting off into a pile of garbage. For the next few minutes there was complete silence, no one moved as they all stared at me panting heavily from where I had rolled to. Seb was still lying on the ground, winded. 

Finally, I cleared my head enough to sit up, my action seeming to be a signal for the others to start coming back to life as well. A growling Seb leaped up, ignoring a large scrape along his arm which was bleeding heavily, and stomped over to me. The other boys stood back, grinning as they knew what was coming. Yep, he's going to kill me now for sure. "You fucking little bitch! What the hell was that?! You're asking for it," His ugly face closed in towards my own, giving me a grin from hell. 

I have to admit, I'm scared out of my mind here. This guy could beat me up with one hand tied behind his back, and me, I'm skinny as a stick and probably just as strong. Maybe I should have listened more when my parents had always told me to eat my vegetables. But it's too late to back down now, I got myself into this, and I'm sure as hell not going to run away from it, not while Taichi is still out cold and helpless. There's got to be a way to beat this giant pig. Come on Ishida, you can do it... think! Great, now I'm encouraging myself, real sane. I guess Seb finally gave up waiting for me to do something as the next thing I know I'm hurtled back against the other wall, knocking the breath from me for a second time. This just isn't my day. Panting heavily, I manage to stumble to my feet, only to find myself staring face to face with a murderous glare. 

"Uunh...Ya...Yama...?" Taichi! He's waking up! Although he doesn't sound like he'll be up to defending himself, much less both of us. That distraction caused me another slammer, right in the cheek, cracking my head back. From my dazed position on the ground, I saw a few of the gang members grab Taichi firmly between them. He wasn't going anywhere, although he wasn't struggling yet, looking very out of it and confused from that hit on the head. 

I saw Seb's large boot coming for my head and managed to roll out of the way, just in time. How the hell was I going to defeat *him*? Man... I'm way in over my head here. Another dodge from a fist. 

I hate him... I HATE him and I can't take this anymore. Living in fear of him every god damned minute of the day. I just... I can't keep it up, it's wearing me down. I don't want to live in constant fear of what Seb'll do to me, what he did to me. Slowly, but surely, I could feel the terror leaking away, being replaced with anger. Anger that this... this heartless bastard would do such things. I don't want him to hurt me, or anybody for that matter, but now I realize the only way to get him to stop haunting me is to face him. Face my fear, and defeat it. Yikes... I think I'm finally losing it. 

Seb tightly clenched my shirt collar in his fist again, lifting me up until I was balancing on my toes and choking a bit. He aimed another nasty sneer at me, "This is what you deserve Blondie, you worthless piece of shit. I broke you once, an' I'll do it again. This time it ain't to get Taichi back, this uns' all for you." His tongue shot out to lick his lips as he leered up at me, making my stomach churn with panic that was trying to make itself known. But I wouldn't acknowledge the fear's presence, not now, not with this asshole to take care of. Now I finally understand how Taichi felt when he was going after Seb a while ago, red vision and all. I may be self absorbed and quiet most of the time, but when my famous Ishida temper flares up, the source of it better take heed. Just as Seb raised a hard fist to my face, I silently tightened my own fist and stared him right in the eyes, giving him the hardest glare of my life. I don't know what he saw in my eyes, but I swear I saw a glimmer of fear in his own black ones just before my fist cracked into his face with all the force of my frustrations, fears and anger behind it. Both of us gave a yell, mine full of madness and his of pain and surprise. And that was just the beginning... call _my_ koi names will you? This is what you get for hurting us! 

All my senses left as I finally was doing what I should have done in the very beginning. All I could see was my fist pounding his ugly face and body, only his yells and my screams of rage could I hear, and I could feel nothing of my own pain, just the numbness of revenge. I hate him, I hate what he did to me, I hate myself for being so weak, and I fucking hate him for even being born to hurt us. Hate... hate... take that... and _that_.... "I HATE YOU!" 

~*~   
Tai's POV

My head finally cleared enough for me to make sense of my surroundings and what was going on around me. First thing I noticed was that I was being held tightly, both my arms cranked up behind my back where one false move could disjoint or break them. Secondly, I came aware that I was in some smelly, dirty alleyway. And finally my eyes came to rest on two boys at the opposite wall, one gripping the other's shirt collar, holding him up in the air. What the hell...? What happened? I don't... Suddenly my brain kicked in. Shit... that's Seb and... and Yamato. *Seb and Yamato*! Oh fuck! Yamato... he looks like shit, bruises becoming clear on his pale face, his hair a total mess, as well as the fact that it appears he's choking in Seb's grasp. And there's nothing I can do! Maybe I can break free somehow, I have to. I will _not_ let that son of a bitch hurt my Yama again! Then I saw Yamato's eyes. I've never seen them so hard in my life, not even when I pissed him off for   
all those years. His bright sapphire eyes are now ice, making even me who is almost used to that look freeze in sheer terror. Yamato is _not_ happy, and I know all about his temper. Seb's in for it now. 

And then it came, Yamato's fist smashed into Seb's face, hurtling them both down to the pavement. The two guys with me yelled, but didn't loosen their grip. I was about to kick them when I heard the screams and looking back at the scene before us I gaped in complete shock. I have _never_ seen my sweet angel like _this_ before. He's snapped! The utter rage on his face scared me like never before, and the way he was rhythmically pounding into Seb's body like that... I guess Yamato's been keeping everything inside for so long, this is how it's now coming out. Suddenly I realize my arms are free, and the two other guys are running over to their fallen leader to aid him. They grab at Yamato, but he doesn't even seem to feel them, his focus is all on the one who gave him so much pain. Oh Yama... I'm so sorry. 

My only capabilities for a few moments was to feel shock and fright at Yamato's complete out of control attack. Then I notice the blood leaking onto the ground from them, and then the guy who's just grabbed a loose board and is aiming at my koi's head! Without hesitation I race over to the idiot and shove my own fist into his face, sending him reeling to the ground. The other member of the gang saw this and ran. What cowards. Finally I turn back to Yamato, he hasn't even slowed down his punches, his face contorted into a painful grimace, eyes full of hate. Shit, he's actually going to kill that bastard! 

"Yama?" Slowly I walk over to him, but Yamato doesn't give any indication that he's noticed me. Seb looks completely unconscious, finally giving up in defending himself against Yama's mindless hatred. I kneel down beside him, but hesitate to reach over to the blonde as he is totally under his need for revenge, "Please Yama-chan... stop this okay? You're going to kill him." I plead gently. 

"I HATE YOU!" Yamato screams out for a second time, and I'm assuming that it's aimed at Seb and not me, "I HATE YOU! I _AM_ GOING TO KILL YOU!" Okay... Damn, this is not looking so good. I have to stop Yamato, now. If he keeps this up and kills Seb, well I don't think the police are going to care much for his excuse of revenge. 

"Angel... come on, it's me, Taichi. Get a grip and lay off of him. I hate him too, but killing him is not going to solve anything. Just like what you were telling me when _I_ wanted to kill him. Are you listening to me? ... Yama-chan?" Without thinking of the consequences, I reach out and lay a hand on his shoulder, "Yamato." 

Then his cold, blank gaze is turned on me. I don't even think he really is seeing me, caught in his own dark world. And then for the second time that day I'm sent backwards by a forceful punch in the jaw. I felt my jaw bone creak with the effort not to crack, and in my shock at what Yamato had just done, all I could do was lay on my side holding my injured face. Damn, I had no idea he could hit _that_ hard! Fuck... Maybe he did break the bone. Fighting a sudden wave of nausea, I try to sit up, only to find out the first lump to my head was not going to let me off that easily and I fell back down as a wave of dizziness hit me. "Yama... Stop." I manage to command through clenched teeth as I closed my eyes tightly against the sudden urge to throw up. This was _not_ how I was planning to spend the day, lying in some hell hole alley, beaten up by a gang and my boyfriend. 

~*~   
Matt's POV

My vision was filled with darkness, except for the thick red haze in the middle through which I watched myself pound the enemy. Hate is running through my veins, stronger than I've ever imagined feeling it. Seb deserves to die after what he did to me, what he was going to do to my koi, and I'll be the one to kill him. I don't care anymore, just as long as he can't hurt me. The darkness has finally taken control, this time in the form of my hatred. Fuck this bastard, he hurt me so bad, I'm only making him feel what I felt. 

Suddenly I felt a new weight on my shoulder and a voice. A new enemy? On instinct I turn to face him, unable to comprehend who it was through my clouded mind, and got rid of him with one quick punch. Breathing heavily, I watch as the dark form falls to the ground, then turn my attention back to the task at hand. My pattern has been broken, but I'll start a new one on his face. Just as I pull back a fist I hear that voice again, coming from that person who was here moments ago. It sounds urgent this time, commanding, pleading. What the fuck? Who... no, I've got to kill Seb, he'll get free and hurt me again. I send another fist cracking against the asshole's cheek with all the force I could conjure up. "Fuck Yamato, do you even know what you're doing? What the hell is wrong with you? Snap out of it!" The other figure is near me again. Of course I know what I'm doing, I'm getting rid of unnecessary pain. There's nothing wrong with me, nothing. I have the right to do this. I will kill him. 

This time I'm pushed right off of Seb, and was too surprised to get back up right away. The other boy was leaning over the still body, which was the only thing I could focus on. "Shit... Yamato, gimme your cell, I've got to call for help." His voice was thick and almost unclear, as if speaking was hurting him. At first I didn't understand what he wanted, then when I did, the anger returned. He wants to _help_ this thing that hurt me so bad? No... no, I didn't finish killing him yet! He _can't_ help him! 

Then the boy is in front of me, "Yamato?" No, no, no... I've got to finish my revenge. This isn't right. How dare this jerk try to stop me, who does he think he is?! "Damnit Yama, please stop this." Now his voice sounds choked, why...? "You're really scaring me okay? Please, you're going to get yourself hurt... you're already hurting me." Hurting him? How? I... well I did punch him, I remember that, but... I hear him groan, then feel a hand reach into my pocket and pull out the cell phone. My first instinct was to punch him again for 'helping', but I couldn't... I just... couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him. 

Slowly my head started to clear, and I became aware of the the wide, tearful chocolate eyes staring at me as the mouth moved in conversation with the phone. He _was_ scared... I was frightening him. I forget all about Seb and my revenge as I just stare into those sorrowful eyes, losing myself in their soft depths. Somehow, they calmed me, and I could feel my senses returning. I heard the phone click off, and it was gently placed back in my pocket, suddenly snapping me back to realization. Back to reality and where I was... who this was with me. Taichi, it was Taichi... oh God, he's okay, he... Oh no... I... I hit him... that was him I punched... I hurt him... oh no... no, no, no. Oh Kami no. 

A terrified and shameful sob escaped my mouth before I could stop it, and I started scrambled backwards, away from the one I had betrayed. How could I have done that? Had I been so deep in my darkness that I would hurt the one I loved most? Shaking my head in denial and horror, I tried to stand up, but collapsed back down as my legs gave out on me. I was a mess, I hadn't felt it in my rage, but my whole body was one fucking pain. Finally I sobbed out to the staring brunette, unable to control myself, "I... I... I'm... s-sorry... I'm sorry... I-I'm sorry... please..." 

Taichi interrupted me as his eyes lit up, "Yama-chan? You back with me now Love?" He crawled over to my shivering form, "You... you okay now?" I shake my head, wishing I could just disappear forever. How could I have done that to him? "Oh... Angel. I... uh. Well, the ambulance should be here soon anyway, and the police. We-" He stops suddenly, wincing, and rubs his jaw a bit. I can see the bruise already, the bruise that I made with my own fist. I turn away, unable to look at my mistake any longer. Baka... Taichi promises never to hurt me, and then what do _I_ do to him? It's a wonder he is even still beside me right now. If I were him, I'd just leave the horrible person I am and find someone who deserves him. 

There was silence for a few minutes, both of us unwilling to break it, then came the noise of the sirens. I saw the ambulance pull up beside the alley and the men inside run out. The next half hour was a blur as police and paramedics rushed around the scene, firing questions at us and gathering up Seb's bloody body. Taichi and I were also sent on another ambulance to the hospital as I could hardly even stand up and they wanted to take a look at Taichi's head and jaw. By the time we got there I had blacked out, exhausted and deep in pain and sorrow. 

~*~   
Tai's POV

A bright beam of sun that slipped through a crack in the blinds hit my eyes. With a groan, I manage to roll away from it, fighting down a pounding headache. Those guys really hit me hard in the head yesterday. Wait a minute... yesterday... Seb.... _Yamato_! With a panicky feeling in my gut I snap open my eyes and shoot up in bed. Where is he? Yama, he's not here! Where am I? Where's Yamato? 

After one terrifying minute, I finally become aware of my surroundings and realize that the white room and bed signifies that I'm in a hospital. Oh... right. Now I remember. I must have finally fallen asleep last night after that big argument with the doctor over seeing Yamato. They hadn't let me, saying we were both too exhausted and they were still looking at Yama's injuries. He better be okay or I'll never forgive myself. I should have protected him yesterday, but once again I wasn't strong enough to be at his side and he had to face his fears alone. 

With another groan, I roll right out of bed onto my feet. There's no way I'm staying there when I don't know how Yamato's doing. My head still hurts, and my jaw's a bit stiff, but the doctor's analyzed that there was no broken bones or fractures or anything like that, so I figure I should be allowed out of my room. Fortunately I had been able to keep my own clothes on, so I didn't have to worry about wandering around the place in one of those ugly gown things. Still partly asleep, I stumble out of the room and down the hall, looking for a nurse to ask directions to Yamato's room. It must still be pretty early as the hallways are quiet, with only a few people walking around in a hurry. I was just about to shout out to a nurse in front of me when a voice called out from behind me, "Tai! Over here!" 

I turned around to see Takeru jogging down the hall toward me. Waving at him, I waited until he caught up to me, "Hey Takeru, What's up? Do you know where Yamato's room is?" 

"Yeah, you passed it already. Tai... Matt's pretty upset, you really need to talk to him and straighten it out." Takeru started to lead me back down the hall. 

"Straighten what out? What's wrong?" I cluelessly ask. 

Takeru stopped infront of a closed door, "Here it is. Well, he thinks you're mad at him, and he's been going on about not deserving you and stuff like that. From what I can make of it, he hurt you or something." His cerulean eyes look up at me questioningly. 

"Oh man... I had forgotten about that." I groan. Of course Yamato's upset, he punched my lights out yesterday. He probably thinks I hate him! Oh no, poor Yama. No kidding I've got to straighten it out. It was an accident, I know that. Without another word to the younger blonde, I open the door and hesitantly walk into the room. 

Blinking in the dim light, I finally spot Yamato curled up on the bed, back facing me. I carefully walk over to the bedside and kneel down beside him, "Yama-chan?" His muscles tense even more but he turns over with a reluctant sigh. 

We just stare at each other for a few moments, silent yet comforted by the company of one another. His sapphire eyes are widened and glistening with unshed tears, then suddenly he pulls his eyes away from my own, staring down at his bed sheets instead, "Taichi... I... Gomen nasai." He whispers, avoiding my gaze. 

With a smile, which he couldn't see at the moment, I reach over and place a hand on his shoulder, "Yama-chan, it's okay. It was an accident, I'm sure. I'll get over it." Yamato finally looks back up, but doesn't say anything. He looks so depressed, probably from guilt and all the crap that's gone on lately. Not that I've been that much of a help. "Remember how you're always telling me not to feel guilty about something I couldn't control? Well what you did was no where near as bad as what I did to you, so I don't want you to feel guilty about it either, okay? Yama-chan?" I squeeze his shoulder as he nods slowly, "Good." And to show him my appreciation I lean over and capture his soft lips in a gentle kiss. Yamato let out small, cute noise from the back of his throat and raked a slender hand through my mop of hair. Even after we both ran out of breath and had to back away a bit panting, he held me near with his now entangled grip. 

After a few minutes of silence again, my koi sighs and whispers in a sad voice, "I was so worried that... that you'd leave me for hurting you. Why _did_ you stay? I really ... really don't-" 

I cut him off hastily, not wanting him to start getting depressed again after I had just fixed that problem, "If you're going to say you don't deserve me, don't. I do not like to hear nonsense come out of your mouth. If anybody doesn't deserve the other right now, it's me. I hurt you first, and you still want to be with me, so why would it be any different the other way around? I love you Angel, and I'm not going to leave, so please just stop thinking about that alright?" 

Yamato lets out another sigh, then gives me a tiny smile, "Okay Taichi, anything for you." Then his expression darkens again, looking worried, "Taichi? I didn't... I didn't k-_kill_ him... did I? 'cause I know I wanted to, but I... I don't think that was a... a good idea now." 

It took me a few moments for me to think back on the information the doctors had given me last night, "No... no you didn't kill him, don't worry about that. I think he's critical care or something right now, but we cleared your name and all, you know, self defence and everything. They might want to ask you a few questions later to verify my statement, but that's all. You... you were really out of it yesterday." I hesitantly comment. 

"Yeah..." Yama nodded slightly, looking away again, "I really... am sorry. I don't know what got into me, but I just couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't let him... let him..." He gulped and went silent again. 

A bit confused, I just reached over and started stroking his hair gently, trying to calm him. It worked as he relaxed a little more. "Let him what Angel?" 

His blue eyes turned back to me and I was almost horrified at the amount of pain I could see in them, fresh tears building up in their depths, "He... he was going... going to do to you... what he... what he did to me. Oh Taichi... I just couldn't let him do that... it was terrible for me, I didn't want you to... to go through..." He cut off with a sob, and I quickly wrapped him in a tight hug. That bastard! No wonder Yamato went nuts. 

Shuddering at the thought of Seb's intentions, I held Yama until he calmed down a bit again, then whispered in his ear, "Angel... arigatou. You saved us, I'm just sorry I couldn't have helped out. But we're okay now and he can't hurt any of us. He's not getting out of jail that easily again, especially since he had had a restraint order. It's okay Yama-chan." He partially nodded against my chest, but didn't move. "You did a really good job yourself though, Yama-chan. I mean, the others, they ran like all hell was after them when they saw you stand up for yourself. I couldn't have done a better job myself!" I grin as the blonde finally pulls his head away. 

He sniffed, then gave me that half smile of his, "Yeah... I did get him pretty good, didn't I?" 

"Heh, that's for sure! Did anyone ever tell you, you have one hell of an arm on you?" His smile widened some more as the last of his tears faded. 

"No... even I didn't know I could swing like that." I let out a small laugh as he grins, then lean down again to melt into another heart thrilling kiss. I love the taste of my Yama, he's just so wonderful. Mmm... my new favorite hobby, making my Angel groan with pleasure. 

"Um... guys?" Takeru's voice interrupted my thoughts, as well as the giggling which sounded like it belonged to my sister. Too wrapped up in my attack on Yama's bottom lip, I just gave them a backward wave over my shoulder, not letting Yamato get away from me. Yamato just let out a low moan and gave in, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. 

"Tai, if you think you could take a few minutes for a breather, Dad wants to see you outside." That got my attention. With a gasp, I pull away and turn around to face two gaping kids. 

Behind me, Yamato sighed and sat up as I stood from the floor, "Dad's here? Shit... I haven't even spoken to him yet since I ran out on you guys. Is he mad, Kari?" 

"I... couldn't really tell. He looked torn between looking forward to killing you or to hugging you to death. Either way, you die." She shrugged as if it didn't matter to her, although I could make out the concern on her face. 

Yamato slipped his hand into my own and tried to give me a smile, just as worried about this as anyone was, "Ai shiteru." Was all he whispered. 

I give him a confident smile back, "Ai shiteru Yama-chan. I'll be back in a few minutes, so just keep Takeru and Kari company until then okay?" After he gave me his nod, I pulled out of his grasp and walked out the door, not feeling as confident as I looked. I _did_ disobey my father and run back to Odaiba after all, he really can't be too thrilled about that. 

When I got to the end of the hallway, my dad was waiting against the wall, expression blank and arms crossed in a very imposing stance. As I had no clue to what he was thinking at the moment, I remain silent and stare at the ground so I don't have to see his accusing stare. I'm in deep shit here, I just know it. He's always had a short temper. "Tai." He finally says in an unemotional tone. 

Taking a deep breath, I gather my courage and stand up straight, looking him right in the eye. There's no way I'm going to show fear in front of him. "Yes?" I shoot back in just as an unemotional voice. 

Suddenly I'm in his grip and being shaken by the shoulders until my teeth rattled. His voice was now full of anger, "What the hell were you thinking? Running off like that, scaring your mother half to death. Do you have any idea how worried we were, not knowing where you went? Well Taichi?! Answer me!" 

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry!" I choked out as I was still being whipped back and forth. Anything to get him to stop it! 

Abruptly I was let go and I heard my dad take a calming breath. I steadied myself, trying not to fall over in shock at what he had done. "Tai... sorry, I shouldn't have done that. But you honestly had us worried. And now... _now_ I find out you were almost raped and beaten like that Ishida boy!" 

I wince at the way he spat out my koi's name, but decide to let it go for the moment. No use making him even angrier. "Look dad... it really wasn't anything. I'm fine. And I am sorry for leaving like that at grandma's, but I _had_ to. You have to understand, Yama-chan _needed_ me, I didn't have a choice." 

"Yes you did, I'm sure his brother or parents could have taken care of whatever his problem was just fine." He growled, glaring at me once again. 

I sigh and shake my head, "You don't understand. Don't you think his brother tried to help? He needed _me_, and I did help him. Dad... I couldn't just leave him, I love him too much!" Suddenly I slam my mouth shut as I realize what I had just said. What a dumb thing to declare in front of my homophobic father! 

But to my surprise, he completely ignores the statement and changes the subject, "So you're okay... from yesterday I mean." 

I blink twice and nod, confused "Uh... yeah... just got a bump on the head, that's all." 

"Okay then. You going to stay here for awhile with Ishida?" My jaw drops open. What the hell? My dad is actually asking what I want to do? Maybe he's been taking drugs or something, this is so not like him. I think I was bugging out at him a little too long as he finally turned his look into another glare, "Well? I don't have all night son." 

Shaking my head to clear it, I try to hide some of my shock, unsuccessfully, "I... wha... You're not mad?" 

"Of course I'm mad," he snaps with an exasperated hand motion, "But what do you expect me to do? So far I haven't been able to keep you away from that boy for long, so what's the point in trying to do so now? I ground you to the house, I still come home to find you in his arms... I move you across the country and you run right back! It's no use. So are you staying or not?!" 

Wow... that was... interesting. He really means it! "Y-yeah... I guess I am. So I'm off the hook?" 

He snorts and shakes his head, "Of course not, you're still in trouble for what you did at grandma's, but we'll talk about those extra chores and limitations later. Tell Kari we're going home and you make sure you get someone to drive you, I don't trust those buses." With that he just turned around and walked back to the waiting room, leaving me to stare at his retreating back in surprise. 

I don't believe this... I really don't believe this! He's not going to make me stop seeing Yama! With a sudden whoop of happiness, I race back to the room and slam through the door. All three of the digidestined turn their wide eyes on me as I grin madly, "Hey Kari, dad's leaving, so get your butt out there!" 

"You're not coming?" She asked in surprise, "So he's not angry or anything?" 

"He was pretty mad, and I think I got a few extra things added to my list of chores and probably tv taken away, but that's it! He's given up!" I do a little victory dance thing and slide across the floor to sit beside a staring Yamato again. Kari just stood up and said goodbye before skipping out the door. "So Yama-chan, my beautiful, sweet Angel, what should we do to make up for that lost time?" 

Takeru groans from nearby and stands up as well from his chair, "Jeez, he's just as bad as Dais. I'm outta here. See ya Matt, I'll come back tomorrow with Dad to give you a lift home." We waved goodbye, and I turned back to face my smiling blonde Angel. 

"We are doing nothing koi, I think I'm too battered and exhausted right now to do anything." Yamato sighs and closes his eyes. Now that I actually take the time to notice, he does look pretty tired. I guess he was up earlier than I was, and after yesterday he deserves a rest. 

I take his hand up again and give it a squeeze, "I know. You should get some sleep, I'll hang around here, maybe go grab a snack or something." 

Yamato smiles with his eyes still closed, and mumbles, "Okay Taichi... be here when I wake up?" 

"Of course," I plant a gentle kiss on his forehead and watch his captivating features until his breathing slows into the rhythm of sleep. After kissing him again, I stand up and stretch. Time to go look for a vending machine, I want to be here when he does wake up, one of my favorite moments of being with him. Hmm... now that the big crisis' are over with, time to solve one last one... caramel or nuts? 

~*~   
Matt's POV

For the first time since my initial encounter with Seb, and not counting the previous drugs, I slept peacefully without a single memory of a dream. I woke up feeling refreshed, if still sore, and curious to find out how late it was. Sitting up a bit, I peer around the darkened room until I spotted the hunched over form on the chair beside the bed. Soft snores reached my ears as I easily recognized the mop of hair hanging over the figure's lap. Feeling a smile tug at my face, I sit up the rest of the way and look around for the time. Taichi's so faithful to me, staying here the whole time to keep my sleeping body company. It must have been so boring for that hyperactive teenager, too bad he's fallen asleep as I feel like talking now that I'm awake. Finally giving up on finding a clock in this room, I decide to get up and explore the hallways, see if anyone's out there. Swinging my legs over the bedside, I wince at the pain in my head and wonder if there's a nurse around to get a painkiller from. Noticing how I was dressed in one of those stupid hospital gowns, I start searching for my clothes and spot them in a neat pile on the table nearby. Once I've slipped into my shirt and pants, I quietly sneak out of the room, reluctant to wake Taichi up from his peaceful slumber. 

The halls were eerily silent and empty when I got out there, and as I walked slowly down the corridor I finally find a clock hanging on the wall. 2:55am, shit, no wonder nobody's up, I shouldn't even be up. But for some reason I'm really not feeling very tired at the moment, probably still hyped up from the previous events now that I've gotten a decent rest. Previous events... right. With a sigh I lean my back against the nearest wall, my knees suddenly feeling weak. It's still hard to really comprehend what I've done, beating up and almost killing Seb, going crazy and punching my poor koi. I don't know why he even wanted to talk to me after that, after I betrayed him like that. But I guess it's because we're in love and like me for him, he can forgive anything I've done, within reason. I wonder if he regretted ever coming back the first time and telling me he loved me, when he was smacked by my fist and sent to the ground, me not even sorry for what I had just done. He must have, hated me in that one moment, regretted ever falling in love with me. I hate myself for that whole afternoon... 

"Yama-chan?" A cracked, sleepy voice startles me and I cut off a fresh sob to look up from where I was now sitting with my head buried in my knees. Taichi was standing a few feet away, looking slightly disheveled and confused in the pale hospital light. "What're you doing out here?" 

"I..." What _was_ I doing here? Oh right... I had been looking for a clock, I wonder how long I've been sitting here now, hugging my knees to my chest. I must look really childish right now, "I didn't want to wake you up," I explain in a whisper. It wasn't a lie, I hadn't wanted to wake him. 

"Oh..." He shifted his weight, still seeming confused and just coming out of his half sleep state. Suddenly I realize that my cheeks were wet and quickly turn my face away, hoping he hadn't noticed. I scrub at the tears with a sleeve, why was I crying anyway? We had supposedly straightened out everything earlier, so there should be no reason to be acting like this in front of him now. Then I feel Taichi's warm body shove down next to mine and his arm hesitantly reach around my shoulders, pulling me into a sideways hug, "I wouldn't have minded to be woken up by you," his soft voice whispers in my ear as I lean my head on his shoulder. 

"It's really early... you looked tired." I whisper back, wondering at the same time _why_ we were whispering when there was no one around. 

He responds with a small nod, as if finally understanding something, and squeezes me tighter for a second, "Thanks." There was a few minutes of silence before he spoke again, "What're you thinking about?" 

I shrug uncomfortably, "Nothing." He knows very well what I'm thinking about. 

"Hmm..." Taichi sighs and pulls away a little, still keeping his arm around me, "I'm serious Yama-chan, I want to know. If you don't tell me, I can't help you." His eyes are full of seriousness for once, and concern. More worry that I don't deserve, least of all from him. 

I sigh as well, but am reluctant to lie when he trusts me so much, so I just ask him a question instead, "Why do you love me?" 

"What?" I don't think he was expecting that as his eyes widened and he pulled away even more. Then his eyes narrowed, "You're serious, aren't you?" I nod and remain quiet, curious as to how he would answer me. Taichi turned thoughtful, then brushed a hand over my cheek, "I love you because... well, it's hard to explain, it's just everything about you that I love. You're beautiful, and sensitive... thoughtful... and intriguing, and caring... and... and you love me. You're my Angel, I really can't tell you how much you mean to me, it's more than any words could describe. You, Yama-chan, are very special to me. Why did you want to know?" The light in his chocolate eyes showed me how much he meant everything he just said. I don't understand it... how does he see anything like that in me? I just... I just don't understand. 

"I was... just wondering if... if you ever..." I stutter, then pull away from him completely, burying my head once more in my knees. I'm doubting Taichi, my koi, isn't that a big no in a relationship? Doubt just leads to distrust and then fighting and finally a split up. I don't want to lose him, I love him too much. 

The silence is deafening, and I know Taichi is probably beating himself up right now over trying to figure out what he did wrong. Finally I hear him shift, then feel a light hand brush through my messy hair, "Oh Yama... I never stopped loving you for even a second. It was an accident, why should I blame you?" He sighs when I don't answer and rubs my back a little. I wish I understood love, how it works, how it keeps us together in even the toughest times. And Taichi... Taichi's just one of a kind. I'm sure anyone else would have given up on me by now with the way my moods just seem to appear out of nowhere with no predictability. I'm a mess... and he's still here for me. How can I doubt love like that? "I'm sorry Yama-chan... do you... do you want me to go?" 

"Go?! No!" I look up in shock to find him staring at me with watery eyes, his other hand trying to dig into the floor beside him. His face is tight with trying to hide his emotions, but his eyes are wide with confusion and pain. "Why...? Why would you want to go?" My voice is choked. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he really did doubt. 

I guess the meaning of my question got through to him as he suddenly cursed and shook his head, "No... no I don't want to leave you. I just thought... just thought maybe you were upset with me." He looks down to study the tiled floor and mumbles, "It's not like I'm much of a help to you anyway..." 

Not much of a help? Where the hell has _he_ been all this time? He's the only one who'd gotten me out of my depression and fears alive! "That's... that's not true. You're wrong Taichi. Don't say that..." 

"But Yama-chan, I haven't-" He tried to explain, but I quickly cut him off. 

"No! I don't want to hear it! Just shut up!" My voice is definitely not a whisper now. My irritated side is taking over again. I'm just so damned tired. Man... I really am. I must have been out here longer than I thought, and all this emotional stuff is really draining me. I stand up to storm back to my room, but sit right back down as a dizzy wave hits me. My head's throbbing again. I had mostly gotten rid of those horrible headaches, but I guess the beating in the head that I took yesterday didn't help the situation at all. "I'm sorry Taichi," I suddenly sob, feeling bad for yelling at him. He was just telling me how he felt, I had no right to refuse to listen to him. Holding my aching head in my hands, I miserably stare at the floor with watering eyes, "I-I didn't mean to... to d-doubt you..." 

Taichi is silent for awhile, and I'm starting to believe that he's going to just leave me again, it's the least I deserve. But before my fears could get too strong, I'm back in his strong arms, feeling safe once again. Taichi'll stay, he'll protect me. He's more of a help than he knows. "Shh... it's okay. I won't leave... remember, I promised?" He rocks me a bit, before I realize what he had said. 

Promise... ring... oh no... "The ring!" I push myself up out of his arms once again, ignoring the pounding in my head and stare at my fingers in horror. I had forgotten... it must have broke... when I was fighting. Oh no, please no. It broke, the promise broke! With a frantic cry I start running down the hall, maybe it didn't break, maybe it just slipped off. I've got to find it, I've just got to. It means a lot to me, I can't lose it. Oh Taichi, I'm sorry, I forgot. Taichi's yell follows me, but I can't stop. Breathing hard, unnoticed tears running in torrents down my face, I race past the front desk and a startled nurse and skid into the front door. I can't get through it! It's locked, they fucking locked the doors! What am I going to do? Let me out, I have to get that ring back, Taichi will never forgive me! 

Pounding on the door, I slip to my knees as a sharp headache starts to wear me down. "Yama... Yama-chan... what... what the hell... is going on?" Taichi pants behind me as I'm dragged away from the door and cradled in his arms once again. I try to struggle for only a second before giving in. It's gone... I'm not going to get it back. How could I be so careless? I curl up tighter into Taichi's body, sobbing apologies while trying to gain some sense. Stupid headache, I can't think. "Yama-chan... angel... I don't understand. What're you so upset over? Come on, quit this and talk to me, please?" Unable to answer out loud with the turmoil that was going on in my head, I just hold up my hand to him, showing him my empty finger, "What... oh. Oh... Yama-chan, it was just a ring, an object. I can get you a new one if it means that much to you." He's right, just a ring, a stupid, pointless, useless ring... which I had loved to wear. When I stay quiet, trembling against his embrace, Taichi moves his arms and lifts me up, cradling me against his chest, "I'm bringing you back to bed Angel, you're exhausted. Everything will seem so much better when you've had a good sleep, okay?" 

"Hai," I answer softly, hugging him tighter around the shoulders. I am really tired, and maybe some sleep will get rid of this damned headache as well. I'm carried back past the confused looking nurse, and to my room where I'm gently laid back on my bed. I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.   


(A/N) Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I'll keep going on this ^_^   
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYONE!! I'll be back to writing by the end of August most likely, see ya!   



	8. The Strength Of Love

HoldingOn8(2).html A/N: Wow, this must be months overdue! Sorry for the (loooong) wait, but after I got back from holidays school started and everything just got so busy. But hey, its here now right? Oh well, hope you enjoy this part, and are prepared for more angst and Taito fluff! 

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything here but the plot, and sadly never will.   


~*~   
**Holding On: Part 8**   
~*~ 

Tai's POV

It was the burning sunlight leaking through the cracks of the blinds that woke me up the next day, my head pounding in protest against the brightness. With a groan I try to turn over in bed, only to find out I'm not in one but on a chair where I must have fallen asleep the night before while looking after Yamato. Damn, no wonder my back is killing me. Finally figuring that I won't get comfortable enough to fall to sleep again I open my eyes a crack to scan the room. My gaze falls on a puff of golden hair sticking out from under the blankets on the bed where Yama is trying to hide from the sun. A smile finds its way to my face as I watch the lump move slightly with my love's even breathes of sleep, then I tenderly reach over to run a hand through his soft locks of gold, enticing a small sigh from my koi's blanketed form. I guess I should just let him sleep; he needs it, especially after last night. From the exhausted state he was in yesterday night, or very early this morning, I bet he sleeps 'till really late in the day today. Maybe he'll feel a lot better about everything when he wakes up again. I hope so anyway. 

There was a small knock on the door before it slowly creaked open and a blonde head poked through. When Takeru saw that I was awake and watching him, he gave me a grin and slid all the way into the room. "You're finally up! How's my brother?" He asked while sitting on the chair across from me. 

I give him a reassuring smile, "Not bad. He's still sleeping, probably won't get up until noon or something." 

The younger boy gives me a strange look and a small laugh, "Tai, it _is_ noon. That's why I came to see if you were hungry or something. When I was here half an hour earlier you were both knocked out cold." I just blink in surprise. I'm never one to sleep in that late when I'm in such an uncomfortable position, I guess last night wore me out as well. "Anyway, don't worry about it, food is on the way. I left Dais in the line at the cafeteria. He'll bring us some sandwiches and stuff soon." 

With a nod I lean back in my chair and let out a large yawn, then grumble as my stomach starts making its own noise, "well he better hurry up, I'm starving." I wince as the bump on the back of my head hits the chair, and have to shift to get comfortable again. I had taken quite a hit from that gang on my head, but fortunately they hadn't cracked my skull or anything stupid like that. All I needed was to take it easy and carry around a bottle of Tylenol with me. My jaw was still a little stiff as well, but it wasn't as bad as I had first thought, just bruised. Yamato was a little worse off than me, with bruises covering his stomach, ribs and arms from where he had been beat up by Seb. 

"A little help here people!" A muffled yell was heard through the door and Takeru scrambled out of his chair to open it. Daisuke came strutting into the room carrying two trays full of sandwiches and juice boxes, grinning as he set them down on the small table by the bed, "It's okay everybody, the great Daisuke is here, you're saved from the horrible slow death of starvation! No pictures please! Man you wouldn't believe how expensive that place is for this crap they call food. Oh, by the way, here's your wallet back Tai!" 

I caught my wallet with a yelp as it was tossed my way, " Why the hell do you have this?!" 

The irrepressible goggle headed boy gave me a 'what planet are you from' look, "Like I said, the place   
is expensive. I figured since you're going to eat half the food, you can pay for half of it too. Besides, it's   
nice to share." His grin widened as my face soured. 

"Some would call it stealing." I grumble before grabbing the first plastic wrapped sandwich off of the closest tray. Baloney, how original. Oh well, I'm not picky when it comes to food. 

As I finished unwrapping my lunch and started into it, Daisuke collapsed into the chair that Takeru had recently abandoned and happily grabbed his own sandwich. He pulled a face as he looked at the label, "Gross, egg salad." But he unwrapped it anyway, being a lot like I am. 

Takeru, after a worried glance at his brother, gave a sigh and sat down on the floor in front of Daisuke, leaning back against the other's legs. He didn't touch the food. Of course, his boyfriend noticed this right away, as unobservant as he usually is, and leaned down to whisper in Takeru's ear. I couldn't hear what he said, but I'm guessing it was along the lines of what the matter was. Takeru shook his head silently, causing Daisuke to echo the blonde's earlier sigh and lean back while keeping his fingers running comfortingly through the blonde hair. The bright blue eyes turned my way with a pleading look in them, "Tai... Matt's going to be okay right? I mean... I heard about what happened last night from some excited nurse and all..." 

"He'll be fine, he was just tired, that's all." I respond quietly, looking away so that he can't see my own concerned eyes. Why is he asking me a stupid question like that, he's the one with the crest of Hope after all, not me. But I swear I will make sure that Yamato will be okay with all that I have to give, I refuse to let him give up so easily. 

Half an hour later, after we were finished munching on our lunch of cafeteria sandwiches, there was movement from the bed beside me. Ah, finally, the first sign of life. Eagerly I turned my attention away from the conversation I had been having with Takeru, anticipating the warm feeling of watching my koi wake up. The lump under the blankets moved, then went still. No, he wasn't quite still, he was shivering. Something's wrong, why wasn't he trying to come out from under his covers? It was like Yamato was afraid to come out or something... or maybe, maybe he's scared of where he is right now. Shit, I'd almost forgotten, he's claustrophobic. Most likely he doesn't even know where he is at the moment. Without another thought, I quickly reach over to free him from his latest nightmare. Don't worry my Yama, I'm here to help you through any problem as much as I possibly can. 

*** 

Matt's POV

Soft voices were the first thing that I became aware of when my mind started to come back to me out of the dazed fog of sleep. A slight murmur, then someone let out a low giggle, continuing to talk quietly afterwards. I couldn't make out the words, but it was comforting to know that there were some people out there anyway. Maybe I should get up now, see who it is. Carefully I open my eyes and see... nothing. It was dark, but not the type of darkness that comes with night, it was instead a dark of an enclosed space. A deep, thick black that seems to surround your very soul and suffocate your mind. At least that's how it was to me, and that's one of the things I fear most. Fuck, where am I? Why is it dark? I want out, I want out now! 

Trying to take a deep breath, and failing miserably, I reach up above me to try to figure out where I was. My hand hit something soft but unyielding. I couldn't get through. My body went very still, shaking as the realization of my predicament, whatever it was, hit me. I need to know where I am! It's too dark, I can't breath in this. Oh god, I want to get out. It feels like I'm in a coffin or something. Please... please... 

And then there was light. And I mean that literally. One second I was staring, terrified, into pitch black, and the next I had to throw a hand over my eyes as blinding sunlight hit them full force. I was out... oh thank whatever gods are up there. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and my hand that was covering my eyes was still shaking. Any longer in there and I think I would have started to scream. Why the hell am I still so fucking afraid? 

"Yama-chan? It's okay, I'm here." Taichi! It's him! Just hearing his voice calms me down somewhat, giving me some relief in the back of my mind. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone here. 

Slowly I slide my hand away from my eyes, blinking in the change of lighting, and am able to make out a large haired form leaning over me. As the focus becomes clearer, I could see the concern on his face. He's always got such cute expressions. At that thought, I can't help but smile brightly at my boyfriend and reach up a hand to run it along his cheek to prove to myself that he was really there, "Hey Taichi, what're you still doing here?" I ask softly, never taking my eyes from his own deep, sparkling ones, revelling in their warmth. Sometimes I think that he's one of the only reasons I am actually still alive. I love him so much. 

His own face brightens with a warm smile, full of relief, as he covers the hand that I have on his cheek with his own, leaning into my touch, "Just wanted to keep you company." He knows I'd rather not talk about my latest claustrophobic attack, choosing to just follow my lead and make light talk instead. It's surprising how much he's changed from the 'act before thinking' boy from the digimon world days. 

"Okay, enough of the fluff. You hungry Matty boy?" The sound of Daisuke's voice made me turn in surprise, noticing the other two boys in the room for the first time. The goggle boy was leaning forward in another chair at the foot of my bed, while my younger brother was standing quietly to the side, looking decidedly uncomfortable. 

All it took was one look at the soggy, plastic wrapped mess that Daisuke was holding out to me to make my stomach turn over in a sickening way. I hate cafeteria food with a passion, and especially refuse to touch sandwiches that have probably been sitting on some hot shelf for days before it was bought. With a disgusted look at the offending sight, I shake my head rather quickly, "Uh... no thanks, that's okay. I'm really not that hungry. And stop with that stupid name, I hate it." Daisuke just shrugs and opens the sandwich, gobbling it up with a 'your loss', making me give him another disgusted look. Finally I turned back to look at Takeru who still hadn't said anything, but was giving me one of his own concerned looks. "Hey squirt, what's up?" 

"I should be the one asking you that question! What were you thinking last night?" The anger and worry in his bright blue eyes surprised me. Feeling a bit put off by the outburst, I look up to give a hurt and accusing look to Taichi. How could he? 

When the brunette noticed my look, he quickly shook his head, "I didn't tell him, honest. He found out from some nurse." Well good, as long as Taichi wasn't blabbing out all my secrets. 

I give Takeru a sarcastic smile and shrug, "Guess I was just tired and felt like acting more psychotic than usual. Anyway, I'm a freak, so I'm allowed to do things like that, right?" Don't even ask what it was that made me say that, but I really did not like being questioned about my pathetic ways. 

As expected, all three of the others stared at me with shock in their faces, then Taichi grabbed my face to make me look at him, anger and confusion written into his emotions, "Don't you ever say that again Yamato! You're not a freak, and I don't like to hear you talk like that." He glared at me with hurt filled eyes, making me feel bad about even opening my mouth in the first place. 

"Sorry Taichi, and Takeru. I shouldn't have said that." I apologized quietly, looking away from Taichi andhis disappointment. Way to go Matt, you managed to darken the mood, as usual. 

"Well... I'm sorry too Matt, I shouldn't have started like that. I'm just worried, you know? But you're feeling better now right?" 

This time I try to give Takeru a real smile, and hiding my fears of the future I answer calmly, "Yeah, much better, thanks." 

Takeru gave me a smile back, quickly stepping forward to wrap me up in a brotherly embrace, "That's good. I don't like to hear you say those things either. I love you Oniichan." He stood back with a grin as I tried to hide my blush. "Anyway, I told dad I'd go notify him when you woke up. We can go home today, as long as you take it easy. Coming Dai-chan?" Daisuke eagerly nodded and stood up, wiping breadcrumbs from his khakis, before trailing my brother out the door with a grin at the two of us over his shoulder. 

My attention remained on the closed door long after it was shut, just thinking about nothing in particular, until Taichi's voice brought me back to the present, "You don't really think that, do you? That you're a freak?" I knew he was going to ask me about that. That's sometimes the one problem with Taichi as the holder of the crest of Courage, he never likes to let something drop, always has to keep at it until he gets some answers. 

Slowly I look up at Taichi, seeing the expected worry, then looked away with a sigh, "Taichi, I almost had a heart attack just because I was tucked under a pile of stupid bed covers. I definitely would not call that normal." I told him in a flat tone, not giving away any emotion. I hate coming out with my fears like this, it's so uncomfortable. Back before the Digiworld thing, even during it, I would hardly even consider letting out my feelings for the rest of the world to know about, but for some reason it was different now. It was almost a relief to let Taichi help me out, or at least listen to what I have to say. Maybe that's one of the benefits of a relationship. 

There was a bit of tense silence for the next few moments before Taichi let out his breath in one big whoosh. What the heck, was he holding it in or something? I felt him run the tips of his fingers along my cheek and jaw line, but couldn't let myself react in the way I wanted to as I did not know what he was thinking. Finally he mumbled, "Did you know it was only bed covers?" I just shake my head a bit, choosing to keep silent. Taichi echoes my earlier sigh, his hand now entangled in my mussed up hair, massaging my scalp slowly, "You've got claustrophobia, it's normal to get scared in a dark place when you haven't a clue as to what's going on. Lot's of people have that fear, it doesn't make you a freak." Let's just say I wasn't convinced. When I get into this type of mood, it takes a lot to make me think otherwise to my ideas of what's what. 

"Then what about all of the other stuff?" I whisper, not even sure that he could hear me. Of course I didn't get the chance to find out as it was at that moment that my dad decided to show up, Takeru and Daisuke following right behind him. 

Before saying anything, my father gave me a good, long look as he tried to figure out how I was doing. Obviously deciding there was nothing he could do at the moment for me anyway, he took my jacket and bag from the closet, "Get up Matt, time to move out. You'll probably feel a lot better once we get you out of this place." I agreed with him fully on that one. I've really come to despise hospitals during the past couple of months or so. Tai nodded absently as he stood up from the chair, holding out his hand to me once he was up. Grudgingly I took it, knowing my bruised body was going to be painful for the next few weeks anyway, no need to make it worse by being stubborn about a little help. At least it wasn't quite as bad as the first time this happened. No, don't think of that! 

"Matt? You okay?" I looked up to find everybody giving me the usual worried looks, something else that I was starting to get sick of. A shrug and a smile seem to work for the moment as I allow myself to be supported by my boyfriend, one of his arms around my midsection to keep me steady. Dammit... there's this one stupid bruise at the bottom of my ribs that seems to be tearing at my skin every time it moves. Man, it hurts. Well, just take a steady breath and hope Taichi doesn't notice my heavier breathing. I think he does though, by the way he sends me one of his looks and loosens his hold a little. I give him a small, grateful smile, just to please him and make sure he doesn't think I'm in too much pain. 

We made it out of the building within twenty minutes, after Dad spoke with the doctor and checked me out at the front desk. The one nurse kept giving me the weirdest looks, I'm assuming she either heard about or saw my episode the night before. Great, the whole damned hospital probably knows about that by now. I'm such a loser. 

Throughout the entire fifteen-minute car trip to my apartment building, after dropping Takeru and Daisuke off at Mom's place, Taichi remained in his unusually quiet state, which was starting to worry me. He was absently massaging the back of my neck while staring out of the side window, a thoughtful frown placed on his face. Trying to ignore the oddity of this behaviour, I just leaned into his soothing fingers and tried to put all miserable thoughts out of my mind. At the building, I eagerly followed the other two guys up the elevator, leaving the carrying of the bags to them who had no aching, bruised   
arms, and unlocked the door to the apartment that me and my dad share. For once the mess was a welcoming sight, as I hoped never to see another pure white wall or floor again. 

I picked my way over a few piles of dirty clothes that were laying in my path before placing myself on the couch, careful not to hit any of my large bruises. Behind me, Taichi dropped our school bags with a thump, and sat down beside me, frowning at the blank television. My dad, after making sure I was alright, disappeared off into one of the other rooms, presumably to get some of his latest story laid out. After another ten minutes of the unnerving silence, I grabbed the remote from the table in front of me and turned on the television, volume up loud. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Taichi jump in surprise and turn to look at me as I fought to keep my face blank. Taichi has never been this quiet for as   
long as I've known him, it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's obvious he's thinking hard about something, but just what that something is, is starting to bother me. Is he thinking about our relationship? Maybe he thinks... No. No, he promised, he wouldn't... would he? Promise made, promise broken... just like that ring. 

The sound of Taichi's voice breaking his strange silence startled me out of my frightening thoughts, "Yama-chan... you're shivering, 'you cold?" His arm slid around my middle comfortingly, despite the quick shake of my head, and allowed me to curl up into his side. Quite warm now, and a bit less worried about the future while cuddled with the one I loved, I let out a long sigh to release most of the tension that had built up inside of me. "I will never leave you, my Yama." 

Surprised, I jerk up to give him a wide-eyed stare. It was like he had been reading my thoughts! "How...?" was all I managed to choke out, but Taichi just gave me a soft grin and reached out to cup my cheek. 

"I know you well enough to figure out what's going on in that frightened mind of yours Yama-chan. Well, most of the time anyway. But you trust me, don't you? You know I won't just dump you after all we just went through?" His melting eyes pleadingly held my own gaze, not allowing me to look away without giving a satisfying answer. Of course there was only one way I could answer. If I didn't trust my Taichi by now, I never would, and there would be no way this relationship would work if there was distrust between us. 

"Aishiteru Taichi, of course I trust you," I smile, and he smiles back, relief evident in his expression. But I wasn't about to let him get off that easily. Snuggling back into his arms, feeling safer than ever before, I posed my own question, "What were you thinking about?" 

"Thinking about? Oh. Nothing really." He shrugged, trying to let the subject go for some reason, but I was going to have none of that. Tilting my head up so that he could see my face, I gave him a glare as best as I could from my position. Taichi tried ignore me for a few minutes, but finally gave up. "I was thinking about you." 

My glare changed into confusion, "Me? Why were you thinking about me? What did I do?" 

"Do? Nothing!" He laughed, hugging me tighter, "I was just thinking... well, about you in general." 

"What d'ya mean, me in general?" I was now starting to become suspicious. What was he hiding? General, my ass. 

When there was no answer to the last question, I looked back up at Taichi, and found him giving me a strange look. Then he gave a small cough and looked away, "Uh... are you hungry? You haven't eaten anything since yesterday at lunch." What...? He's changing the subject purposely! Taichi... Why won't you tell me what your problem is!? "Come on, I'll look for something for our dinner." With a sigh I reluctantly oblige as he tries to stand up. If Taichi doesn't want to talk to me about his thoughts, then I can't make him. Anyway, now that I think about it, I am really hungry. 

*** 

Taichi's POV

Leaving Yamato on the couch I enter the kitchen, but instead of grabbing some food right away I lean against the counter, resting my head against a wooden cupboard. Kuso, I'm so worried about him. This isn't the way things should be turning out right now. Seb's gone, Yamato got his revenge, he's out of the hospital, and as far as I can see Yamato should be getting better! I guess I shouldn't be expecting him to get over all that pain in one day, but still... I mean, what does he have to be afraid of anymore? I'm here, I won't let anybody hurt him, and I really doubt that even if Seb did get out of jail years from now that the bastard would want to mess with Yama now. My koi was supposed to be happy with these results, but then there was that freak out last night and again this morning He's really scaring me, what if he   
can't get better? What if he's afraid of everything for the rest of his life? I don't know how he'll be able to handle that. 

Cursing silently under my breath, I tear open the 'fridge door and stare blankly at its contents. There's got to be a way to help him, there's just got to be. I want to help, so bad that it hurts, but I just don't know how. So far as I can see, Yama's still afraid of the dark and enclosed spaces, still putting himself down worse than ever, and still almost unconsciously pushing people away from himself. And considering all of that, I'm sure he's still scared to death of going out into the world alone with all of those strangers surrounding him. But what can I do? What the _fuck_ can I _do_?! 

"Taichi? You okay in there?" Yamato timidly calls from the front room, making me realize he could probably hear the pounding of my fist against the side of the refrigerator. Recollecting my thoughts, I quickly take out a pot of leftover chicken fried rice. "I'm fine Yama-chan, just found some rice for us. I'll be out in a sec," I call back just to reassure him. Dividing some of the rice into two bowls, I add two pairs of chopsticks before hurrying the food back to where the blonde   
was waiting. He didn't say a word as I hand him his bowl and sit down next to him on the couch, but just watched me silently with a blank face. It's obvious he knows I'm upset about something. 

Giving Yamato a grin, I set about eating my rice, deciding not to get into anything on an empty stomach. Yamato just sort of picks at his own rice with the chopsticks, adding a few grains of rice into his mouth every few minutes. I'm finished my food before he's even a quarter of the way into his, worrying me even more as he's the one who hasn't eaten anything yet today. "If you don't like the rice, I can get you something else Yama-chan," I offer with a hopeful smile. 

Yamato jerks his head up when he hears my voice and gives me a small frown, then shakes his head, "No this is okay." He forces another bite full into his mouth as if to prove his point. Looks like he's not about to tell me what's wrong anytime soon. 

With a sigh I set my empty bowl on the small table in front of the couch and lay back to think. I haven't the slightest clue as to how to go about helping my Yama to stop being afraid. And I can't tell him how scared I am for him, and for us, because it would just frighten him even more, I've got to remain strong for him. This is all just giving me one hell of a headache. Yamato has stopped eating again when I finally look back over at him, his bowl only half empty, and he's just tensely staring off into space. "Yama?" I break the silence once again, hating the thought that he might be hurting inside right now. He doesn't answer or even shift his gaze, but his hand holding the bowl tightens its grip. Genuinely troubled at the behaviour of my koi now, I slide off of the couch and kneel in front of the quiet teen, reaching up with one hand to cup the side of his face. "Angel?" I try again. Finally his eyes gain a little focus as he stares straight at me, but he still refuses to speak. "What's the matter?" 

Yamato blinks once, then turns away with a shrug, "It's nothing." It's not 'nothing', and I know it, but I really don't want to push him to talk, especially since it would most likely only bring up his defences. Then struck by a sudden inspiration, I grab his hand and pull him to his feet. "Taichi?" He looks at me in confusion as I pull him towards the sliding doors that lead out to the balcony. "Taichi, what do you think you're doing?" 

Giving Yamato a soft smile, I just take his shoulders and push him towards the balcony railing, and remain standing behind him as I sweep my hand over the landscape, "Just look." He'll get better one of these days, I just know it now. All I have to do is bring out that life inside of him that he is keeping locked up. All I have to do is find the key. 

Trying to pull away, Yamato only manages to turn his head a bit and ask me with a bit of sarcasm, "And just what am I looking for?" 

"No, you're not looking for anything. Just look at everything." I tell him, whispering gently in his ear. Yamato gives a tiny shiver before turning back to the view of the surrounding city full of buildings and busy people rushing about in a hurry. We silently stare over the land for a bit before Yama sighs and leans back against me. Gladly I wrap my arms around his thin waist to support him and rest my chin on his shoulder. 

Yamato sighs again and mutters solemnly, "I still don't understand." 

"I just wanted you to see... what you're missing..." I pause, stumbling for words as his body starts to tense up again. "The world's not all bad, my Yama-chan, just some little parts of it. It's pretty miserable to stay cooped up in this house 24-7, and there's just so much more out there in the city to do. Don't you want to get better Angel?" My voice wavers a bit with the end sentence, afraid that he isn't even trying to overcome his fears anymore. 

The blonde head turns as he tries to see my expression, and in response I just softly kiss his pale cheek. "I... I do... I want to get better Taichi, but it's just... it's hard. Everything has changed." He says the last part almost bitterly, resenting who he has become. I wait for him to continue, and soon he does, quietly trying to reason with his feelings, "It's hard to... to understand how I could just let go... of all the pain and stop thinking about... about how others could be thinking... of hurting me again. I don't know if... if I can... do it." 

I hug him closer, trying ease away his fears, "You can, my koibito, I know you can. You just have to try. But if you keeping hiding like this, you'll never be able to face anybody again, and that darkness might... it could hurt you even more than... than anything else." The last part comes out cautiously, I know he doesn't like to talk about that, but I have to make him see. 

Silence reigns again for the next few minutes before Yamato answers, his voice choked with emotion, "I could... I could try. For you Taichi..." He stops, then suddenly turns in my grasp to face me. I'm shocked by the fear showing in his icy gaze as he speaks again, "Taichi... I love you so, so much and and I need to know that..." Breaking off, he grabs me in a tight embrace, burying his head against my shoulder. All I can do is stand there with my own arms around him, confused by this irrational behaviour. Then he sobs out, surprising me even further, "You... wouldn't leave m-me... wou-would   
you? Please don't... if I'm st-still too... too a-afraid... you can't... you c-can't leave... I-I can't h-help it..." 

"Oh no... no Yama." I clutch him tightly to my chest, hating the thought of him being afraid that I'll leave him just because of some stupid fears he has. "I won't, I will never leave you, I've already told you that. I said I wouldn't just dump you off after all that, and I meant it. I don't care about anything else, just you. Please stop crying, you can't get too overworked right now." Yamato just nods against me and mutters grateful words between hiccups. It takes a little while for him to gain control of himself, and I wait, patiently rubbing his back and telling him how much I love him. When his tears finally start to come to a stop, he sniffs and hugs me tighter before looking up into my face with tear brightened ocean eyes. Without a word I touch my lips to his reddened cheeks, kissing away the wet salt. "We won't go out   
until you're ready, my Angel, okay?" Slowly he lets out a half smile and pushes his gentle lips against my own, wrapping his arms around my neck. 

"Okay." He whispers as we pull apart, "Thank you." I smile in response, running a hand through his mussed hair, and start to lead him back into the apartment. My beautiful, wonderful koi. We can get through this now that the main threat is over, but it'll just have to take some time. 

*** 

Matt's POV

Humming along to some American song on the radio with a really cool beat, I finish drying the last of the dishes and throw the dishrag into the sink. It's Saturday, just over a week since I got out of the hospital for, hopefully, the last time. Both Taichi and I got the week to recover, and now I'm pretty much dreading the thought of school on Monday. But for the moment I've stuck that out of my mind and am concentrating on just enjoying my weekend. It's a beautiful day outside, not a cloud in the deep blue sky, and the sunlight is streaming in through the windows warming up the apartment. 

After turning up the volume on the radio I head into the living room to take a look around. I've spent the whole morning   
cleaning up the pigsty that my father and I live in, just for something to do, and satisfied with my work I take the opportunity to flop down on the couch. My dad's gone for the day because of some hot news story that he needs to get on the air, but I'm expecting Taichi to show up within the next half hour after he's done with his own chores that his parents stuck him with. I grin just thinking about how Tai is probably stuck taking out the garbage at the moment and tormenting his whole family with his whining and groaning. He's just so adorable when he sulks. 

Leaning back into the couch cushions, I listen dreamily to the music floating through the room, just thinking about some of the great times I've had with my Taichi. Then I jerk up and look over the back of the couch towards the door. Did I just hear a knock? It's hard to tell over the loud music. Ah, there it is again, Taichi's here! Unable to contain my widening smile, I quickly walk over to the door and unlock it. Instantly I'm grabbed by a pair of arms into a tight hug before I even get the chance to see who it is. But the sudden flutter of fear is calmed when my koi's voice starts up in my ear, "Yama- chan! How're you doing?" He gives me a soft kiss on the lips before pushing me back through the   
door. I just smile and lean my forehead against his shoulder, content to just listen to him go on about the horrors that his parents made him go through today. He's still paying for what he did to his family weeks earlier. At least they aren't upset by our relationship any longer. "So, do you have any plans for today?" Taichi catches my attention once again and I pull away to turn down the radio so we can at least hear what the other has to say. 

With a shake of my head and a shrug, I lead us back to the couch. "No, 'just thought we'd do whatever." 

"Hmm, as interesting as 'whatever' sounds," Taichi's grin turns cat-like, and I blush at how that had sounded, "I thought we could go get some ice cream. It's great outside, too nice to just stay here all day." 

Hesitantly I look away, not sure yet if I was ready to face the crowd. Although I have to admit I'm feeling better today than I've felt in ages, and I'll have to get used to people sometime soon with school coming up in a couple of days. "Where?" 

"Just at the park, they've got some great ice cream there. We don't have to, though, if you don't want to. Its just a suggestion." He shrugs as if it doesn't matter, but I know he's hoping for a better response than the one I gave him a few days ago. 

Thinking hard for a moment, I lay my head against my boyfriend's shoulder and try to decide how I feel about going out right now. Its Saturday, which means there'll be many people at the park now. But on the plus side, I'll have Taichi with me the whole time, keeping me safe from everything. And he really is trying to help me, I shouldn't just push this away. "Alright, just let me get changed." My answer seems to brighten him up even more while Taichi eagerly nods his head in agreement. 

It took a little while for me to find something suitable to wear, meaning a black t-shirt and black pants, and to comb my hair into shape, but finally I was ready to go. Taichi was already waiting by the door and he started grinning as soon as he saw me, "Gods, you're beautiful, you know that angel?" My only answer is a huge blush as I tug on my shoes. I still don't know what he finds so beautiful about me, especially after all that has happened. 'Course, I'm not complaining.   
Taichi chuckles a bit at my reaction, then settles his hand on my waist as we exit the apartment together. It's great to feel his body next to mine, and his closeness helps to vanquish my fears. Nothing bad can happen now with my Taichi beside me, right? Quickly I prepare myself as we step into the elevator, blanking my mind for the ride. I absolutely hate these box like things, but this ride is only for a minute so I can handle it, barely. Any longer in it and my claustrophobic mind would probably kick into gear. 

"Ah shit." Jerked out of my thoughts on not panicking, I look over at Taichi with a questioning stare. Then I notice how the elevator doesn't seem to be moving any longer. Fearfully I look at the floor indicator overhead and realize that we seem to have stopped between floors. Oh Kami-sama, this can't be what it seems. Feeling my body start to shake, I watch in a daze as Taichi frantically hits the emergency call button. A woman's voice comes over and he explains the situation. 

"Don't worry, its just a minor glitch in the electricity flow. We'll have it running again within the next ten minutes. It often happens with these old elevators." The voice informs us confidently. 

Slowly Taichi nods and turns to me, "Yama... you going to be okay?" I start to nod, but freeze up as I turn to stare pleadingly at the doors, willing them to open and let me out. No such luck. We're trapped. Ten minutes goes by a hell of a lot slower when the walls seem to be closing in on you. 

Okay... calm down... I won't panic... Oh god, the cables... they're going to snap, I just know it. They're going to snap and we'll plummet to our death just because we're stuck in a tiny fucking box like a couple of damned birds in a cage! "Tai..." I swallow the bile rising in my throat from fear and try again, my heart pounding until it hurt, "Taichi... I... I need to... to get out... now. It's... I can't... Please, just GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" So much for not panicking. Lurching towards the sealed metal doors, I start trying to pry them open with my fingers, "I need out, let me out of here, 'can't breath," my mutters are hardly noticed by myself while I shake in terror. 

He's beside me, trying to calm me down, "Yama-chan, it's okay, we're-" 

"No its NOT OKAY! Get me out... oh pl-please..." Shimatta... Kami help me, I just want to be able to breath! 

"Yama... you're hyperventilating, take deep breathes okay? I don't want you to pass out on me. Look, it's already been five minutes, half way there. We'll be off in no time. We're safe, I won't let you get hurt here." He's doing his best to stay calm himself, but I can hear the fear in his voice. Maybe Taichi didn't realize just how afraid I really am. The walls... oh man... they're closing in... Deep breathes... Taichi said to breath... but how can I when there's no air!? 

With a half groan and half sob, I collapse to the floor, holding my head as I concentrate on not fainting. I can barely feel Taichi's arms wrapped tightly around me as he keeps talking nonsense, probably trying to distract me. We're trapped, we are going to die in here, I'm positive. By the time the car finally moves and the door opens, I'm a complete wreck. Taichi needs to drag me up from the floor and carry me out of the elevator, setting me on the floor against the wall. Faintly I hear him asking me if I'm okay, but I'm too busy trying to breath to answer. It hurts... just leave me alone. Suddenly I'm being shaken, breaking me out of my trance and the air rushes into my lungs. Greedily I gulp it down, ignoring Taichi's   
sigh of relief. 

For awhile both me and Taichi are quiet, his arm tightly hugging me to him as he sits beside me. Meanwhile I'm just trying to come to my senses. "Yama-chan, I... You okay now?" He sounds very worried, I probably gave him a heart attack in there. Slowly I lift up my head a bit and crack open my eyes to take a peek at him. He looks ready to cry. "I'm so sorry Angel, I had no idea that would happen. Next time we'll just take the stairs." With a sigh he slides me into his lap to rub my back and wait for me to regain my strength to move. An old couple walking past gives us a weird look, but we just ignore them. It's hard for me to be afraid at all when Taichi holds me like this, so soon I feel the previous scare slip away, leaving me with a cold feeling. "Do you think you could stand up now?" Silently I nod, letting Taichi pull me up to my feet. I lean against him for support, still breathing heavily. 

"'wasn't you're fault." I quietly tell him, just in case he thinks I'm going to blame him. Stupid elevator, never again will I go on one of those. Not after what just happened. Great, another weakness to add to my long list. 

Taichi sighs and kisses my forehead gently, "I guess you won't want to be going out now. Think you can handle the stairs back up?" There's a hint of disappointment in his voice. I look at him in surprise. Heading back to my apartment does sound very tempting, but now that I'm feeling calmer I realize how stupid and weak that would be. I go through that just to go back upstairs? I don't think so. Shaking my head I push away from Taichi and lace my fingers with his own. 

"No, I... I was kind of looking forward to ice cream." I smile at the shocked look on his face. My stomach still feels queasy, but I'm not going to give up that easily, especially after how long it took just to want to do this again. Besides, nobody will dare come near me with Taichi at my side. At least that's what I keep telling myself so as not to chicken out. 

"You sure Yama-chan?" I nod, trying to act like I wasn't nervous at all. Maybe it would be better just to go back and lie down, let my nerves relax. But when I see Taichi's glowing smile, I push those thoughts back, sure that I'm doing the right thing. "Alright then, but you just tell me whenever you feel like you can't handle it okay?" He's worried now, but I nod again and take a step towards the front doors, eager to get out into the fresh air. 

When we stepped out onto the open sidewalk, the sunlight made me stop and blink, trying to gather my wits. Taichi tightens his hand around mine and I look up at him in surprise. We're in public, what if someone we know sees us? Isn't he afraid of what they'll think? Seeming to read my thoughts once again, he shakes his head with a grin, "I don't care if the whole world sees us my Yama-chan, I'm just proud to have someone like you at my side." I swear that boy's making a hobby out of making me blush! Happily I let him lead me down the path, dodging around other people. With Taichi holding on to me like that it wasn't nearly as scary out as I had first presumed. In fact, I could probably even start   
enjoying myself now. 

The park was also full of adults, teenagers and kids alike, enjoying outdoor activities in this bright weather. The only incident that happened on the way to the small snack stand was when a out of control rollerblader smacked into my shoulder as she went by. Jumping in surprise and, I have to admit, fright I shrank further into my protector. Fortunately the blader kept on going, otherwise it could have made the situation worse. Taichi comfortingly lay an arm around my shoulder, whispering in my ear that is was just an accident. It only took me a few seconds to catch my breath before pulling away, ashamed, and kept on walking with my head down. "Hey Yama, cheer up. What kind of ice cream do   
you want?" I look up to find us standing in front of the stand with Taichi smiling at me questioningly. The girl working there was also smiling pleasantly, happy at the good business she was getting today and not even giving Taichi's arm, which was still around me, a second glance. 

Seeing as she didn't look too threatening from behind that counter, I weakly return the smile, "oh... I'll just have a chocolate cone please." I've always like the original flavors the best. Some of the new ones that they come out with are just too weird or crazy for me to even want to try. Taichi orders the same kind, not surprising as that's his favourite flavor of all time, and gets out his wallet. "You need me to chip in?" 

He looks at me, then grins and shakes his head, "Naw, its my treat. I've got plenty of money after just collecting a big debt that Kari owed me." 

"That'll be three dollars even," The nice girl tells us as she hands over the cones. Taichi gives it over and she smiles again, "You two have a nice day." 

"Uh, thanks." I reply, a bit taken aback by her friendly manner. Well, what was I expecting? Everyone to be monsters or something? 

We decided to sit at one of the park tables to eat, and chose one that was the furthest away from the main crowd. Taichi sat across from me and I started working on making sure the tasty ice cream didn't drip onto my hands or shirt. It really was good, and quite refreshing just to be out here after everything. Even my previous scare from the elevator had pretty much worn off as I sat here in the afternoon sun and breathed deeply of the fresh, earthy scented air. A pair of small children ran by our benches, laughing as the chased their puppy across the grass. They seemed so happy, so innocent of the horrors that this world could produce. It would be nice to be able to travel back in time and become like that once again, not having to fear everything that had a chance of hurting me. But somehow, at this moment, I feel at peace. So far it wasn't so bad being back around everybody like this, they weren't all evil. With this thought in mind I run my tongue over the melting chocolate again slowly, closing my eyes to savour the taste. When I opened them again, I found Taichi watching me with his own forgotten icecream melting all over the table. He had a small, half smile on his lips and a dreamy look in his eyes, making me wonder what was going on in his mind. "What?" I finally ask, breaking the calm silence that had descended. 

The focus suddenly came back to his eyes, but the cute smile never wavered, "Hmm?" He blinked, then leaned out his free hand to cover my own on the table surface, "'was just stunned by your beauty, I guess." His smile widens at my now reddened face. I don't think I've ever blushed so much in a day. Then Taichi pulls back and reaches into his shirt pocket, "I got something for you Yama-chan." 

"You did?" Not knowing what else to say, I just watch curiously as he closes his fist around something and holds it out to me. I look at it, then at his face questioningly, "What is it?" He just grins, then slowly opens his hand and I can't help but gasp at what I see lying on his palm, hardly able to believe my eyes, "But... how...? It looks just like..." 

"It is. I've been going back to that alley for the past week now trying to find it. I just got it back a couple of days ago, found it under the dumpster." Slowly he takes my hand and places the sparkling, blue and gold ring back on my finger. My whole hand is trembling in disbelief, and I feel the tears building up. "So I cleaned it up and have been just waiting for the right time to give it back to you. See, it didn't break, just like my promises never will. Now you can believe in them again." Shaking, I look back up into his eyes and find the most sincere look in them as he reaches over again and wipes my eyes. Its true, he went back to that awful place for almost a whole week just to find a ring for me. Oh gods, he's got to be the most wonderful and caring boyfriend in the entire world! I don't understand how he could go through so much trouble for me. "Do you like it?" 

Unable to contain myself any longer, I hop off of the bench and run over to his side to give Taichi a very big hug, smiling through my tears as I feel his arms around me, "It's the greatest gift ever, Taichi. Thank you, thank you so much for doing this for me. I really don't deserve it." 

Taichi shakes his head, "Of course you deserve it." He kisses my forehead, wiping away the tears as he pushes me back a bit. "I knew it meant a lot to you, and I really wanted to make you happy. I'm glad it worked." I nod gratefully, leaning my head against his chest with a sigh and forgetting we were out in public for the moment. After a few moments I feel collected enough to sit up again, and as I do I admire the ring that is now fit snugly on my left hand. Its so strong to withstand the impact of that fall, just like the bond between me and Taichi. Maybe life _will_ turn out happily ever after. "Feel up to a walk?" Taichi asks after staring mournfully at his ruined ice cream cone. 

"Yeah, I do." I stand up with him, hugging his waist to my side, and not giving a damn as to who saw us. Slowly, the two of us made our way across the green grass of the park, content to just silently walk with our arms around each other. Playing children run all around us, but I don't give them a second glance, enjoying the warm feeling inside of me. This has to have been the best day in a long while, and I'll never forget it. And maybe, just maybe, I will be able to overcome my fears. I hope so anyway, for both mine and Taichi's sakes. I'm keeping my lovely koi with me forever, and I'm glad he feels the same way towards me. 

~*~ 

  


(A/N) Well, I guess there'll probably be another part since there are still a few things to be resolved! Hope you're looking foreward to reading it. Thanks for your patience with this part, hopefully the next one will come out much sooner! Ja! =^_^= 


	9. Confusion, Fatherly Advice, & Saturday M...

HoldingOn9.html (A/N) AH! I know, this part was supposed to be up much sooner, but with FF.net gone haywire it was kind of hard to do much about it! Anyway that's my excuse and I'm stick'n to it (I'm sure many of you are using it too ^_~) So anyway, Here it is, Chapter 9 of my infamous (riight) looong fic.   
Disclaimer: Alright, I'm finally tired of these, so go read the last eight (hundred?) disclaimers if you really want one! 

~*~   
**Holding On: Part Nine**   
~*~ 

Matt's POV

Computers... ugh. I've never understood how people could prefer these complicated machines to nice, traditional hand writing. You have to be so damned patient to even use these things; waiting for programs to download, restarting after an error occurs, and just trying to get all the fingers to press down in the right places on the keyboard. It's just so annoying! Oh, did I mention that computer class is my least favorite of them all? Well, besides math I guess. And besides, with the speed of my typing, it would be a lot faster just to hand write everything anyway. The only thing keeping me from failing this course is Koushiro who sits next to me and somehow manages to make these monstrous things at least half understandable. Of course, the other reason that I could be hating this course so much is the fact that my Taichi-koi isn't in it with me. Yeah, I'm hopeless. 

"Matt, pay attention. Your WPM will never improve if you keep halting in your progress just to day dream!" Koushiro annoyingly pokes me in the side, making me snap back to reality from where I was once again visualizing a certain someone. 

Giving the brainiac red head a glare, I slap him back lightly, "Who says I want my Words whatever improved? I'm much happier back in dream land, thank you very much!" He snorts, shaking his head, and I can't help but grin back before sighing and squinting at the stupid screen again. As you can probably tell, I'm in a much better mood than I was a few days ago. Today is Wednesday, my third day back to school, and it's finally turning out to be alright. I was quite surprised by the reactions, expecting it to be how it was the last time I had come back. Monday wasn't the greatest, nobody knowing quite how to act whenever they saw me. Quite a few kids still glared and tried to put me down, but there were a surprising amount who really just seemed to shrug it off after throwing me a few curious glances. I had been more than willing to guess that everybody had known about my relationship with Taichi by then, but somehow I had managed to get through the day without any breakdowns or fights. 

It was yesterday that really changed my assumptions of how everyone saw me. I was just heading from my lockers to the lunch room, directly behind Taichi, when a small group of girls pushed through to stand in front of me. I was so surprised that I really couldn't do anything but stand there and stare. Taichi, also noticing that something was up, just turned around and stood right behind them, looking ready to do some damage if they upset me. The head of the group, a tall green eyed blonde, finally spoke up. She spoke hesitantly, as if not sure of what she was about to ask. 

"Gomen Yamato-san, but we just wanted to ask you a question." She waited for me to nod before continuing. Of course, I had a pretty good idea of what she was going to question me about, as did my boyfriend who suddenly got a hard look in his eyes. "Are you really gay? I mean, we heard rumors, but... you know. And we just want to make sure." 

I blinked at the bluntness of the question, then nodded unsurly, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. "Yeah... I'm... gay." 

Suddenly I was almost thrown backwards as the girls rushed to hug me, squealing like only girls can, "Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it!" 

"That's soo adorable!" "Didn't I tell you guys!?" "Ooohh, so cute!" "Wait until we tell the others!" 

Okay, I have to admit that by that point I was just beyond confused. I mean, why would they find me, being gay, adorable? I guess that's just the way girls are, and they'll never be understood. I just stood there awkwardly as the girls fired questions at me, and was just so shocked that I pretty much forgot to be panicked about the small space they were leaving me. Finally Taichi must of gotten sick of watching me surrounded by girls, and shoved through to grab my arm, "Excuse me ladies, but _my_ koishii must be getting hungry by now. And I know I am, so if you'll so kindly back off..." More squeals of delight and laughter followed us as Taichi roughly pulled me towards the cafeteria. I'm still wondering if he had been just a bit jealous? 

But the main thing is that I was accepted. They didn't care that I prefered boys to girls, they just thought, for some wierd girlish reason, that it was _cute_! Not everyone thinks that way, but I wasn't being completely pushed out of the way and labelled a fag for all eternity. Man, but was that ever an inspiring day! 

"Earth to Matt! Have you been getting enough sleep? That's the fifth time this period that you've zoned out!" I grinned sheepishly at Koushiro who was just rolling his eyes in exasperation. After assuring him that I wasn't going to pass out or anything, I tried once again to pay attention to the letters that I was supposed to be typing out. 

Ten minutes later the bell rang and I shut down the computer as fast as I could. Finally it's time to go home! In no time at all I had shoved my way to my locker and had exchanged unneeded books for the ones I would need for homework. Just as I shut the metal door and turned around I was caught up in a pair of familiar arms. "Yama-chan! I missed you so much!" 

With a small, embarrassed laugh I managed to loosen his hold somewhat, "Taichi, stop it. It's only been an hour! People are staring." It was true, everyone who went by widened their eyes at the sight of Taichi's arms around me, not used to seeing two guys together like this. 

The irrepressible brunette simply shrugs in reply and aims his mischievious grin at me, "That's okay, I love showing you off!" 

My face reddens even more as I smack his head, muttering quietly, "Taichi no baka. You just don't know when to quit." He just smiles and rubs his head a little before taking my arm as he leads me through the halls towards the front doors. Once outside we start the short walk to the otherside of the park, heading for my apartment. Taichi slings an arm loosely around my waist and I can't help but think how perfect this feels, walking in the sunshine with the boy I love holding me. Once, something like this would have been just another small piece of my imagination, a wish that I had never thought likely to come true. But here we are, two guys in love and hoping to be together through all eternity. With a small, happy sigh I put my own arm around Taichi and hug him closer as we walk. 

"My Angel," I hear Taichi murmer affectionately as he rubs my back a little, making my heart beat just a little harder with love. "How'd you make out today?" He's still worried that I might be having a real hard time being back out in the real world and all. I'm glad he is, it makes me feel safer to know he's here to protect me. It's the only reason I decided to try to overcome my fear of people in the first place. 

"Pretty good." I shrug, not very good with describing my feelings anyway. "You?" 

"Awesome. We're doing track right now in gym class and I've got one of the best times in the class! The coach thinks I should really join one of the teams, because I'm so great and all, but I told him I'm really into soccer and don't do all that long distance running stuff. You know..." I smile in content as I listen to the voice I love so much prattle on about sports and his skills. It's great when he goes on like this, then I can lean against him and just take pleasure in hearing the excitement in his voice and watch the way his hands move around gracefully as he describes the events of his day. Everything about him is perfect, just absolutely and wonderfully perfect. 

It didn't take very long to reach my apartment once we were through the park, and I invited Taichi in for snack and maybe to do our homework together. I'm still way behind in everything and it's going to take a lot to get me back on track again. "Hey, I'm home!" I yell out, before remembering that my dad wouldn't be back until much later tonight, probably just in time for dinner knowing him. With an unconcerned shrug, I drop my school bag and head for the kitchen, my hungry boyfriend following close. "So, what d'ya want to eat?" 

Taichi reply's with a grin, "At this point, anything even remotely edible. You know me." Yes I do, very well in fact. He can be a bottomless pit most of the time when it comes to food. Looking through the refridgerator I decided that I would need to go shopping very soon. I guess we'll just have to settle on a light snack of cookies. 

With the large bag of chocolate chip cookies, we went back to my room to relax. I watch with mild amusement at the way Taichi gobbles up each one, hardly taking the time to chew. I can never get over how fast he is at eating. It's really quite adorable, but man, it would be torture trying to supply him with it all everyday. I guess we'd both have to have really good jobs, and I would probably end up cooking most of the meals seeing as he is only experienced in eating the stuff, not making it. That _would_ be nice... coming home in the evening... preparing a nice meal for just the two of us... then afterwards we'd cuddle up on the couch, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears... or maybe in the bed... Woah, okay, maybe that's not the best path to be taking with my thoughts right now. But that is kind of strange; I just thought about sharing a bed with Taichi and didn't feel the slightest bit of fear. Looking up from the floor I stare at Taichi's profile, while he is reading some comic he found on the floor, and wonder what it would be like. The only experience that I've ever had with this sort of thing is pain. It hurt, and just thinking about it now brings back awful, painful memories. But... I mean, this is Taichi we're talking about here. It's a whole different matter with him. He's kind, he loves me, and, most important of all, he's gentle. He would never hurt me, right? But is sex even possible without pain? That's something I really know nothing about. It scares me, a lot, and I just don't think I could deal with more damage to my body. 

Kami, but he's gorgeous though. Maybe... I don't know. This is the first time I've really even put any thought into going further into our relationship. Maybe it's just too soon, we've only been going out for a few months now. Of course I've known him for a lot longer than that, so that really isn't an issue. And then, I don't even know if Taichi would want to go further. Especially with me. Would he want to be with me like that knowing that some other guys have already used me? I've been turned into something ugly, my virginity ripped to shreds without choice, and fear of pain stands in the way. Why should he? 

"Yama-chan? What's the matter?" Taichi's very concerned voice brings me back to the present and I notice bitterly that tears are leaking down the sides of my face. What the hell are with these stupid mood swings of mine anyway? Just moments ago I was plainly happy, and now I'm crying? See, this is why I tend to usually shove things deep down and away so that I don't end up thinking about them like this. 

Quickly I wipe the offending tears away and give Taichi a pathetic smile, "Nothing, not a single thing." I know my denial sounds quite sarcastic, and it just ends up making hurt appear in the eyes that I love so much. With a resigned sigh I look away, feeling bad, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." 

Taichi crawls over to my side instantly and pulls me into his lap gently, rocking me like one would do for a baby. I would be offended if it didn't feel so relaxing. "It's okay koi, I know you don't want to talk about it. I just want to help, though," He tells me before kissing the side of my head. He really can be very sweet. 

Already feeling a little better, I shift so I can wrap my arms around him as well, and nuzzle into his soft neck. I always feel so warm and safe when he holds me, like there's nothing to be afraid of. He really does want to help me, just like he has been all along, so I guess he deserves some of the truth. "I was just thinking..." I cut off, realizing that he's going to hate hearing me put myself down like I had been. 

"About what?" Taichi prompts after a little while, still rocking me slowly. I know he can't stand me bottling up everything, but would he be offended if I did tell? 

I sigh again, "About what... what had happened to me, and... and about us." He's going to hate me, how could he not? I am pretty much denying his loyalty to me after all. 

"Us?" I can tell he's confused, and maybe hurt again, "I made you cry?" 

"N-no. Its just... It wasn't you... It's me... I..." Abruptly I stop babbling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. It was impossible, I couldn't explain this to him, it was just too embarrassing and risky. 

I feel Taichi's sigh in my hair before he starts rubbing my back a bit, "You can tell me you know. I don't like to see you upset." Slowly I pull away from him, suddenly getting the urge to look into those beautiful eyes of his and see the trust in them for myself. He looks right back at me steadily, as if trying to communicate his sincerity telepathically. I so badly want to tell him, ask him about it all and take in the assurance that he could give me, but I can't... I just can't. I hate myself so badly right now for the lack of courage. "Yama?" 

Tugging fully away from his arms, seriously regretting it as the warm feeling fled, I stand up and look at him pleadingly. "Maybe we should start on homework now. I... I need some help with it." 

Taichi doesn't say anything for a few moments as I watch the conflicting emotions speed across his face. I can tell he wants to persue the matter of what had me so upset, and I silently beg him with my eyes to let it go for now. Finally he nods slowly and stands up as well, not looking happy at all about this. "Alright... let's get started then." Thank the gods that I've got such an understanding boyfriend. I give him a grateful smile and run to retrieve my bag from the near the front door. He'll find out later, but I just need some time first to figure out what I want. 

*** 

Tai's POV

"Dammit! How could they screw up like that?! They were wide open! Damn!" The man I call my father hits off on a round of curses as he angrily gestures at the television. They're losing, the football team he pretty much idolizes I mean, and that's reason enough to start a whopping third world war. I just let out a depressed sigh and sink further into the cushions of the couch. Usually I'm a lot more interested in the American sport, yelling at the tv right along side my dad, but tonight I just can't get into it. It's Yamato, well I guess that must have been pretty obvious, but he's got something going on inside of him again that I can't understand. I didn't even know anything was wrong until earlier today when he suddenly started crying for no apparent reason. I mean, if someone was hurting him, I'm sure I would have heard about it, but this didn't seem like that sort of thing. He wasn't hurt, as far as I could see, but something was bothering him. Something to do with me and him. I just wish that he would tell me so I could help with whatever it is, doesn't he want my help? 

With another sigh I close my eyes, trying to figure it all out. I never was that great at guessing games, my impatience getting in the way, and this one seemed more impossible than most. Maybe I needed to see what was going on from another point of view or something. I don't know... "Kari! Boys! Dinner is on the table! Turn off that racket!" My mom's voice yells from the dining room. She can't stand football. 

My father grumples something rude, making my sister roll her eyes before getting up from her chair to wander out of the room. Slowly I push myself up from the comfortable seat and make to follow Kari, but suddenly am stopped by my dad's hand on my arm, "Just a second Honey, I need to talk to Taichi first. You two go ahead." 

Hesitantly I turn around, wondering what this was all about but not sure if I really wanted to know, and sit back down. Dad turns off the television and shuffles around to face me, his face set in a strangely curious expression, "What's up with you tonight?" His bluntness, after all these years, has ceased to amaze me. 

I shrug, "Nothing, what's up with you?" 

"Don't start, Tai. You've been moping and sulking ever since you got home, and until you tell me why, you won't be going anywhere." He really does look set to follow through with that threat. 

Turning to look away from him, I just stare blankly at the opposite wall while answering him with a clipped, "I can't tell you." Like he would want to hear about anything that has to do with my boyfriend. If I told him what I was 'moping and sulking' about he'd either start laughing or else yelling. I'm not sure which is worse, but I can't stand either. 

I hear him sigh with exasperation, "Of course you can tell me, I'm your father!" 

"Exactly." I mutter, knowing perfectly well he could hear me. All I hear is silence, then an 'oh' of realization. 

"This is about Matt, isn't it?" Filled with complete surprise I whip around and gape at him. Yep, that was still my dad sitting there, but somehow he had managed to actually say Yamato's name without calling him 'that boy' or something rude. And he hadn't stormed off in disgust or anything. I had known that he was becoming more accepting of my sexuality, but I hadn't really believed that he would be able to actually acknowledge it like this. When I don't answer, but simply stare in confusion, he goes on, "Ah, so that is it. Now we're getting somewhere. Now stop the fish mimicking act and tell me what happened." 

I shake my head a bit, coming back to my senses, and sit up a bit straighter, "Why would you want to know?" Was this some sort of joke or something? 

"To help you of course," He said it in that sort of tone that makes you feel stupid for even asking the question in the first place. When I only continued to stare he went on with his explaination, "Look, I just had a talk with Masaharu the other day about this and from what I can tell he really has no problem with this whole issue. I honestly don't understand it, but if *he* can support his faggot of a son, then I certainly can help mine!" Ah, so that explains it. My dad sees everything as a sort of competition that he hates to lose. 

"Um, thanks... I think..." Faggot of a son? Nicely put _dad_, sheesh. "Well, if you're sure you want to know," I hesitate, but then quickly start talking again when I catch his impatient expression. I explained to him how Yamato was doing and how things seemed to be getting better with him, especially at school and with the world in general. Then I went on to describe the weird behaviour of his today when I had gone over to his place after school and some of the strange looks he had been giving me all day. By the end of my story I was just as confused as I had been before. 

Dad was unusually quiet for the next few minutes, not even looking at me, as he started thinking about what I said. I was surprised that he was really trying to figure this thing out; 'guess people really can change when they want to. From the kitchen I could hear the noise of dishes and knew that the female half of my family had already started to eat without us. The smells of the meal coming through the door were just plain delicious to my nose, making me wish I could just drop this and go eat right now. I can't think on an empty stomach anyway. "I think..." There was a pause while I turned my attention back to my father. His expression looked to be one of part disgust as well as determination, obviously he wasn't liking what he was about to say, "I think it has to do with your... relationship." 

I blink incomprehendingly, "Well duh, I already told you it had to do with me and him." How could he just forget like that? Maybe the stress at work is really getting to him or something. 

"No, no. That's not what I mean," He winces, then sighs, "How to put this delicately... Taichi, your friend is obviously thinking about... about sex." Yeah, way to put it delicately. 

"About... sex? B-but..." I choke, not understanding. Something's screwed up in his mind, that has to be the reason he's talking like this. Trying to get my confusing emotions under control I ask, "How... why do you say that?" 

He suddenly gets a serious look, and I know something is wrong here that I haven't been able to see for myself. "Son, Yamato was raped. Had he ever had sex before that?" 

I stare in a daze, hardly able to voice my answer, "N-no, I... I don't think so." I really don't like where this is leading. It's showing how much of an idiot I really am. I mean, my homophobic father is figuring this out before _me_? 

"Then that was his first time. And all he can relate to this sort of thing is hurt, pain and confusion. Do you understand?" I try to speak, but emotions are weighing down on me so heavily that all I can do is shake my head slightly. Dad sighs and shakes his head, looking completely fine with the subject of our conversation. I don't think I'll ever understand this man. "You two are getting... well you're becoming very close to each other." He winces again, still not used to talking about two guys like this but continues anyway, "Now that the serious issues are quite dealt with, he's probably thinking more about the relationship and being with you for... for the rest of your lives. He obviously knows that you're going to want more than what you have now. And it's quite plain that he's scared... most likely of the sex itself and of losing you if he can't give you what you want." Suddenly, without even a pause, my father stands up and heads for the kitchen, "Anyway, I'm starving. Let's go eat before the girls finish dinner off themselves." And that was it. Guess he can only handle so much. 

Silence fell over me as I sat there in shock. Was it true? Yamato was scared of me? That... that I would hurt him? I know it took a lot for my dad to admit all this, but it did make sense. Especially from what happened this afternoon. Of course Yama wouldn't want to talk about it, and knowing him, he had been brooding over this for quite awhile now. It's just... I really wish he would tell me about these things. He knows I'm too dense to realize what's going on for myself, and now look, Dad knows everything about our relationship... even more than myself. 

Okay, just take a minute to think about this. Yamato's scared. That's something I won't put up with, and I will think of a way to put him at ease. Of course, I've got to get him to admit it first. Usually that'd be near impossible with his stubborness, but I'm sure he'll open up to me if I ask somehow. With a tired sigh I pick myself off of the couch and head for the kitchen, my head still spinning with the sudden enlightenment that had been forced upon me. Damn it Yamato, if you would only talk to me you wouldn't hurt yourself so much. 

*** 

Matt's POV

Bright sunlight pouring in through the cracks of the blinds woke me up saturday morning and I sat up in confusion to look around with half open eyes. Okay, maybe it wasn't the sun that woke me, maybe it was the frantic pounding at my bedroom door. "Matt? Yamato Ishida, you wake up and get your butt out here right now!" 

With a large yawn and a cat like stretch, I haphazardly run my hand through my messy blonde hair before swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. Without even bothering to change out of my boxers and wrinkled t-shirt I shuffle over to door. Dad better have a pretty darn good excuse for getting me up like this, I _had_ been planning to sleep in, seeing as it is saturday and all. He probably needs my help for something, and knowing him that something has to do with food. "Yeah?" I mumble tiredly after cracking open the door to face my panicking father. 

He quickly grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the kitchen with a simple explanation, "The stove's on fire!" With an exasperated groan I stare glumly at the mess before me as we enter my once perfect domain. On the stove is a now blackened pot with bright orange and blue flames flickering over the edges, black smoke pouring up into the air. Another pan has been thrown hastily into the sink, denting it I might add, with more smoke hanging above it and some sort of blackened goo stuck to the inside. And besides that, my once beautiful counter is now completely covered in unidentifiable substances and filthy cooking supplies. 

Suddenly realizing that the fire alarm would probably go off at any moment, I quickly grab a lid and slam it over the burning pot to smother the flames while turning the stove off at the same time. It wasn't until after I opened up every single window in the apartment that I faced my disgruntled father, "What the hell were you trying to do?! Burn down the entire building?" I growled impatiently while silently mourning my poor, poor kitchen. Not the mention the ruined pot! This is the reason I hate anybody trying to cook in here besides me, they're all _imbeciles_ when it comes to food! 

Dad grinned weakly at my glare before casting his eyes to the floor and mumbling, "I was trying to make us breakfast. 'Just thought you'd like to sleep in." 

"Yeah? Well great. Not only do I _not_ get to sleep in, but now I have a mess to clean up as well! 'Kuso, what was in that pot anyway?" Cursing angrily, I grab a new dishcloth from a drawer and try to start clearing the counter top. 

"Uh... would you believe, boiled eggs?" He weakly grinned again when he saw my complete disbelievement. 

"Boiled... _boiled_ eggs? How the hell did you _burn_ that? The pot should have been filled with _water_ to boil the damn eggs!" I stare in wonder at what a complete idiot my dad is when it comes to cooking. I mean, is it so hard to stick some water in a pot, drop a few eggs in and let it boil? 

He winces before answering, "Watch your language Matt. And really, don't even ask how, please. I get the point, I really don't belong in this part of the house." 

I sigh again and turn back to scrubbing, shaking my head, "It's alright, as long as you never try this again. I'll finish cleaning this up then make breakfast, okay? You probably have work to do anyway." Man, the things I put up with around here. 

Dad quickly agreed and backed out of the kitchen before he got into even more trouble. It was a nice thought, trying to make me breakfast, but he should just stick with cereal from now on. Hopefully he could manage that without burning anything down. 

An hour and a half later the kitchen was scrubbed to shining perfection and breakfast was neatly layed out on the dining table. I called my dad to the table and we sat down to have a quiet leisurely meal, both still worn out from the previous escapade. We didn't say much while we were eating, just the odd comment about small things like the weather and how his work was going, but I enjoyed his company all the same. It was rare that dad and I ever really got to sit down together anymore with him being so busy with work and me with school. Which reminded me, "Hey Dad? I thought you were working this weekend." I asked as we sat back from the table, plates empty. My appetite has really seemed to make a comeback these days. 

His dark eyes regarded me thoughtfully before he smiled in a friendly way, "Well I was, but I decided to take today off. I've got a different sort of meeting I need to attend." 

Already starting to clear off the dishes from the table, I look over at him and raise an eyebrow, curious as to know what could be so important for him to take time off work like this, "And that sort would be...?" 

"It seems that the parents of your dear boyfriend want to talk to me, now why do you think they want to do that?" He gave me a knowing grin as he also got up from his seat and started to help with clearing the table. 

I stood there in confusion for a few moments before shaking my head, "I don't know... they're not trying to break us up again are they?" I meant that sarcastically, but even I could hear the little bit of fear in my tone. 

The older man just chuckled and shook his head in response, "No, no. I don't think that's it. They definitely seem to be getting over the fact that their son has feelings for another boy. Don't worry about it." 

"Then what is it about?" I try again, a little peevishly. Why does he always have to play games like this with me? 

"You really don't know?" I shake my head, "Oh, I thought you two probably already talked about it. Huh." Dad looked a little confused as he gathered up the rest of the plates and headed for the kitchen. Not about to let him go that easily I followed right behind. 

Setting the load in the sink I cross my arms in a determined way and face him, set on getting some answers. Dad sighs and runs his hand through his hair, kind of like I do when I'm nervous about something. "Well, I guess we're just going to be discussing your relationship with Tai and see how much each of us are comfortable with at the moment. Mr. Kamiya phoned me yesterday and told me he had a talk with his very bewildered son." he pauses for a second, before continuing in a softer tone, "Yamato... Tai's very worried about you from what I gather. His father said... well he said that he had to explain to Tai that you were afraid of... you know, going too far... after the rape." He winces at his choice of words but I hardly notice as I stare in stunned silence at him. 

For a few moments I couldn't speak, remembering how withdrawn Taichi was acting since a few days ago, and could feel the anger building up in me, "When... when did they have this 'talk'?" 

"Two or three days ago I think. Matt-" 

"Why didn't he talk to _me_ about it?!" I cut him off, pounding my fist against the counter with frustation. "He's so... so stupid! If he knew, he could have told me instead of acting like he had to be careful around me! Baka!" 

"Yamato! You're being unreasonable. I don't think you should be getting upset with him about this when you've been doing the exact same thing to him, have you thought about that?" Dad calmly stopped my insults with his firm voice. 

Blinking in surprise, then realization, I lean against the counter for support. Oh Kami... I have been keeping back from him. I've been doing the same thing that I'm getting mad at him for. Isn't a relationship pretty much based on communication? And look what I've done to that! "Oh... Dad, I... _I'm_ the stupid one." 

"Maybe you should just talk to him. Let Tai know how you're feeling, it'll help." Dad advised me softly with a pat on my shoulder. When all I did was nod back slightly he left the room, leaving me with my thoughts. Obviously I was going to have to talk to Taichi now, this was just too important to let go. But what if he thinks less of me for being afraid? I do want to go all the way with him, I love Taichi that much, but I'm just too fucking scared of being hurt again. With a depressed sigh I slowly head back towards my room to flop onto the bed, covering my head with the pillow. Why do things have to be so complicated? 

For the next half hour I just lay there, curled up in a defensive position and trying to sort out my thoughts. Finally I just couldn't stand it anymore and forced myself to get up. It was settled, I had to go see Taichi and discuss this with him. Honestly, I don't think he would see me as weak or anything like that, but I still can't help being nervous. This really isn't a normal everyday conversation that people have. As well, what if Taichi's upset with me for not being the one to speak up about it in the first place? I know he hates it when I keep things to myself. 

Tossing my slept in clothes onto the floor I quickly pull on a plain black t-shirt and a pair of loose, black jeans. I always wear black when I'm feeling insecure, it just suits me I guess. When I stepped out of the room once again I saw my father just grabbing his coat to head out the door, "Hey, do you think you could give me lift to Tai's?" I ask while already searching for my shoes and jacket. Dad nodded and waited for me to get everything on before we left the apartment together. 

***   
Tai's POV

It was Saturday, which meant Saturday morning cartoons, and I had accordingly grabbed the hugest bowl I could find, filled it with Frosted Flakes and plopped myself down in front of the tv set. I sat there for hours, mindlessly watching everything from Pokemon and Sailormoon to Power Rangers and Bugs Bunny. I tell you, it's heaven. It's the best way I know of to keep your mind off of everything even remotely stressful, even if it does kill a few brain cells in the process. 

"Tai!" I ignored the annoying voice for a few moments, too busy watching to see if the coyote would finally get the roadrunner this time. Of course, he didn't. All of his stupid plans suck! I bet if I were that coyote I could-- "KAMIYA TAICHI! Don't you ignore me when I'm talking to you!" I whipped around in surprise to find my mother glaring at me from near the entrance and sheepishly I put down my empty bowl to see what was up. 

"What is it mom?" I grin at her, trying to ease some of the tension away. I _hate_ being interrupted during cartoons. It's just immoral... or something like that. 

Mom rolls her eyes before smiling back a bit, "We're leaving now, Ishida-san has just pulled up. Now you be good while we're gone, and make sure you clean up that mess in front of you as well as the spilt cereal in the kitchen." She waved a bit and I waved back before turning back to the television. From the front door came some mumbled voices, but I just assumed it was my parents talking with Yamato's father. That is until I heard a small cough from behind me. 

Turning around once again to see who it was interrupting me this time, I found a very familiar blonde standing by the couch. TV instantly forgotten, I jump up and bound over excitedly, overjoyed at the unexpected visit. "Yama-chan!" He only had time to widen his bright blue eyes a little before I glomped him, sending him to the ground with a surprised gasp. "I missed you, my beautiful koi!" I giggle as his entire face turns red with embarrassment. Then I quickly put my mouth over his, shutting up his protests. Beneath me, Yama let out a small moan as I slipped my tongue into his mouth, loving the familiar feeling of his soft lips. 

"T-Taichi? I... I uh..." He gasped as we finally broke apart for air. His gaze stayed on my face as he tried to pull himself together, looking dazed. Man, he's one hell of a kisser, that's for sure! 

After another peck on his lips, I finally push myself off of him and help the confused boy to his feet. With a small laugh I explain, "I've been eating cereal full of sugar ever since I woke up. What're you doing here anyway?" I ask while lovingly pulling my koishii onto my lap, sitting down on the couch. With my arms wrapped firmly around his stomach, I lay my chin on his shoulder and wait for him to catch up with my hyperness. 

Yamato sighed a little and leaned back against me, "I just came by to... talk I guess. I... we _need_ to talk." He sounded a little nervous, and suddenly I knew what this was about. Maybe Dad really did know what he was talking about. With a nod I pull away and slip out from under him so that we could sit and face each other. At least he was finally going to tell me what was going on between us, but he better not decide anything stupid such as breaking up. Looking a bit closer, I realized that Yamato was looking awfully pale, "Are... are you mad... at me?" He asks quietly, looking at me with serious eyes. 

Taken aback, I quickly shake my head, wondering why I should be angry with him, "No, of course not!" 

"Oh." A relieved look came over his face, but he didn't say anything else. In fact, he seemed to huddle further into the couch cushions as he looked towards the floor. Something was really bothering Yamato, and now I'm pretty sure as to what that is. 

After some moments, when it became clear that Yamato wasn't going to keep speaking, I reach over and take up his hand in mine. He looks up at them, then at my face uncertainly. "Yama-chan, you don't have to be afraid of me. I won't hurt you, you know." 

"I know." He answers without hesitation. So he trusts me, then what is it that's making him so afraid? I was about to voice this question, not knowing what else to say, when he kept going in a quiet voice, "Taichi, I... I need to know if... if you... ever wanted to... to go f-further." Man, he really is scared. And I can understand why. It must be so hard to finally bring this up and I'm really going to have to watch what I say if I don't want to scare him right off. 

As honestly as I could, I answered softly knowing this was going to sound a bit blunt, "Well, yeah. I mean, you're the most beautiful, kind and caring guy in the world and I love you so much. But I just want whatever you think is best, and I would never force you into anything that you're against, okay?" He had to understand, I'm not like those other guys. I care about him too much, so what ever makes him happy... 

This time his lips curve into a barely noticable smile and he squeezed my hand back a little, "You're so sweet Taichi." I smile back happily, completely worshipping his compliments. Then he frowned, "But... If I did want to... you know... would it- would it hurt?" The fear that I saw slip into his eyes made my heart ache. So this is what it's all about, pain. 

With a sad smile, I take Yamato back into my arms, letting him cuddle into my body as I thought about what to say. I couldn't lie, that would just make it worse in the end. "Angel... I'm afraid it would hurt some." I felt his body tense, but went on quietly, "But just at first. I... well I read up on some of this and it will always hurt at first, but after you would feel pleasure, you know? It's different with making love. When you were... were raped, you hadn't wanted it, and they didn't use lubricant or anything so it hurt the whole time. But I would be careful. It just might be difficult to get past the initial pain if you're really afraid, but then afterwards it would go away and feel just heavenly." 

Yamato looked up at me with some surprise and raised his eyebrows, "You read up on it? When?" 

"Uh... just a few weeks ago, at the librarie. I didn't dare take any books on it out, but I learned a lot." I could feel my own face heat up with embarrassment as I grinned a little at him. So I had been curious and wanted to know, I would need to know at some point right? Yamato just looked at me some more with a strange expression on his face before he suddenly started laughing. Taken by surprise at this outburst I ask in a somewhat hurt voice, "What? I didn't think it was that bad!" 

"N-no... it's just-" Yamato cut off to let loose another laugh that sounded more like a giggle. When he finally got himself slightly under control, he shocked me once again by leaning foreward and pecking my lips, "You're just so cute." 

Wondering what the hell just got into my boyfriend, I narrow my eyes suspiciously and put my hand to his forehead, "Are you okay Koi? Want me to take your temperature?" 

Yamato snorted and gently slapped my hand away, his eyes glowing with a light that I don't remember being there for a long time now. "Iie baka," he answered while smiling, "I'm fine. 'Guess I'm just really happy." He reached a hand up and ran it through my hair once before snuggling his face into my neck. 

Still a bit confused, I hugged him close again, "Happy about what?" 

He sighed contentedly before mumbling, "That you really want me." 

I smile too when I hear that, "'Course I really want you, my beautiful Angel, and nothing could make me change my mind." I rubbed his back lightly, feeling joy within myself at this sudden twist of events. I've never really realized before what a lucky guy I am to have this utterly captivating boy loving me. And I'm so glad that I've been the one to help him through everything... even if it _was_ kind of my fault to begin with. 

Yamato sat up a bit again after a few minutes with a serious look in his eyes. I didn't say anything while he watched me though, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Then he spoke quietly, his tone serious as well, "Taichi I... well I still need to think about all this, 'you understand?" I nodded, knowing it was still a danger zone for him with the pain. I'd wait forever for my Yama-chan if I had to... well, actually, I hope it won't be that long! "Thanks." His eyes shone sincerely as he hugged me again. "So what's up for today?" He mumbled against my shirt, his hand busy getting tangled into my hair. 

"Well, I had been planning on watching the rest of my cartoons. Then I guess we can go where ever you want to after, sound good?" I answered, leaning back and thoroughly enjoying the feeling of his fingers. 

Yamato smiled up at me, then chuckled, "You and your cartoons. They'll rot your brain you know?" 

"I know." I smiled back, easing our bodies into a more comfortable position on the couch. Reaching for the channel changer, which fortunately was within my reach, I flipped the channels until I found some subtitled American cartoon that caught my interest. Yamato shifted so that he could watch as well, despite his earlier critizing of the saturday morning ritual. The rest of the morning went by swiftly and wonderfully spent in the company of my Yama. I wished that we could do this everyday, just lie here and enjoy the feeling of closeness between one another. I'm really glad at least that we've been able to discuss this and that Yamato trusts me enough that he's thinking about this becoming a serious relationship. I honestly wouldn't want to spend my life with anybody else now that I have him.   


(A/N) Uh oh... I have a feeling that I'm going to have to write a lemon next... be afraid, be very afraid. This was kind of a funny part to write, all that fatherly advice and mush. Anyway, I'll need some input before I decide how I'm going to write the next chapter, and since I'm really completely running out of ideas it'll probably be pretty much the last chapter *sigh*.   
  



	10. Darkness Banished (conclusion)

A/N: Well! This is it, the final chapter. And just a** warning** : **It does get quite lemony near the end**, so careful if you don't like that sort of stuff. 'Though from the reviews I got, it looks like most people are looking forward to it! ^_^; Anyway, sorry for the wait (again!). We just switched to a new internet service so everything just went sort of haywire for awhile. Umm... Let's get on with the fic! Tell me whatcha think.  


**Holding On: Part 10**

***   
**Tai's POV**

It was a beautiful, bright day with only a slightly warm, gentle breeze weaving through the trees and grass. The sun shone brightly down from the cloudless sky, making the day hot but in a wonderful way. Brightly colored birds flew briskly around in the air, singing cheery tunes and playing happily in the warm summer air. It was just one of those days where you're glad to be alive and free. Taking all this in through half closed eyes I smile in contentment. This was just so perfect, better than I would ever have imagined my life to be. I start to stroke the blonde locks of hair spread along my chest and shoulders and feel pleased when the boy, who is laying with his head upon my chest, sighs lightly and tightens his hold around my waist. I could stay in this position forever, I really could. 

Yamato Ishida, the boy who somehow managed to capture my heart and soul. I love him more than life itself now, and wouldn't give him up for anything, he's just worth too much to me. It's been rough, and there's no denying that there has been times when it seemed so futile to keep this relationship going, but we've been hanging in there for each other. The first time he told me he was in love with me had been the worst day of my life, ironically, and after that I had almost lost him. I hate to think back to those months where awful events just seemed to pop up at us one after the other, almost driving my love to the very edge of despair. If I hadn't come to my senses so soon I don't know what he would have done to himself, and I would never have forgiven myself for hurting him so much. 

It has already been two months since I finally managed to persuade Yamato to come out of his shell and since then we've come so close to one another, no distrust between us at all. We understand each other more than any two people ever have, and he's almost completely healed from the terrible evils that had invaded his life. There will be, of course, some fears that he will never get over and others that will just take a lot of time to overcome. His claustrophobia will never go away as far as I can tell and we make sure to stay far away from elevators and any other types of enclosed spaces. Once in awhile that old nightmare comes back as well, or a large migraine whenever he is too strained or tired, but I, or someone in his family when I'm not around, always manages to comfort him. And there's still that question of getting to that certain point in a relationship that he has to work out within himself. He's scared to death of pain, even though he now hates to admit it. But I know that if I just wait patiently we'll reach that perfect moment when everything will be set right again. I would never hurt my Yama-chan again, that is something I've sworn over and over. 

A movement brings me slowly out of my dreamy state, and pleasure sends little shivers through me as I feel my koibito gently nuzzle my neck, "Whatcha thinking about, hmm?" His hot breath against my skin makes me sigh blissfully. 

I send my hand lightly down his back before I answer, happy at the answering shiver of enjoyment, "About you, and how much I love you of course." I smile and hug him to me on sudden whim. 

With a small, delighted laugh Yamato pushes away as he moves up so that his face is level with my own, "Is that all you ever think about?" He gives me a teasing kiss on my nose, running one slender hand across my forehead to push aside the long bangs. I just grin a bit and nod before pulling his head back down to bring our lips together. Nothing, absolutely nothing can beat the sweet taste and velvet feel of Yamato's soft lips; the way they open willingly to admit my eager tongue is enough to drive me wild. With barely controlled restraint, I run my tongue along the roof of his mouth, then move to stroke his own tongue tenderly, enticing a pleasure filled moan from the beautiful creature on top of me. 

Slowly I flip Yamato over onto his back, switching our previous positions as I start to hungrily push harder into his mouth. Our tongues start warring, pushing against one another desperately, swirling around in a blind dance. Nothing else matters at this moment except him, to draw every little detail of him deep into my memory. I love the feel of my angel, the sound of him groaning and writhing with pleasure beneath me, nothing could make a more perfect picture. 

Minutes went by, leaving us in our own small world, before the silence around us was broken with a yell from the other side of the hill we were lying on, "Boys! Food's ready! Better come get some before we eat it all!" Miyako's shrill voice broke the haze of desire that had descended upon us. Reluctantly we pulled apart, gasping for air while lustfully gazing into each other's eyes. Kami-sama, I wanted more of him, he was just so beautiful; laying there beneath me, eyes half closed and his gorgeous golden hair spread around his head like an angel's halo. It wasn't fair that someone should interrupt us at this moment, that I couldn't finish what we had started. It wasn't fair that the burning desire within me was growing stronger each day and it was taking all my will just to contain it for the sake of my fragile koishii. 

Yamato finally spoke up, his voice still husky from our kiss, "'Guess we better go huh? I wouldn't want you to starve." 

I smile down at his twinkling, clear blue eyes and move to stand up, pulling him up with me. "Me neither, Love. Let's go then." We slip our arms around each other's waists and make our way up the hill towards the picnic that the girls had put together. The twelve of us, somehow all of us digidestined managed to clear our schedules for the day, had decided to visit the Digital World for a picnic and just to hang out and catch up on each other's lives. According to me, it was an awesome idea. Yamato had really been feeling down the last couple of days, having a few more nightmares than was usual, and basically just freaking out over the stupidest things. The reason? It was this week, exactly six months from the day that his life had been torn apart by some cruel boys. We're trying to put most of that behind us, but it's very hard for Yamato to just forget about something as big as that. I wouldn't be surprised if he's like this on this week every month for the next few years, but maybe one day he'll be able to just shove it out of his mind forever. 

As we come over the crest of the hill, we can see the other digidestined spread out on a flat area in the shade of some leafy trees. Most of them already have a plate of food, sitting in smaller groups to converse quietly while eating. At the sight of all that food spread out on the picnic blanket I suddenly feel like I haven't eaten in ages and start to pick up my pace, pulling Yama along behind me as he good naturally mutters something about me being more in love with food than himself. By the time we had reached the bottom of the hill, I was leading us at top speed, Yamato laughing uncontrollably while telling me to slow down before we fall and break our necks. It's great to hear his laughter, and it's just recently that I've been hearing it more and more. It is a good sign that he's really healing. 

I slid onto the blanket while Yama stopped himself by slamming into my back and cursing repeatedly over my stupidity. Others around us were laughing right along at the big joke and I grinned over at them while helping myself to a plate full of food. While I grabbed just about anything that was in sight, well known for my love of eating, Yamato was more careful in choosing his own. I've never really understood how someone could be so picky, but I guess that's just the way he is. Anyway, I make sure he eats enough when I'm around so there's no need to worry about him forgetting or anything! After he had _finally_ filled his paper plate enough, I looked around for a place to sit. I saw my sister waving from beneath a huge tree and went off to join her, as well as Takeru, Daisuke, and Ken who were all sitting beside her. 

"Hey peeps! Enjoying yourselves?" I ask as I ungracefully slump down onto the soft grass. Yamato sat down with his usual grace beside me and started to slowly pick at his food. Everybody nodded and I grinned before stuffing some sushi into my mouth, much to the amusement of the others. 

Kari just rolls her eyes, "Tai, you really need to work on your manners." I just grin at her, my mouth too full to say anything, and begin attacking some of the other finger foods on my plate. 

After a few more minutes, in which the others resumed their previous chatting, my attention was diverted towards Yamato's younger brother and his boyfriend laying a few feet away from the others. Daisuke's head was resting on the blonde's lap, animatedly describing something that had gone on earlier that day, while every once in a while he would stop in mid sentence and wait with a slightly open mouth for Takeru to feed him a little something. Then he would start talking once again while chewing at the same time. It was quite amusing, but at the same time the whole feeding the other bit was more than a little erotic. Quickly coming to the conclusion that it would be fun to do that with my own boyfriend I turned to him, noticing that he was watching me from the corner of those lovely blue eyes, "Hey Yama-chan, Angel-" 

"No." 

Blinking with surprise at this sudden answer to a question that I hadn't even been able to finish, I gape a little. "No what?" 

Yamato turned his eyes directly onto my face, looking amused and stubborn at the same time, "I am quite capable of eating on my own. Thank you, but no." He then smiled a bit and turned away to look down at his food again. Sometimes I hate the fact that he seems to be able to read my mind so easily, it's just so unfair. But I guess I had known all along that he would turn me down on the offer, he's got this thing about being too touchy in front of others unless he's in one of his very emotional moods. It probably just makes him feel uncomfortable, after all that has happened, to have other people see us become intimate with each other. I don't particularly agree with that of course, being the outgoing guy that I am, but I respect his fears enough to know when to back off. 

Suddenly I realized that my plate was clean of all except crumbs and spoke up, "Hey, I'm going to go get some more. Want anything Yama-chan?" 

He smiled at me again but shook his head slightly, "Nah, I'm fine. You go ahead." 

I couldn't help smiling back at his sparkling eyes and, reaching towards him, I gently ran my hand through his golden mane while giving his nose a small kiss, "Alright Angel, I'll be right back." 

Wrinkling his nose a little, and blushing with embarrassment, Yamato shoos me away with his hand, "I told you not to call me that in front of others, baka." He tells me affectionately before I head over towards the picnic layout. Hearing the giggling behind me from the younger digidestined only made my grin wider. I love having someone to appreciate in this way, especially in front of others without feeling like we were doing something wrong. 

Giggling quietly to myself over my shamelessness, I crouched over the dishes of food and filled up another plate. When I stood up again I found myself blocked off by the two oldest girls of the bunch. "Hi Tai!" Mimi giggled as she quickly latched onto one of my arms. 

"How's it going Tai?" Sora asked as she firmly grasped my other arm. Both the girls started leading me in the opposite direction from the others. 

Confused at this sudden turn of events, I just looked back and forth between them. It was easy to assume that something was up by the total look of excitement and secretiveness in their faces. "Um... Hi... I'm fine. What's up?" I asked cautiously, trying not to tip my plate and spill all that lovely lunch. 

Mimi smiled even more, deciding that she was the one who was going to tell me, whatever it was they wanted from me. "Guess what's happening next Friday?" I just gave her a weird look and shrugged, losing my interest fast. If they were just going to talk about some girlish party then they were just wasting the precious time that I could be using to snuggle up to my beautiful boyfriend. "What?! You don't know?" She actually had the nerve to pretend to be shocked... well, okay, since this is Mimi we're talking about, she probably is shocked. "Hello! The Dance? Remember? There's been posters all over the school for the past month! It's like the biggest one ever!" 

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Actually, I really hadn't. I have this real problem with attentiveness, and am not the type to be attracted to pretty pink and yellow paper hanging on our school walls. "So what?" 

"So what?!" Sora's turn to look shocked, just great. What's up with these two anyway? See, this is one of the biggest pro's of having a _boy_friend, I don't get stuck with all this silliness. "You _have_ to take Matt to it!" 

"What?!" I stop dead in my tracks, dragging them to a halt with me, and stare incredulously, "Take _Matt_ to a school dance? Are you nuts?! There's no freaking way he'd go! Have you seriously forgotten how much he hates crowds, especially when it comes to some of those morons that go to our school?" I shake my head and try to head back to my waiting koi, having heard enough of this already. 

I was stopped once again by both of the girls grabbing at me, "No, no, no, You are going nowhere until you agree mister!" The pink haired one tapped me on the nose as if threatening me was going to change my mind. 

"Why?" I ask simply, folding my arms across my chest stubbornly. Believe me when I say I'd _love_ to take Yamato to a dance, but I don't think he'd appreciate the fear factor that's involved. I only want to look out for his best interests, and this doesn't sound important enough to risk them. 

Sora sighed and shook her head irritably, "Don't you get it? This is a perfect opportunity to help him and bring him closer to you. This way he'll get used to the crowd as well as giving his complete trust for you to keep." Mimi nodded along with her, looking hopeful at the other girl's explanation. 

"He'll freak." I said shortly, wondering why they weren't understanding the situation. They knew as well as any of the digidestined what he was like. "He wouldn't be able to stand the walls of people and the heat." 

"With you there he would." Mimi interrupted me, smiling sweetly, "You know you'd be able to keep him from becoming too afraid. In fact, it will encourage him for you to bring him with you." Okay, so she had a point there. With a sigh, I run my hand limply through my hair and look back over my shoulder at Yamato. He looked as though he was laughing over some joke that Ken was telling, then he glanced over to where I was standing and waved with a smile. Kami-sama, my knees felt weak just seeing him so happy. Maybe they're right, if I could help him out and make him even happier and more trusting it would do him so much good. And I love to see him like that. 

I grin and wave back before turning to face the two girls again, "Well... I guess I could at least talk to him about it." 

"Ooh, yay!" Mimi clapped her hands together, "You two are just so cute together, you know that?" My cheeks started to burn up as I just glared at her, which only seemed to make her more gleeful. 

Sora quickly turned my attention to her by shoving two slips of paper at me, "Good, we were hoping that we wouldn't have to waste these." I silently took them from her and found myself staring at two tickets to the end of the year school dance. Those little witches! They knew I'd give in! But then again, what was I complaining about? Assuming that Yamato would agree to this, which only had a slim chance of happening anyway, I just got two free tickets and hours of time to show off my boyfriend and our dancing skills to the rest of the school. 

With a reluctant grin I thanked them, "This is just too cool. I guess I'll ask him about it tonight then." They grinned and nodded eagerly before giving me a quick hug and leaving to go wreck havoc on other peoples' lives. Stuffing the tickets into my pocket, and hoping that Yamato hadn't seen them yet, I quickly go to rejoin my favorite guy in the whole world. Running up behind him, I settle my plate onto the ground before throwing my arms around his shoulders and kissing his cheek, "I'm ba~ak! Did you miss me?" 

"Should have I?" Yamato turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow, but I could see the spark of laughter in his eyes and the way his mouth was twitching with the urge to smile. 

Pretending to pout, I cross my arms and glare back at him, "Yes." Then I pull him onto my lap and give him a much more passionate kiss on the mouth, making his eyes widen in surprise and then narrow again with pleasure. Just as he started to really participate I pull back, leaving him gasping with air and glaring at me, "Would you miss me if I left right now?" I grin at the daggers he shoots at me through his eyes. Without answering my question, he just grabs my collar and pulls me back into his lips, kissing me hard enough to bruise. "Mmph!" 

"Man, some people have no shame at all." Yamato jerks back, his face reddening rapidly at Daisuke's teasing remark while the others laughed or smiled along. 

Takeru hugged his koi closer while nodding with a thoughtful expression, "Yeah. Is it just me or are those two becoming more and more risqué as they spend more time together? I think Taichi's having too much of an influence on my brother." 

"Heh, before we know it, they'll be fucking in front of the entire world." Daisuke started to laugh at his own joke before he saw the look that Yamato and I were sending him. It read 'death'. He suddenly seemed to wilt a little as everyone else bemusedly looked on, "Ah... I was just kidding, really. Stop looking at me like that!" 

"Watch your language Dais," Takeru gives him a thwap on the head, causing Daisuke to yelp in surprise, "...and don't ever speak of my brother like that!" He added as he gave another light smack to his boyfriend's head. 

I laugh at the poor boy's expression while shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. There's a small giggle from Yamato before he leans back against me with a sigh, "I'm glad we came here today Taichi." He whispers while the other two keep squabbling. I just hug him, understanding exactly what he means, and absently pick up a piece of chicken from my plate to chew on. It really was a good idea, I haven't seen Yamato so relaxed for quite a few days now and I feel so wonderful when he is. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know that the one you love is content just to be with you on a day such as this. 

~*~ 

**Matt's POV**

"Itai! Hey, Get off of me!" 

"Ow... I can't! Jyou's on my legs!" 

"Dammit Daisuke, get the hell off of my hand!" 

"Ack! Whoever you are! Get your hand out of my eye!" 

With a sigh I manage to disentangle myself from the pile of Digidestined and stand away from them as they try to organize themselves after the short trip through the computer. Taichi's near the bottom of the pile, curses streaming from his mouth a mile a minute, so I'll have a little while to wait before I can leave with him. God, I miss the Digiworld already. Back to reality I go, back to the contaminated Earth and all of its evil inhabitants. Maybe one day I'll just move to the Digiworld for good; Taichi with me of course. But for now I guess I'll just have to put up with this. 

Don't get me wrong, I like living where I do, especially since me and my dad get along so great. It's just that this is like the anniversary week of... well you know. And because of it I've just been feeling very depressed and out of it, it's a horrible feeling to have those memories just pop back in like this. Of course, Taichi's been doing his very best to keep me occupied and happy, but it's not working out that well. Going to the Digital World had been the best idea yet. For those few hours I was able to completely forget my worries and relax in the company of all the people that I trust. 

I hadn't even realized that the squabbling had ground to a halt, staring at the wall with a frown as I had been, until I felt a pair of arms loosely wrap themselves around my waist. "Ready to go Yama-chan?" Taichi's voice whispered into my ear as he rested his chin lightly on my shoulder. Not surprisingly, just the feeling of my love touching me managed to drain away all of the tension I had accumulated within the last five minutes. 

Suddenly feeling lighter, I turn around kiss a tanned cheek with a grateful smile, "Uh huh. My place or yours?" 

Taichi's grin lit up his entire face as he turned me to face the door, keeping one arm around my waist, "Yours I think. 'Kari will be heading back to our place and I'm pretty sure that my mom mentioned something about cleaning the apartment, so I'll have much better time putting that off by walking you home." I nod my head in agreement as we walk out of the school and towards the park leading to my building. There were no words spoken for some time, but I knew Taichi well enough to know that this silence wasn't going to last for too long. "Hey, Yama?" 

Inwardly I smirk at the accuracy of my prediction, "Hmm?" I languidly twirl some of his hair around my finger, making him smile contentedly. 

"Mimi and Sora mentioned something about this dance going on at our school, do you know anyone else who's going?" He sounds thoughtful and, feeling a sharp warning sign in the back of my mind, I quickly turn my head to scan his face for any clue to his intentions. It looks innocent enough, his eyes just staring peacefully out over the grass, so slowly I let down my guard again. I doubt he'd want to take me to that stupid thing anyway, besides he knows all too well about how I react to too many people. 

I shrug in response, "Yeah, the majority of the high school is going," I tell him, careful not to give him any indication that I actually care about it. 

"Oh, so it's a big thing then, huh?" I shrug again with a nod. Well duh, Taichi, it's a big thing. It is the last dance of the year after all, and it's supposed to be the best one yet as far as I've heard. "So you knew about it?" 

I laugh at this a little, remembering how unobservant my Taichi can be. He probably hadn't even noticed the excited chatter about it going on around him for the last three weeks. "Of course. There's _only_ been a million posters plastered to each wall of the _school_." My tone makes me wince, and I feel even worse when I see the hurt on Taichi's face as he pulls away a little. Feeling shameful about my attitude I mumble an apology while keeping my gaze trained on the path ahead of me. He draws me closer to him again in silent acceptance and we walk the rest of the way home in a comfortable quiet. 

When we finally walked through the door of my apartment I called out a half-hearted greeting and surprisingly got one in return. My father came out of his bedroom, looking as if he had just woken up, and smiled when he saw us, "Hi Matt, Tai, how are you boys?" 

"Pretty great, Ishida-san." Taichi replied while I shrugged and slipped off my shoes. "We had a good picnic with a bunch of friends." 

"Well that's good to hear. Yamato does need to get out more," I give him a dirty look at this but he ignores it and continues, "Anyway Matt, I picked up the ingredients you wanted for dinner tonight. Are you staying to eat, Tai?" 

Taichi answered in a regretful tone, "No, I can't, 'though it'll be a shame to miss out on Yama-chan's wonderful cooking. My folks are expecting me home pretty soon actually." I feel a flash of disappointment run through me as I notice how he hadn't even taken off his shoes. Oh well, at least Dad's home tonight to keep me with some company. "I just need to talk to Yama alone for a sec, if that's okay?" 

"Of course. I need to go freshen up anyway." My father replies as he stumbles off towards the bathroom. Those shifts are really getting to him. 

I turn back to Taichi, "So, what'd you want to talk to me about?" 

"I..." For some reason he hesitates, looking into my eyes for something. Then he sighs and shoves a hand into his pocket, "Here. I want you to think about this." He puts some paper into my hand, but doesn't let me look at them yet, keeping my eyes on his own. "But before I go, I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I _won't_ let you get hurt again. I'll be by your side to protect you no matter what. If you feel like there's no way in hell you can do this, then I understand, but really try to think hard about this first, okay?" Of course I have no clue to what he's talking about yet, but it sounds very romantic coming from my love. I nod and his serious face softens then and he leans over to give me a gentle kiss on the lips. Quickly, before he could pull back, I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer, feeling safe in his warmth. "Aishiteru, Angel, remember that. But I have to get moving before I'm grounded. Call me, okay?" 

I nod, and respond quietly as I let him go, "Aishiteru Taichi." He grins, gives me another kiss on the cheek, then walks out the door. 

For a moment I just stand there, watching his retreating back down the hallway, before I finally remember to close the door. Feeling tired suddenly, I head over to the couch and collapse onto it, staring at the ceiling in a daze. Then I recalled the paper that was still in my hand and held them up where I could see them. They are two thin slips... dance tickets. Oh shit. You'd think I'd have figured out that Taichi was leading up to this with all those questions on the dance, but I hadn't actually thought he'd want to take me! 

For a moment I was overjoyed. Imagine, going to a dance with my gorgeous koibito, having his arms wrapped around me, swaying to the beat in time with him. Kami-Sama, he's just the greatest, most wonderful... Then the other facts suddenly hit me in the head. A dance meant being trapped in a room packed with other people. A school dance meant that I would know a lot of those people and many of them probably still hate me. With hardly any air, bumping against strangers and friends alike all night, not to mention all the shadows that the dance lights form, I could go insane! Dammit, what the hell was Taichi thinking? He knew... he knew... 'Kuso, and he still wants me to go with him. 

'I'll be by your side to protect you no matter what.' Taichi would be there, and he wants to help me. But... I don't know if I can. I just don't know. I want to dance with Taichi so bad, and... Ugh, how could he do this to me? Fuming, and feeling ready to cry at the same time, I stomp to my room and grab the phone. Flopping down on my bed I dial Taichi's number. 

"Moshi moshi, Yagami residence." I recognize Taichi's voice the second he starts to speak. 

"What the hell are you thinking?! How could you?! You know... I can't... this is... Fuck! I can't even believe it!" I shout into the phone, not even sure why I'm feeling this pissed over something so small. 

There's a second of silence after I finish ranting in half formed sentences, then he speaks in a serious tone, "Yamato, it isn't that bad. I-" 

"Isn't that bad?!" I cut him off. Damn, I can't even think straight right now. "You just gave me the biggest dilemma I've ever had in my life, and you're calling that 'not bad'?" 

"Get a grip Yama. If you really don't want to go-" 

"But I do! I mean I can't! It's just... you _know_ I can't Taichi. There's just too many... I can't." Oh God, my head's in a frenzy now. I want to go... Oh I want to go so badly. 

"And you don't have to." He tone is neutral, but I know he's disappointed with me. He keeps going before I can speak again, "It was just an idea. I thought maybe we could have a good time at the dance, then after we can stay at one of our places to just chill, eat and crap. It's okay if you don't want to though, I told you I understand." 

I can't speak for a moment, and instead take a deep breath, trying hard to calm my racing heart. This is so stupid. It shouldn't even be a hard decision. I want to go with Taichi, I don't want to disappoint him like this. But it's so hard... "Taichi?" I ask hesitantly after a few minutes of silence, through which Taichi surprisingly remained quiet. 

He answers tonelessly, "Yes Yama-chan?" 

"I don't know if... but... you'd be with me, right? The entire time?" I sound so unsure of myself, which I really am. This is a big risk for me, but at the same time I think I need this. 

"Of course, Angel." His voice sounds a little hopeful, "I'd be right by your side every second. We'll have a good time dancing, just you and me." There's some more silence as I try to think over the pros and cons of going. But all I can really think about is being with my Taichi. He's all that really matters, and maybe he'll be enough to keep my mind off of everything else. "Angel? You still there?" 

An amused laugh escapes me as I hear the worry in his voice, "Yes Taichi, I'm still here." I quickly sober then and continue, "Taichi... I'd like... I'd like to go with you." 

There's the sound of an indrawn breath, then he asks as if not quite believing it, "Really? You'll let me take you to the dance?" He sounds so excited, making me suddenly feel sure of myself. I'm doing the right thing. 

"Yeah. I trust you Taichi." I smile as I hear some muffled yells of 'Yes! yes!' in the background, then laugh, "Baka! I can hear you!" 

"Oh, hehe, right." He sounds out of breath and in the background I can hear one of his parents telling him to stop jumping around. "So it's a date then? Friday night, I'll pick you up at eight?" 

Now I'm starting to feel excited about this, I guess it's catching. "Yeah, it's a date." My eyes roll automatically as I hear more racket over the phone. "Anyway, I should go make dinner now, so I'll see you tomorrow at school?" 

"Definitely! Aishiteru Yama-chan." He says gleefully. 

I smile while I answer quietly, "Aishiteru." Then I slowly hang up, my head stuck up in the clouds. It's a wonderful feeling when you make someone you love so happy. I'm glad I agreed, even if it will be hard to face the actual event. Sitting there peacefully, I just daydream about my koi and all the happy memories we've had together until I hear my father yelling for me to get dinner started before we all starve. 

*** 

It's the night of the dance. God, I'm so nervous that the butterflies in my stomach haven't stopped all day, which meant that school had been just plain torture for me. Taichi's picking me up in an hour and right now I'm having the hugest stress attack ever. Of course, it doesn't help when there's two girls, namely Miyako and Mimi, looking over ever single piece of my clothing, more than once, and just pretty much acting very... well, girlish. And then there's my brother along with his hyper active boyfriend, who feel the need to sit around, get in the way, and make smart remarks about everything. In other words, I'm having a nervous break down. I wonder how Taichi's getting along with Sora and 'Kari... I hope they're torturing him as much as I'm being tortured right now. 

"Now maybe these pants with this shirt, they do look good together," Mimi hummed from where she was holding up an outfit. 

Miyako shook her head, already working out another shirt from under the huge pile in the middle of the floor, "Uh uh, they really don't go well with his pale complexion... maybe something darker..." 

"Yeah, 'guess you're right." Mimi agreed while tossing the shirt and pants aside and digging something else out. 

Shaking my head from my huddled position on the bed, I just watch all this with growing unease. They don't even bother to ask my opinion! It's not like I'm a little boy anymore, I _know_ how to dress myself! "Girls..." I mutter quietly, making sure they don't overhear and start harassing me even further. Looking away, I spot Takeru with his head stuck in my closet, "TK, what do you think you're doing?" I ask, exasperated. Daisuke had already left for the kitchen, bored of all this nonsense, and I was just thinking of joining him and forgetting the whole thing. 

A muffled voice answered me while some more clothes flew by, "Looking for that shirt... you know the one..." 

"Uh... right." I fight the urge to roll my eyes, failing dramatically, and return to my previous position. Like _he_ could find something that would satisfy those crazy females. Since when did he know anything about fashion anyway? 

Suddenly there was a yell of triumph and the blonde head came tumbling out of the closet, "I found it! I found it! I can't believe you still have this! Look Mimi, Miya, this is perfect." 

Groaning, I make myself look over at what he is holding up. It's a shirt, one that used to be one of my favorites after the Digital World. It's one of those relaxed button up shirts, deep ocean blue in color. The sleeves had always been a bit long for me, but it was comfortable and all in all pretty good looking. 'Please let this be the one' I prayed silently to myself. The girls then gave screams of delight and raced over to grab the shirt. 

"Oh my! This _is_ nice! Look at the color, it matches his eyes perfectly!" Mimi nodded in approval as Miyako finished inspecting it. I sigh in relief as she brings it over to me. "Try this on!" 

Glad to oblige, I slip into it after stripping off the pullover I had had on, and buttoned it up easily. Wow, it fits me better than it ever had before, guess I grew into it. Takeru spoke up from where he was watching after being pushed out of the way by the girls, "Yeah, I had just thought of it, but I wasn't sure what you had done with it after the last time you wore it. I remember that Tai always got this funny look when you had it on, 'though I don't think he realized why." I feel a small blush creep across my cheeks. If Taichi liked this shirt, then this was the one I was going to wear. I was then smacked in the face with a tight pair of black pants and told to put those on as well. 

"Hey, are guys done... Whoa!" Daisuke halted in the doorway, gaping at me as I stood there clad in my dance outfit. "M-Matt? God, you look... hot! Tai's one hell of a lucky guy!" 

I stared back incredulously, my face turning even redder than before. Taichi's always telling me that I'm beautiful or cute or hot and so on, but to actually hear someone else say it... well, let's just say it's quite a boost in the self-esteem area. Then I noticed that the younger boy was still staring in shock and the look on my brother's face was growing darker by the second, "Uh... thanks Daisuke. So you think Taichi will like it?" I asked, just to break the uncomfortable silence that had descended... well, besides the giggling girls that is. 

"Hell yeah!" He grinned, not seeming to notice his boyfriend's warning looks, "You'll have _everybody_ wanting to dance with _you_!" 

Laughing a little at his enthusiasm, I smile back gratefully. Actually I don't care if everybody wants to dance with me anyway; the only one I care about is my Taichi-koi. 

"Daisuke! You... You're just... just... oh forget it!" Takeru suddenly snapped, throwing his hands up in the air and storming out the door. Uh oh, he's pissed. Guess it's kinda hard seeing your boyfriend looking at your own brother that way. 

Daisuke stares confusedly at the spot Takeru had just vacated before chasing him out of the room. I could hear him yelling, "What? What did I do? Tell me! Ta~ake-chan!" With a self satisfied grin, I smooth down my shirt and leave for the bathroom to start on my hair. The girls just stay behind chatting, Mimi already dressed for the dance. 

*** 

For a long time I just sat on the stool in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection. I had finished gelling and combing my hair out a few minutes ago, and now all I could do was sit here unmoving. There's a scar there, on the side of my forehead just below the hairline, that had caught my attention. Funny, I had never noticed it before, seeing as it was quite visible to me now. Hesitantly I reach up and touch it lightly, never taking my gaze off of the reflection, then run my thumb along it. Just another reminder, that's what it is. An ugly imperfection to remind me of that fateful night, standing out clearly from my skin. I wonder... has Taichi ever noticed it before? 

With a grimace, I quickly pick up the comb and brush some hair over the scar, hiding it from everyone, including myself. Sighing, I turn my back to the mirror. I shouldn't care, Taichi doesn't so I shouldn't either. He says I'm beautiful, that I'm an angel. I trust him and love him so much that it hurts. It's very doubtful he'd turn away from me because of one little scar, especially after everything we've been through. I try so hard to quiet the doubts that are in my mind, the ones telling me that maybe it will be tonight that he will suddenly realize that he doesn't really love me, that I really am ugly and all along he had just been blind to it... that maybe he'll finally see the larger, uglier scar inside of me and turn away, disgusted. What if he doesn't want someone that has been so carelessly used like I have been. What if he sees a girl at the dance and suddenly realizes that she's so much more beautiful than I ever could be, and that maybe he's not in love with me after all. What if... What if... 

"'Kuso!" I mutter, disgusted with myself. This is stupid! I shouldn't be having these doubts, not like this. Taking a breath, I force myself to turn back around and face my reflection. I stare at it hard, noting all that things that Taichi has complemented on over the past - my eyes, hair, pale skin... smile... Quickly I smile at the mirror and feel much better. "He loves me. Taichi loves _me_" I tell myself, knowing how ridiculous I must sound, but I needed to hear it out of my own mouth. He won't let me down, I _know_ he won't. Tonight will be fun and that's all there is to it. No more doubts, I can't have them while trusting my koi, it just doesn't work. 

Suddenly there is a muffled knock at the door, but before I could react there was the thumping of feet and the sound of delighted yells as the others all raced to the door. I can hear Mimi's shrill voice exclaiming over how good of a job Sora did, and Taichi's own voice trying to calm her down and to find out where I am. Well, this is it. There's no way to back out of it now, I just hope Taichi will like what he sees. Taking a deep, calming breath I stand up and open the bathroom door, stepping out into the hall just in time to see an exasperated brunette teen coming towards me. 

"Hi Taichi." I greet him, amazed at how good he looks. Well, he _ always_ looks good, but now it's beyond that! He's wearing a smoky grey dress shirt, its sleeves ending just above his elbows and the last few buttons at the collar were left undone, letting some of his smooth tanned skin show. The shirt was worn untucked over a pair of loose black khakis, and all in all he looked pretty darn sexy! 

At the same time, Taichi saw me and stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widened. He didn't say anything at first, just stood there staring with his mouth half open. I watched him back a little uncomfortably, hoping that this was a good sign. Then just as I was wondering what to say, Taichi spoke in a choked voice, "Yama-chan?" He slowly starts to walk towards me, looking somewhat dazed as I nervously stayed where I was. Once he was standing right in front of me, he hesitantly reached out a hand and cupped my cheek, "You're just so... so... breath-taking. My Angel..." Captivated by his intensely darkened eyes, I let myself be pulled against him, his lips pressing eagerly against my own. Briefly closing my eyes, I feel a million emotions overcome me, causing me to moan slightly with happiness. This was a dream... a dream come true. His breath was hot against my skin as he pulled back a little, his thumb stroking my cheek lightly. We didn't, couldn't, say anything ensnared as we were in each other's gazes. Every single little doubt had fled my mind and now I was in complete bliss. Nothing could make me afraid while I was wrapped up in his arms like this. 

This precious moment was broken, not surprisingly, by a flash of light and a chorus of aww's. Blinking out of our trance, we both blushed as we turned to face the others. Kari was waving her camera around, giggling, while the other girls... Sora, Mimi, and Miyako... just stood there starry eyed. Taichi rolled his eyes, beating me to it, and grumbled, "I just haven't been able to get away from these girls all day! This is becoming very annoying." 

I just smile at him, hugging him closer to me, and walk towards the foyer. The herd of girls followed closely behind. We silently put on our coats and shoes, letting the females do all the talking. When we were ready, I finally called out, "Takeru!" There was no way he was staying here all night. 

The blonde boy calmly walked out of the front room with a sulking Daisuke behind him. "Oh, hi Tai. 'You guys going now?" 

I nodded, "Yeah, you should get going now too before mom becomes worried." 

"What's the matter Daisuke?" Taichi suddenly spoke up as Daisuke moodily tugged on his own shoes to follow Takeru. 

He looked up and shrugged, "Take-chan's not speaking to me. And it's all your _boyfriend's_ fault!" 

"It is _not_ Matt's fault!" Takeru sighed, crossing his arms and glaring at his second half, "It's yours for drooling over Matt like you were!" 

"He what?!" Taichi suddenly looked a little outraged. 

"I was not _drooling_ over him!" Daisuke interrupted defensively, "I was just complementing him." Suddenly he brightened up, "So anyway, now that you're talking to me again, do you want to ask your mom if I could stay at your place for the night?" 

I just laugh a little at the disbelieving look on Takeru's face before turning back to Taichi, shaking my head, "Just ignore them. 'You ready to go?" 

Blinking with some confusion, Taichi looks at me then grins, "Yeah!" He wraps an arm around me and turns to face the group, "Okay then, you younger ones better be out of this apartment before we come back. Sora, Mimi, let's go." 

"And don't forget to lock the door before you leave, TK." I reminded him before letting my koi lead me out of the door. The two older girls fell in step beside us as we headed for the stairs. Well... here I go, I guess. This night will either help bring back my faith in humanity or scare me off for the rest of my life. Kami... I so hope for the former. 

~*~   
**Tai's POV**

The dance was in full swing by the time we arrived. As we stepped through the doors of the gymnasium the pounding of music and voices just about knocked us back out again. It was great! I was so excited to be here, especially with my boyfriend who at the moment seemed to be trying to melt right into my side. Quickly I tightened my arm around him and whispered, needing to bring my mouth right to his ear so that he could hear me over the noise, "Are you okay, Angel?" He nodded slightly, but didn't speak and I could see how most of the color had drained from his face. His body shook slightly as he gazed wide eyed at the mass of students surrounding us. Suddenly I realized he was mumbling something under his breath, so I leaned in close to his mouth, trying to make it out. All I got out of it was, 'fuck, fuck, fuck,' repeated over and over. He seemed to be having a hard time breathing, especially as the crowd closed in around us, and I was really starting to worry. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Looking around I finally spotted a quieter corner and pulled Yama towards it, needing to get him to a spot where he would be able to calm down a bit first. 

We stood in the corner for a time, waiting for Yamato's breathing to come back to a normal pace. Bright, colorful lights flashed around us, causing shadows to spring up and making it hard to distinguish faces in the crowd. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, most of them dancing on the floor while the rest sat at the refreshment tables and chatted among themselves. After watching the activity for awhile, I finally turned back to my date. As I looked at his face carefully I was relieved to see that it was looking slightly more relaxed, and his eyes had returned almost to normal size again. "Do you feel better now?" I ask him anxiously, hoping we wouldn't have to leave quite yet. I just have to get him over this shock of so many people in one little space. 

Yamato nervously straightened the collar of his shirt, still staring out into the crowd. It seemed as though he was in shock over it or something. Finally he managed a shaky, "Yeah... I-I think so." 

I squeeze his waist comfortingly, "Do you want to just go to the refreshments for awhile? Maybe we'll find some of our friends there." My suggestion just seemed to make him even more nervous as he eyed the mass of bodies standing between us and the tables. 

"I...I don't think..." He sighed and lowered his eyes to the floor, whispering, "I can't do it. I... I can't go through th-them again." I felt ready to cry when I saw the defeated look on his face. "I'm... sorry." 

For a moment I didn't say anything, just tried to rapidly think of a way to save this night and Yamato's feelings. There had to be something... something to get his mind away from what he feared so much. But what? Then I had an idea... there _was_ something that could wipe away most of those fears, that could make him feel less afraid, more secure. I grin at the thought. "Hey Yama-chan?" He looks at me finally, his eyes showing pain and sadness. Kami, I hope this works. "Do you trust me?" I hold my breath even though I know what his answer will be. 

Looking surprised for a second, he nods, "Of course, Taichi." Some of the pain lessens. 

I smile at him, "Then will you come and dance with me?" 

"What?!" His blue eyes widen again in shock before they flicker over to the dance floor, "But... but there's..." 

I quickly put a finger to his lips and shake my head, "Don't worry about them. They're just a bunch of kids having fun. Just keep your eyes on me, think about only how you and I are together, dancing, having our own good time. Do you think you can do that? For me?" The doubt still remains on his face, but at least it looks like a thoughtful doubt. 

Finally Yamato sighs again and nods a little, "O-okay. I'll try..." I grin encouragingly at him, taking his hand tightly into my own as I start to lead him through the mobs of people. Not once do I break eye contact with him, letting him see my faith in him and keeping him from thinking about anything else. It seems to work, much to my relief, as he keeps his eyes trained on mine. Once I've judged that we've moved out far enough, I bring him in a little closer to me. 

We're surrounded on all sides by other couples, but fortunately Yama doesn't seem to notice as we keep our eye contact up. I smile again and feel happiness well up inside of me as he rewards me with a small, hesitant smile back. "You, my Angel, are the most beautiful being that I have ever laid eyes on." Yamato's cheeks redden as his smile widens and he carefully lays his hands on my shoulders. Another slow song starts and with a dizzying feeling of love I place my hands on his slender waist. So far nobody has even payed much attention to this, most of them already knowing about our relationship, and Yamato finally starts to relax. I could actually feel the tension drain from his body. Couples around us start swaying to the music and I draw my love's body closer to join in. 

It was perfect, everything was at this moment. The music flowed around us, locking us in our own small world where we were all that mattered. Yamato's hair softly glowed in golden radiance as his majestic azure eyes held my own. I cared for nothing except the moment and the angel in my arms, moving his graceful body with mine. His face was lit up with complete wonder as his arms slid over my shoulders until he was hugging me around the neck, his nose only inches from my own. His warm breath played along my lips and suddenly I found myself wanting my Yama more than ever before, my heart aching with desire. His expression showed that he felt exactly the same way. 

The song ended all too soon and as the last note rung softly through the air I pulled Yamato foreword the last few inches and kissed his lips gently. He smiled, blushing. "Thanks," was all he whispered, his eyes putting so much feeling into that single word. 

"No problem, Angel." I smiled back, brushing a bit of blonde from his forehead. Then the next song came on and we started the beautiful process all over again. It was a perfect night. 

*** 

"G'night Tai! 'Night Matt! See you guys tomorrow!" Mimi yelled from the doors of the school gym as she waited with Sora for their dates to finish up with whatever they were doing. 

"'Night girls!" I waved back, grinning from ear to ear as I hugged my koi close to my side. We turned then and headed across the parking lot to where the car I had borrowed from my dad was parked. God, what a night that was! I hadn't had such a good time in so long. And what was more, Yama seemed to have had just a good a time as I. 

Yamato walked beside me, quietly smiling while leaning his head on my shoulder, his eyes half closed with fatigue. The air was pretty warm and even I felt drowsy. When we reached the car, Yamato silently detached himself from my arm and slid into the passenger side while I went around to the driver's seat. As we drove home I watched the other from the corner of my eye, noticing how deep in thought he looked. I decided it best not to break his concentration. The ride was short, the destination being Yamato's apartment as we had known ahead of time that his dad would be out very late at work again. I already had my overnight stuff in the car. 

It wasn't until he had unlocked the door and we stepped inside the apartment that he spoke, "Are you hungry Taichi? Or thirsty?" 

I quickly slipped off my shoes and followed him into the kitchen, "I'll just have a Pepsi, thanks." I told him after we had examined the 'fridge. He poured some water for himself and we left for the front room, relaxing onto the couch. I watched as Yamato took a sip from his glass before setting it on the table and leaning back with a small sigh. Then I asked, a bit anxiously, "Did you have a good time, Yama-chan?" 

His eyes closed for a moment, a small smile playing on his lips, "Yeah, the best." He just looked so fine, completely relaxed and happy. His cheeks were still slightly flushed from the previous excitement, golden hair disarrayed from the wild dancing. In fact, he looked happier and more lively than I've seen him in quite awhile. 

"I'm glad," I told him, grinning. Then I leaned over and kissed him... he's just too beautiful. Instantly Yama wrapped an arm around my shoulders, trying to keep me in place as I happily slipped my tongue into his mouth, enjoying his now familiar taste. It wasn't until minutes later that the kiss ended when I finally pulled away a couple of inches to gain back some breath. As I stared blissfully into his endless blue eyes I noticed how glazed over they are, filled with pure pleasure. Dipping in again, feeling the sudden urge to hear my love moan with that pleasure, I trapped his bottom lip in my mouth, sucking it slowly. I heard the purr-like sound rise from his throat as he gasped, "Oh Kami-sama... Taichi... I-I..." 

"Ye~es...?" I grinned, pulling back once again while caressing his pale cheek with one hand. He's got the softest skin ever, so smooth to the touch. 

The next thing that came out of his mouth shocked me to the core, snapping me back to full awareness... "I think... I think I'm ready now. Please Taichi...?" 

~*~ 

**Matt's POV**

"I think... I think I'm ready now. Please Taichi...?" I don't think I even realized what had just come out of my mouth at that instant. All I felt was a burst of desire and the need to be as close as possible with my Taichi. It had just been the most wonderful night of my life and now I wanted it to end perfectly as well. The dance had been more splendid than I had ever dreamed it to be. All I had had to do was focus on Taichi and all the fears just slipped away. There was no more doubt in my mind... Taichi loved me and I trusted him with every bit of my heart. What better way to show this trust? 

A serious look came into his eyes as he stared hard into mine and for a moment I got a horrible feeling that maybe this wasn't what he wanted at all. "Yamato... I... Are you sure?" I nod slowly, trying to gauge the emotions in his face. Was I wrong? No... I couldn't be, not after all that he's done for me. "I just... I don't want to hurt you Yama-chan. You can't tell me that your fear has suddenly vanished in one night." 

I smiled then, suddenly understanding his hesitation. He doesn't get it, not yet. I need him... I need this. "Of course I'm still afraid Taichi, but that's why I want it now. You can help break that fear because... I'm not afraid of _you_." Please Taichi, I need you so bad, only you can help me. 

There's a spark of hope and want in his eyes as he stares at me thoughtfully for a few moments. I know he's been wanting this for a long time now, but I've always been to afraid of any type of sexual contact and he's been afraid of hurting me. I'm still scared, and I know this won't be easy, but I trust Taichi more than I trust anybody. Then he leans towards me again, pressing his lips gently against my own before pulling back and standing up. "Taichi...?" Where's he going? Why? I thought... 

Suddenly he grins and picks me up despite my indignant yelp of surprise. Cradling me in his arms, he starts towards the bedroom, whispering in my ear, "We can't do it on the couch where your dad will see us, can we? The bed sounds much more comfortable anyhow." I feel the blush across my cheeks as he gently sets me down on my bed, then become distracted from the embarrassment when he continues the kiss. Our lips passionately press together, tongues entwining, letting me fall into the taste of my Taichi. I feel so safe when he's with me like this and I'm so happy that everything has turned out the way it has. I don't know what I would be doing right now if Taichi hadn't come back to me, most likely I wouldn't even be alive, but with him I know that everything will turn out all right. 

Slowly Taichi eases himself onto the bed with me, his body covering mine in a warmth that I've come to rely on from him. As I run a hand through his thick hair, letting the soft strands slide through my fingers, my koi starts to move his lips downwards. A soft gasp escapes me when he pauses to suck gently at my lower lip, then he sends soft butterfly kisses down my chin to my neck. The emotions run through me so rapidly that I feel as if they are about to explode right out of my skin. I close my eyes against them while feeling Taichi's tongue dart out to lick the skin at the base of my neck. He moves again, now sucking pleasurably where my shoulder meets neck, causing me moan and hug him tighter. "Taichi... Please... I love you..." Eager fingers start to fumble with the buttons of my shirt, his mouth coming back up to reunite with mine, and with a feeling of dazed wonderment I start to mimic him, searching for the buttons of his own shirt. When we finally break away a bit both of us are breathing heavier, feeling the anticipation of what was to come. Fortunately my mind was too distracted by the sparkling, chocolate eyes in front of my face to comprehend what I was about to get into. 

"Oh Yama..." My lover breathed as we finally were rid of the discouraging shirts. His hand ran lightly over my bare stomach, causing me to shiver slightly, "So beautiful." The sight of his own tanned chest turned me on even more. Muscles rippled all over his upper body, his stomach moving a bit as he breathed. Hesitantly I reach out and lay a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat rhythmically against it. He smiles at me, leaning down once again to claim my lips. This time I was the first to push my tongue against his, feeling the heat building up between us. It was as if the entire world had just blown away, leaving us to ourselves alone. It became harder to breathe, and Taichi's own breaths came quicker. Soon I felt something sliding down to my waist and realized a second later that it was his hand. He kept it there, just above the band of my jeans as if asking permission to go further. After another fiery moment I finally figured out that that was exactly what he was doing when he lifted his head up again to look at me questioningly, my mind still in a sort of fog. Trying not to let the sudden twinge of worry distract me, I encourage him by smiling nervously, mimicking him once again by putting my own hands to his waist. 

Satisfied, Taichi dipped down and slipped one of my nipples into his mouth, alternately jabbing at it with his tongue and sucking, causing me to lose myself once again in a fiery wave of pleasure. I distantly felt myself harden completely, not even aware that I was desperately trying to slip Taichi's own pants off while he repeatedly attacked my chest with his oh so wonderful tongue. How the heck he was so good at this was beyond me, but I sure wasn't about to start complaining. 

It wasn't until I felt his hand slipping beneath my boxers that the shock came full blast. A force of memories swooped into my head... the nightmarish images of hands forcing my clothes off, pushing me to the ground... hurting me. Oh God... the pain! With a cry I try to push them away, to get away from the hurt and their dirty intentions. Dark wings beating at my mind, hurting me, scaring me. I can't stand it... go away... go away and leave me alone! "Yamato!" Taichi calls out my name suddenly, causing my vision to clear as I lay gasping and staring at the ceiling. 

There's minutes of silence where neither of us are willing to speak. Faded images still haunt me while I keep my gaze away from the one I was supposed to be trusting. Taichi's still sitting on my legs where I had pushed him and I feel the frustrated tears start leaking out of the corner of my eyes. Why? I had been so sure that with him I wouldn't have to remember. It was so unfair! Especially for Taichi. I probably just ruined everything... 

"Yama-chan... don't cry... I'm sorry." I feel his hand gently wipe my cheeks, his soft, guilty tone just making me want to cry harder. 

Instead I choke out a small laugh, "Why... why are _you_ sorry? I was the one... I'm so stupid!" 

"No your not! Don't say that Angel." He leans down to kiss my cheek lightly, "I understand." 

I shake my head, "No you don't! It's just... just..." He can't understand. I still need to do this. If I stop now then everything will be gone, just like that. Would Taichi even feel comfortable around me after this? I sure won't. Taking his head in my hands, I pull his face down into a forceful kiss, trying to show him that I wasn't afraid... not of him anyway. When we part, he looks slightly dazed but is still frowning a bit. "I need you Taichi... I need you to help me. I want to do this with you, but it's hard. Please don't leave?" Please, please, _please_ don't leave me Taichi. I think that's what I'm afraid of most... more than anything that those guys did to me. I couldn't stand it if Taichi left me now. 

For a second he looks like he's about to object, to pull away and tell me that we can't do this now, but then he sighs and his expression softens. "I don't want to hurt you, Angel." 

"I know," I give him a weak smile, running my hands lazily up and down his bare back, "But you told me it would only hurt at first and I trust you." 

Finally his frown disappears and a small grin breaks out on his face, "You really want me like this? You're sure, Yama-chan?" I nod, trying to look more secure about this than I really am. What if it does hurt for a long time? The thought disappears to the back of my mind as I feel my koi's gentle lips gracing own once again. "Then I need you to do something for me again, okay?" He whispers as he parts a little, worry still evident in his gaze. I nod again and he continues in a soft tone, "I want you to only think about me, not about anything or anybody from the past, just me. I'm the one with you, not those bastards. Keep your mind on what's happening instead of what happened." 

"I'll try." Is all I say, hoping to everything almighty that I would be able to keep focussed enough not to slip into those godforsaken memories. Then we're locked in another passionate kiss, shoving everything bad from my mind in light of the moment. There's only us... only Taichi, me and our love. His body pressed against mine, the feeling of skin contact sending shocking tingles through me. This time he didn't make any moves except for working my mouth with his own; sucking on my lip and wrestling tongues with me. 

My head felt light, images of Taichi swirling together in a blur, and before long I was mumbling for more. I wanted more from my koi, my hands tangling in his long hair as I tried to encourage him to continue from where he had left off previously. "You're sure?" He softly asked again, waiting for my impatient nod before sending his lips down my neck as he had done before. Gentle hands crept down my sides, causing me to gasp a little at the ticklish sensation, then rested on my hips. 

"T-Taichi... I'm o-okay." I encouraged him breathlessly when he had only continued to play his tongue over my chest, his hands still unmoving. At the sound of my voice I felt Taichi relax a little, both of us starting to pant as we moved our hands restlessly over each other's bodies. So lost in the moment I was that I didn't notice the way my pants were slowly being slipped away until the coldness hit my heat in a chilly wave. Gasping, my eyes widened as a bit of darkness hovered near my mind, threatening to hurt me once again. This time it was something else though, a new type of fear that I hadn't thought of before. "Taichi...?" Something in my voice must have startled him because a second later I was staring into a pair of very concerned eyes. Breathing hard, and shaking with anticipation, I asked him, "You... you won't l-leave me... a-after this... will you?" 

"No... my Angel." Taichi smiled at me in a way that made my heart leap and a feeling of security fall over me like a comfort blanket, "I love you... too much... 'promise. I'll never leave you, not ever." From the very deepest corners of my soul and heart I knew this to be true. Taichi wasn't like the others, he wouldn't just use me then lose me, never. And finally the last of the darkness fled for good, leaving me in peace. 

Elated, I leaned up to give my love a kiss, pushing all of my emotions into that one movement. From there everything built up into a tower of passion and love. We both kicked off the last of our clothing, clinging to each other in mounting lust. I was gently laid onto my back again, my eyes feeling heavy in the heat circulating between us. Both of us emitted moans as we came in contact, erections throbbing almost painfully. With a look of want in his face, Taichi gazed down at me pleadingly, "Ya-Yama?" Breathing heavily, I pull him down into a wet kiss while nodding my consent. I was still a little nervous about the actual event, but I trusted him too much to let that fear be felt. "We need... need lubrication... don't wanna... hurt you." 

Lubrication? I'd completely forgot about that, seeing as the only other time this had happened they hadn't used anything that would ease my pain purposely. Wriggling over to the edge of the bed, I open the nightstand's drawer, hoping that there'd be something in there. My concentration was lost for a moment as Taichi started to suck gently at my earlobe, his wet tongue feeling good against my hot skin. Then two minutes later I had what I needed in my hand and shakily pushed it into his hands, feeling ready to burst any moment from need. He nodded approvingly before leaning down to capture my lips with his, drowning my impatience with his fiery lips. My body was on fire, the odor of sex filling the room and I fell into a sort of dazed bliss as I hungrily joined in, my biggest dream coming true. Nothing registered in my mind at that moment as I tried to get the most out of my Taichi, loving his taste and familiarity. 

Suddenly an odd sensation shot through me and I gasped, pulling my head away confusedly. What was going on now? With an unintentional whimper I cling onto my koi harder, trying to make sense of the situation. "It's okay, Angel." Taichi whispered, kissing my cheek softly, "I'm just... just stretching you... 'Won't hurt as much." The information calmed me a bit, but the intruding feeling wouldn't go away. I hate the helplessness I'm suddenly feeling, the thought that this is it and there's no stopping it. Taichi has complete control over me now. With his other hand Taichi turned my head, his thumb running across my cheek, "If you want me... to stop... just say so..." He would stop too, no questions, and I knew it. Maybe I'm not in such a helpless situation after all. I smile a little and shake my head. It wasn't so bad really, it didn't hurt so far, just felt strange. Another kiss and I forgot almost all about it, ignoring the way the feeling grew as more fingers entered me one at a time. "Just relax Yama... relax..." I tried, but it was hard to. I didn't like the intrusion. That is I didn't until he started moving his fingers and a sudden intense fire shot through me, causing me to cry out with pleasure. More, oh Kami, I wanted to feel that again! 

"Taichi!" I gasped, pulling him closer to me in a fit of passion. Then his hand wrapped gently around my erection, causing a whole new stream of lustful emotions to flow through me. I felt his breath against my skin as he kissed my neck before he retracted his fingers. The loss of them suddenly made me want to cry; I hadn't realized how much I enjoyed having Taichi inside of me. He softly quieted my whimpering with promises of more to come. 

Slowly Taichi let go of me and took hold of my legs, bringing them up over his shoulders. When no more movement occurred, I cracked open my eyes; I don't even remember closing them. He was staring down at me, eyes darkened almost black with lust and love. Finally he asked, his voice low and husky, "This... this might hurt. Are you... sure about this?" Entranced by the beauty in front of me, I just dumbly nod. I'd take the pain, for my Taichi I would. If I made it this far, a little hurt won't stop me. "If you ever... just tell me... tell me to stop." I nod again as his lips descend upon mine, distracting me for a moment from everything else. 

Then there _was_ pain, real pain this time. Fighting back a scream at knives cutting through me, I just sob in terrified breaths, closing my eyes as I fight back tears. It hurt, the pain was filling me and I wanted nothing more than to just make it go away. Too much... "Y-Yama?" His shaky voice caused me to open my eyes again, tears leaking down my cheeks. Darkness once again threatening to overtake my mind. Then realization dawned on me. Taichi was staying as still as he could, holding back as he waited for me to make some sort of okay sign. There was worry in his face again, "Do... do y-you want... me t-to..." It was hard for him to not move, I could see that very well. Sweat beading on his forehead and his hands gripping my shoulders 'till they felt bruised. He was doing this for me... If I told him to get up and leave right this instant, he would. No, I did want this, I _wanted_ him inside of me, to feel apart of him and his wonderful life. To bind us together in a way nothing else could. The pain then felt lessened and I could tell now that it didn't even come close to what I had felt when I had been raped. Besides, this was so different; from the way he held me to the way he was so carefully keeping himself from hurting me. 

Feeling gratefully eased I relaxed, shifting my hold so that my hands were pushing at him to continue. Taichi finally let out a desperate moan and slid the rest of the way into me, lessening my pain with a well placed kiss. It still hurt but now I could feel the pleasure of it as well. Passion and lust overtook us then as he pulled out part way and back in again. Our moans and gasps intermingled, sweaty bodies moving in harmonious rhythm. This... Oh Kami-sama... this was so _good_! So much better than I had thought it would be. It didn't hurt at all now; Taichi hitting that once perfect spot over and over again, my body filled with painful desire. 

The intense feeling grew, my muscles tensing more and more and I could feel Taichi shivering with excitement as he randomly placed wet kisses all over my face, neck and chest while moaning my name out loud between each one. I felt ready to burst, my heat throbbing painfully, and the last straw came when Taichi's wandering hand closed over it. Two pumps and I came, my head bursting in a whirl of colors and lights. Clutching at Taichi I cried out his name, revering the sound, and distantly I could hear his own cries. I could feel his seed filling me, a part of him to stay with me forever. It was the most intense moment I had ever felt, nothing in this world could compare. For that one instant our hearts beat together, our minds merged into one mind. 

After scant minutes, 'though it seemed eternity, we collapsed utterly spent. Taichi lay panting on top of me for a few minutes before drawing out and rolling over. Chest heaving from the effort, I don't even try to move, my mind yet unable to grasp that it was over. My Taichi, the one I had been crushing over ever since I had gotten to know him, loves me back like no other could. 

It wasn't until a chill started to seep over me that I turned to look over at my koi, finding his own soft eyes already upon me. When he noticed my gaze he smiled in the way I loved, reaching over to brush his hand along my cheek. A wave of fatigue swept over me, my eyelids feeling heavy with want of sleep. I waited a moment as Taichi reached away to pull the blankets over us before snuggling up to him. A soft sigh came from both of us as he wrapped his warm arms around me, drawing my body closer to him. Laying my head on his chest, I close my eyes and listen contentedly to his soothing heart beat. He relaxes beneath me, kissing the top of my head before laying back on the pillow, his hands running over my back and through my hair lazily. This and his warmth soon lulled me to into sleep, feeling utterly content for the first time in months and completely fulfilled. That hole inside, the one that had for so long haunted me, was gone. Whatever the others had taken away from me had just now been replaced with something that I could never lose. I would never be alone again, not as long as I had my Taichi with me, protecting and loving me. 

"I love you, my darling Angel." 

THE END 

(A/N) Sorry, I had to cut it off there! It would just get too long and repetitive if I kept it going. Wow, I hope that last bit was okay seeing as it was the first lemon I've ever done, and I really didn't get into too much description which was probably a good thing but this was mostly supposed to be about Yamato getting through his fears I suppose. Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed the entire fic, and thank you so much for all those great reviews. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and hopefully I'll start writing something else soon... 'though that might take a little while with the absence of ideas running through my head!  



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